


Shooting Star

by orphan_account



Category: GOT7, JJ Project
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-22
Updated: 2017-03-08
Packaged: 2018-08-10 07:15:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 65,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7835251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are people who make Jaebum breathless. And then there is Jinyoung who makes breathing worth it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Spring

**Author's Note:**

> 170309 Hi! If this is the first time you clicked this fic open, I’d like to say thank you for doing so despite of the number of words, and just so you know, there isn’t even much smut RIP but still, I hope you enjoy reading. ^^ Also, I edited the first three chapters a little (SO little you won’t even notice), so if you weren’t a first-time reader, I just want to let you know that yes, I edited the first three parts A LITTLE, and no, you don’t have to reread because I did not change anything plot-wise.
> 
> -
> 
> I'm crying my eyes out as I type this note because this fic is ugly and I should just delete this along with my other fics but I also wanna share this and I just-- :( This fic is as messy as my life please run away now while you still can.
> 
> Anyways! Mature rating because of some things but no explicit smut!
> 
> So, that's all! But before I leave this long ass fic here with a very uncreative title, let me thank my love Tasha for her unfaltering believe in me and in this fic~ :')
> 
> I hope y'all enjoy~ All mistakes are mine!

**DISCLAIMER:** Shooting Star (formerly titled as Pretty Little Star /cue in disgusting puking sounds/) is a work of fiction, and if you so happen to find any medical technicality that I got wrong, please bear in mind that I’m not a pro in the field, but I did my best to research about necessary things and convey HCM as real as I could.

 

-

 

Thursdays are reserved for Jinyoung.

 

Meeting Jinyoung once a week is a combination of not enough and too much all at once. Jaebum wants to see those dark, captivating eyes all week long, but he can’t because his mind short-circuits every time Jinyoung is staring straight into his eyes, his orbs piercing right through his soul, analyzing and reading him in ways Jaebum finds breathtaking. He wants to keep Jinyoung by his side 24/7, but he feels too warm that sometimes Jaebum gets a little afraid that he might just burn to ashes one day in the younger’s hold.

 

Having Jinyoung is like having the extremes of the spectrum—no in-betweens for Jaebum to rest, to keep up, to breathe in.

 

“Jaebum-ah, are you sure I’m not interrupting you from doing your project?”

 

Jaebum’s eyes dart from his laptop screen where a movie is playing towards Jinyoung who is seated on his left, and he sees how there’s a furrow of concern adorning Jinyoung’s forehead. Jinyoung always, _always_ , looks so cute, so adorable, and Jaebum is past the phase where he stops himself from pinching the younger’s nose every time he looks at him curiously and worryingly and very, very adorably, so he lightly pinches Jinyoung’s nose. Jinyoung scrunches up his face, and Jaebum grins at him.

 

No, it’s not that Jaebum is in love with Jinyoung that he makes extra effort and takes extra time to go and see Jinyoung when he is fairly three hours away from the younger. No, not like that. Jaebum just wants to have Jinyoung around because he’s fun to be with. Jinyoung is just as quiet as Jaebum’s best friend Myungsoo, but it’s okay, Jaebum loves the serenity. Jaebum loves how Jinyoung could make him smile by simply pouting, or sometimes by doing the puppy eyes when Jinyoung wants to watch X-Men _again_. Jaebum loves the hand holdings and the embraces, and Jaebum loves the small kisses Jinyoung gives his cheeks and forehead, but that’s it.

 

Jaebum doesn’t like Jinyoung _like that_. Or that’s what he tells himself, anyways. What he repeats to himself until true.

 

“Just enjoy the film,” Jaebum says, pulling Jinyoung towards his side. He feels the familiar weight of Jinyoung melting against him, nuzzling even closer, and enjoying the little privacy they have at the corner of the café that they are currently in now, and Jaebum heaves a sigh.

 

It’s X-Men: First Class today, the movie the two of them are watching. It’s the fifth movie installation, which means it’s the fifth Thursday with Jinyoung already. The past Thursdays were spent almost just the same as they spend today: Jaebum meets Jinyoung in a café after the younger’s 1PM class, Jinyoung orders a vanilla and strawberry doughnut and a slice of blueberry cheesecake, and the rest of the afternoon, they just watch movies (just X-Men repeatedly, actually), and they cuddle. Nothing interesting, to be honest, and Myungsoo asks Jaebum repeatedly _when will you fuck?_ but things change, though Jaebum shouldn’t, but Jinyoung happens, so there’s that.

 

“Jaebummie.” Jaebum isn’t aware that he zoned out until Jinyoung calls his name softly, and he focuses his eyes on the laptop screen to see the credits already rolling, and Jinyoung chuckles. “You need to rest now. Let’s go?” Jinyoung says, his shoulder nudging Jaebum’s chin.

 

Jaebum looks outside the glass walls of the café, and he sees it’s getting darker now. It’s probably around eight pm already, Jaebum hunches, but he’s nowhere near caring. It’s usually his cue to get up and get going, but instead he nuzzles his head closer to Jinyoung’s neck, his lips mouthing at the warmth. Jaebum feels Jinyoung sigh, before he starts rubbing Jaebum’s bare arms. Jinyoung always feels warm, and Jaebum feels like a helpless moth attracted to the heat and to the beautiful fire. And to him. It’s spring already, but Jaebum needs Jinyoung’s warmth like he needs the furnace burning on a harsh winter night. Jaebum tightens his hold around Jinyoung’s waist.

 

“A minute,” Jaebum whispers.

 

“I already gave you an hour,” Jinyoung replies, chuckling that low chuckle that sounds just as sexy as it is adorable for Jaebum. He grumbles, remembering how he’s supposed to go home an hour ago when Myungsoo texted him. “Come on, Bummie. I’ll see you again next week.”

 

“Not tomorrow?” Jaebum complains, and Jinyoung laughs wholeheartedly. Jaebum’s heart does the flip it learned ever since he met Jinyoung, but he pointedly ignores that one.

 

“Clingy,” Jinyoung teases, before pecking Jaebum’s cheek. “Next week.”

 

\--

 

It’s past ten pm when Jaebum sees their apartment building, and he’s dead beat but since he took a break from editing his film project (read: he spent the day cuddling Jinyoung), he needs to spend yet another sleepless night doing the responsibilities he shoved aside for a while. Yawning, he unlocks the door to their unit, only to see his best friend with his equally annoying girlfriend looking straight at him, their eyes judging and lips morphed in fox-like grins.

 

Jaebum wants to go back to Jinyoung immediately.

 

Elbowing Myungsoo pointedly, Suzy shrieks, “Oh god, you’re right. Jaebum looks _in love_. Damn!”

 

“He’s a changed man now. I’m proud,” Myungsoo adds as he dramatically wipes nonexistent tears, and Jaebum just ignores them because really, he can’t stop the two. It’s a hobby of theirs to make fun of Jaebum’s nonexistent love life, so hearing them spit stuff is not out of the ordinary.

 

But then there are just times – _nights_ – when Jaebum’s friends get insufferably annoying and persistent. Like:

 

“So, did you fuck?”

 

Jaebum is getting himself a glass of juice in the kitchen, unknowingly having Myungso tail behind him. He whips his head around, arms ready to lift the fridge and throw it to his best friend’s face because _goddamn it, it’s that question again_ but stops himself in time.

 

“Are you still mind-blown that you can’t respond?” Myungso provokes, grinning at Jaebum like the asshole that he is. In Jaebum’s mind, Myungsoo is already lying dead on their apartment floor, his head cut off from his neck, and he’s bleeding unstoppably with Jaebum sitting apathetically on the couch.

 

Jaebum fakes a loud yawn before grunting, “That question’s getting so old.”

 

And there’s also:

 

“What happened to the chic and sexy Im Jaebum who fucks every cutie he sees?”

 

Jaebum is in the middle of working on the soundtracks of his film that he specifically made his cousin sing when Myungsoo randomly popped yet another question. Myungsoo is also editing his own film project, and god knows how Jaebum wants to ruin everything his best friend worked hard for so he’d shut up.

 

“First of all, I don’t fuck every cutie I see, okay?” Jaebum defenses, but Myungsoo just snorts at him. Okay, maybe he really did fuck every cutie he saw, but that was before. Before Jinyoung. Before Jaebum saw the light. Or not. Jaebum hates himself for even considering the thought and he wants to lash out on his best friend and end him as violently as he could. “And second, I did not say anything about Jinyoung being cute,” he adds. _Because cute seems to be a weak word to describe Jinyoung_ , the traitor side of Jaebum’s brain comments, but Myungsoo doesn’t need to hear that bit.

 

“Liar,” Suzy says from her position on the couch beside Myungsoo, her head leaning on the backrest of the seat. “I saw him already, and man he’s _gorgeous_.”

 

Jaebum frowns. He tells his friends about Jinyoung – how can he not tell them when he thinks of the younger more than he thinks of his film project? – but he never showed a photo of him to them. Jaebum looks at Suzy, and her malicious grin almost had Jaebum throwing her out of the apartment.

 

“He’s your wallpaper on your iPad, isn’t he?”

 

And lastly, and notably the worst for the night (or day, because it’s three in the morning already):

 

“Bummie, there’s an incoming video call!”

 

Jaebum is sitting on the kitchen countertop and making himself a cup of coffee to spare himself another hour when Suzy screams a little too loudly and too high-pitched for his ears to appreciate, the younger girl running on bare feet towards Jaebum, his lit-up phone on her hands.

 

“It’s Jinyoungie!”

 

At the name, Jaebum immediately jumps down from his spot and grabs the phone from Suzy, who is unbelievably still awake enough to throw a wink in his direction.

 

“Hey,” is the first word Jinyoung says, and Jaebum feels more awake than ever even before getting himself a dose of caffeine.

 

“Why are you up so early?” Jaebum asks, eyes intent on Jinyoung. If Jinyoung feels uncomfortable with Jaebum watching him, trying to understand what’s going on because Jinyoung might always message first but he never calls first, he doesn’t say a thing. Instead, he smiles. Jaebum thinks he’d melt.

 

“Why are _you_ still awake, hm?” Jinyoung asks, and Jaebum rubs the back of his neck with his inability to respond the same time Jinyoung rubs his eyes off of sleep. “Ah, I knew I’m interfering you from finishing your work.”

 

“No! You’re not!” Jaebum says quickly, eyes wandering on Jinyoung’s face. On the screen, Jaebum could see Jinyoung’s face so closely, his eyes still droopy and lidded, and his cute sweater paws patting his cheeks for some color. He looks adorable even at the wee hours of the day, and for a traitorous second, Jaebum wonders how it would feel like to wake up to Jinyoung’s scrunched up but still stunningly beautiful face.

 

“’Mmkay,” Jinyoung drawls.

 

Jaebum is content on just watching Jinyoung lay there on his bed, taking short gasps of breath and on the brink of going back to sleep, content on just enjoying the silence that they always share when Myungsoo decides to be the bastard that he is.

 

“Hey, babe,” Myungsoo says sickeningly sweet as he wraps himself around Jaebum and presses his cheeks against his so he could enter the frame, and Jaebum’s eyes are too focused on Jinyoung that he sees him flinch at the unfamiliar voice. “Who is it?”

 

“What the—“

 

Jaebum is unable to finish his words when Jinyoung says after a pointed cough, “I should hang up.”

 

“No, shit! Wait, Jinyoung!” Jaebum calls, and relief floods through him when Jinyoung stays on the line, his eyes anywhere but on Jaebum. Annoyed, he excuses himself for a moment from Jinyoung to literally fight Myungsoo, but not without swearing to the younger that he’d be driving to Seoul at this hour when he hangs up.

 

Jaebum spends the next five minutes yelling at Myungsoo and wrestling him, strangling the life out of his best friend. Suzy knows she can’t stop them, so she just stays unmoving on her spot, laughing and cheering for Myungsoo.

 

Panting, Jaebum runs back to the kitchen, praying to all gods that Jinyoung is still on the line, lest he’ll wound up on the road and driving on his pajamas.

 

\--

 

“Stop fidgeting, asshole. You’re not meeting his parents,” Myungsoo cackles, surprisingly paying attention to Jaebum despite being half-asleep. “I can’t believe you’re acting so nervous now. Having plans on fucking pretty boy?”

 

“Shut up,” Jaebum says, gritting his teeth. His hand resting on the steering wheel tightens its grip, and he’s so near on throwing his phone because if Myungsoo is a shitty friend when he’s awake, he’s exponentially shittier when he just woke up.

 

Okay, so calling Myungsoo for a little pep talk before meeting Jinyoung after his best friend’s idiotic stunt of acting like his lover last week is probably the worst idea, but Jaebum can’t stop fretting. Not that he hadn’t apologized yet; actually, Jinyoung said he had apologized far too many times already that he’s reached his quota of sorry’s his entire life. But Jaebum still can’t stop the fear hammering in his chest and the feeling of wanting to kick Myungsoo’s balls.

 

“I’m hanging up, asshole,” Jaebum says as he rubs his face ungracefully with his palm later, deeming Myungsoo useless.

 

“Don’t forget the condom, Jaebum!”

 

In hindsight, talking to Nora would’ve brought Jaebum to a better mood. _Fucking best friends._ Jaebum turns around to check Nora from the backseat, and the cat mewls at his attention.

 

As Jaebum pets Nora’s head, he realizes that Jinyoung is so much like her. The way their eyes closes as they enjoy being petted; the way their nose scrunches up at the feeling of being held close; the way they purr when Jaebum touches their chin. Jaebum puts Nora near his face and touches her nose with Nora’s, and Jaebum’s eyes flutter close, images of a kitten that looks so much like Jinyoung forming itself on his head.

 

As if brought to life by his imagination, Jaebum feels a soft knock on the window of his car. He turns and sees Jinyoung, and if he feels envious that Jinyoung’s fond gaze is on Nora and not on him, Jinyoung doesn’t need to know.

 

Jaebum puts Nora down on the shotgun seat, before opening the door to greet Jinyoung. The younger doesn’t let him get out and greet him properly because even before Jaebum could do so, Jinyoung is already on his lap and reaching for Nora.

 

“Aigoo,” Jinyoung coos as he places himself comfortably on Jaebum’s thighs, and Jaebum can’t fight the force that lifts the corners of his lips in a warm smile. When will Jinyoung stop being so fucking cute? “I miss you!”

 

“Miss you too,” Jaebum replies automatically, and Jinyoung turns to him abruptly with pink cheeks. “Says Nora,” Jaebum adds, winking.

 

Jinyoung cradles Nora in his left arm, and then looks at Jaebum again before lifting his right hand to brush Jaebum’s fringe away from his face. And then he’s leaning down on Jaebum, kissing his forehead and Jaebum doesn’t even dare stop his hands from tightening their grip on Jinyoung’s waist. “Hello, you.”

 

Jinyoung doesn’t know how much will power Jaebum uses to stop himself from devouring him whole right there and then, does he?

 

“Thank you for noticing me,” Jaebum kids. Jinyoung chuckles loudly, before he maneuvers himself so he’s sitting on the shotgun without getting out of the car again.

 

Once on his seat, Jinyoung kisses Nora repeatedly who is obviously enjoying the attention if her mewls are anything to go by, before turning to Jaebum with a wide grin, “Let’s go!”

 

Jinyoung is acting normal, and Jaebum thinks he’s nowhere near bringing up what happened on the video call last week. Not that it was a big deal. (But it was, actually, a big deal for Jaebum.) Instead of fretting, Jaebum should just be thankful that the misunderstanding is over, right?

 

Though, in all honesty, Jaebum can’t still fathom why Jinyoung thought that he and Myungsoo is a thing. Jinyoung is a smart guy, so why didn’t he think that Jaebum won’t even spare him a look if he’s dating someone already? (This one’s a lie. Jaebum _would_ spare Jinyoung a second, third, fourth look whether he’s taken or single.)

 

Jaebum hates his contrasting thoughts.

 

“Where to?” Jaebum says, trying his best to not apologize. Again.

 

“It’s a secret,” Jinyoung sing-songs, and Jaebum frowns. Jinyoung reaches out to straighten the creases on his forehead. “Just drive.”

 

“Okay,” Jaebum says, but stays unmoving. Minutes later and Jinyoung realizes the car’s engine is still not revved, and he asks Jaebum why he isn’t driving yet. To which Jaebum replies with all the maturity he has, “You still haven’t told me you missed me.”

 

\--

 

“Are we there yet?” Jaebum asks as he turns the corner, and Jinyoung pushes Nora in his face. The charmed cat paws at Jaebum with her nails, and Jinyoung laughs. “Traitor,” Jaebum tells Nora.

 

“Ah, look at her. She loves me more now,” Jinyoung says as he fondles Nora, ignoring Jaebum’s query fully. He tells Jinyoung this and repeats his question, to which Jinyoung responds, “Just drive, Jaebummie. I’m not getting us lost.” Jaebum sees mischief glint in his eyes, but he just shakes it off.

 

Which, in retrospect, is a very, very bad idea because as he pulls the car to a stop, the mischief only glinted umpteen times brighter in the younger’s eyes.

 

“ _Park’s_ Diner?” Jaebum exclaims, mouth opened in a rather unattractive manner. Jaebum could only mutter a few words out of his frozen mouth, but Jinyoung gets him all the same.

 

“You caught up real fast, Im Jaebum. I’m proud,” Jinyoung mocks, closing Jaebum’s open mouth.

 

“And you couldn’t have told me earlier?” Myungsoo’s words from their earlier talk on the phone crawled back in Jaebum’s head: _You’re not meeting his parents._ Jaebum is downright freaking out, but he can’t help himself. Jaebum wants to throw himself out of this world.

 

“Don’t worry, my parents are out in Busan. If that’s what you’re thinking,” Jinyoung says, winking. When Jaebum heaves a sigh of relief, the mischief flashes across Jinyoung’s eyes again as he says, “But my sisters are here, so welcome!” Jaebum’s jaw almost meets the ground, and Jinyoung chuckles cutely at him. Jaebum wants to kiss the life out of the younger so he would know how frantic Jaebum feels on the inside, except that would be totally unnecessary especially when they’re just outside the diner that Jinyoung’s family owns.

 

Probably in an attempt to calm Jaebum down, Jinyoung leans and pecks his cheek, muttering a soft “Ah, you’re cute,” before grabbing his hand and pulling him inside the restaurant. The gesture, however, just made his heart pump and flip and Jaebum hates himself for feeling things.

 

Once seated at the corner booth of the diner, Jinyoung immediately cuddles at Jaebum, sitting as close as he could and Jaebum welcomes him with an embrace. Though there’s still this fear at the back of Jaebum’s mind that Jinyoung’s family might not want to see Jinyoung enveloped in an unfamiliar man’s arms. Jaebum tells the younger this.

 

“Unfamiliar? They know you,” Jinyoung says nonchalantly, pulling the sleeves of his turtleneck until past his knuckles before patting Jaebum’s cheek with it.

 

“Of course, we do know you. That kid won’t stop praising you.”

 

Jaebum’s eyes immediately dart on the owner of the voice he just heard, and he almost pushes Jinyoung away from him when he sees a familiar pair of eyes on a rather unfamiliar face. The woman resembles Jinyoung’s crescent eyes very much, and Jaebum finds himself giving out an awkward smile that he sure hopes doesn’t look like a constipated scowl.

 

“Noona,” Jinyoung grumbles before hiding his face at the crook of Jaebum’s neck. “What did I say about embarrassing me in front of Jaebummie?”

 

“And what did I say about flirting inside the diner?” another voice says, and Jaebum sees yet another woman leaning at their table, giving Jinyoung a fake glare.

 

“I’m not!” Jinyoung says, jolting upwards quickly, hands closed in a fist. Jaebum knows Jinyoung is attempting an annoyed and irate look, but Jinyoung just looks adorable like a two-year-old throwing a tantrum. Jaebum smiles and unclenches his fists before he pulls him back down.

 

Much to Jinyoung’s chagrin, they spend the rest of their stay in the diner in the presence of Jinyoung’s sisters, making fun of him and even showing Jaebum photos of Jinyoung from years ago. Jinyoung still looks the same; Jinyoung still looks as innocent and adorable and beautiful as he did a few years back. Jaebum can’t help but caress Jinyoung’s arm every time.

 

It’s nearly seven pm when Jinyoung’s sisters let them go to help in tending with the customers, the diner filling up with more and more people than from hours ago as dinnertime approaches. It’s just then that Jaebum feels Jinyoung heave a deep sigh of relief before finding his place at his side, his clothed arms hugging Jaebum’s waist tightly.

 

“My sisters are so fond of you. I think they like you better now than they do me.”

 

“Is that a bad thing?” Jaebum jokes, but it gets Jinyoung to look up to him and meet his gaze.

 

Jaebum is always openly staring at Jinyoung, his adoration never a secret to the younger. But the gaze Jinyoung is giving Jaebum now is something new, something more indecipherable, something more intense. Jaebum stares back, but trying to get through what Jinyoung’s gaze relays is like decrypting an Egyptian code, and Jaebum finds himself breathless and stunned at the mere ardency in Jinyoung’s dark eyes.

 

“It’d never be a bad thing,” Jinyoung says, that mysterious look still on him, and Jaebum drowns at the sincerity in his voice. Jinyoung lifts up the sleeves of his shirt, revealing his pale palms which are surprisingly warm when Jaebum feels them on his cheeks. “I want them to like you… to love you. Because you are an amazing person and you deserve all the love.”

 

\--

 

Jinyoung messaged Jaebum last week that he couldn’t meet him the next Thursday, and it’s okay. Jaebum could work on his film project that’s having more progress than him and Jinyoung (which is saying a lot, because Jaebum works on his film in a turtle pace). Except his dad asked him to drive and meet his mom in Seoul, to which Jaebum can’t say no to since his father started saying something about being in love and… Jaebum actually ignored the rest of his sermon. But his father is obviously hinting about him and Jinyoung, and what else could Jaebum do to shut him up but do what he asks. Even though what Jaebum would rather do is sleep on his couch with Nora on his stomach.

 

Jaebum doesn’t live with his father who stays in Ilsan, but he tells him he goes to Seoul every Thursday for a certain someone. His father is quick to catch up, and Jaebum is grateful for having fewer explanations to do.

 

It’s nothing big, actually, his father is just asking him to meet his mom who arrived in Seoul last night, and is currently on the hospital she works on right now. Not that Jaebum hates his mom, no. Jaebum’s parents are divorced for years now, probably even longer than the years they spent being married. And Jaebum is okay with it, maybe. But that’s what makes them both happy, or at least that’s what Jaebum’s dad told him. _I want her to be happy,_ he reasons. _I love your mom, but if she’s not happy with me, who am I to hold her back?_

It’s pathetic, Jaebum has always thought. But his parents’ definitions of love vary, and maybe that’s what made the difference.

 

They were both young when they got married, both still at the prime of their careers. But when Jaebum happened, his mom resigned and threw away everything she had, all for little Jaebum. It was a bold move; Jaebum’s mom is a topnotch chemist who was working for a big company and just about to start med school to pursue her dreams. Upon her resignation from her career in favor of being a full-time housewife, all the pressure was put on Jaebum’s father’s shoulders.

 

_As a father, I have no complaints against your dad. But he was so focused on being a good father and provider that he forgot who he should be before all these—a husband._

Jaebum understands where his mom is coming from, and as he grew up in his dad’s care, he also understood his father’s actions. He drowned himself in work to earn more than enough to provide for them, and his mom is right: Jaebum’s father did a great job as a parent.

 

His parents’ marriage didn’t affect Jaebum as much as other people thought it should have, because his parents tried to give him the best childhood they could despite being separated. He’s not mad or angry at any of them, and he’s not mad at the world either. He’s a carefree man with parents as supportive and loving as they could be, and since he can’t ask for them to be together again, Jaebum could say he couldn’t ask for more.

 

\--

 

“I can’t believe I chose to help you move your stuff here than to sleep,” Jaebum says as he wipes the sweat off his forehead with the sleeves of his shirt, and his mom throws a magazine at him.

 

Jaebum unexpectedly spent the rest of the afternoon helping his mom arrange her stuff on her new office at a higher floor in the hospital. It’s nothing much; tiring, actually, but Jaebum is thankful of the simple things he could do with and for his mom.

 

“You would choose sleeping over me, but you always choose this certain someone over rest?”

 

“What the—“ Jaebum says, but stops mid-curse because his mom looks at him like she’ll throw her medical hard bounds at him and break his skull, “I mean, ugh. Dad.”

 

Jaebum’s mom smiles at him. “I guess you’re past your rebellious phase.”

 

“I _never_ had a rebellious phase.”

 

“So what should we call your getting-laid-every-night days?” At this point, Jaebum is downright scandalized.

 

“Aren’t you a pediatrician? Your words are supposed to be kid-friendly.”

 

“I’m not talking to a kid right now; I’m talking to my son,” his mom reasons, back on him as she hangs his high school graduation photo on the wall behind her desk. Jaebum groans. “So, who is it?”

 

“I’m not dropping names,” Jaebum says, plopping himself down on the couch far away from her mom’s desk. “How are you and Timothy?” Jaebum asks instead in a not-so subtle way of diverting the conversation away from him. Timothy is Jaebum’s mom’s boyfriend.

 

Instead of answering, Jaebum’s mom laughs. “Would you say Timothy’s name again, Jaebum? You sound so cute when you say English names.”

 

Jaebum grumbles from his seat, palms rubbing his face in a frustrated manner. Maybe because he can’t believe his mom is mid-40s and yet she acts like a teen. But mostly because he is reminded of Jinyoung and that day when Jaebum pronounced ‘Xavier’ for Jinyoung and the younger kept on asking him to repeat the name because _you look cute when you say Xavier, Jaebummie._

Fuck his life.

 

“Jaebum-ah.” Jaebum doesn’t know if he dozed off or if he just ignored his mom for a while, but when he looks at her, she’s on the armrest of the couch, holding out a slightly huge box. “I went to Japan a few weeks back, and I bought this for you.”

 

Jaebum’s excitement as he pulls the green ribbon off the box and unwraps it vanishes in the air as he sees what’s inside, his face now a mix of surprise and disbelief.

 

“I’d like to say thank you for the Polaroid camera, but really, mom? Bart Simpsons?”

 

Jaebum’s mom laughs, her eyes disappearing in a way that looks so much like Jaebum’s, before she regards him with a fond smile. “Don’t think I didn’t see you when you bought that Bart briefs, young man.”

 

Jaebum is speechless.

 

“How about Dad? What did you get him?”

 

“Hm, I bought him a few engineering books,” his mom replies, hands busy from lifting a paper bag from a box. “Your dad needs to rest for a while. Seriously. He overworks himself.”

 

“He does,” Jaebum agrees. His mom turns to him and smiles as she hands him the paper bag. “Do you miss him?”

 

“I do. I’d like to see him, but that could wait since I won’t be leaving Seoul any minute soon.”

 

Jaebum stands up from the couch, and walks towards his mom who’s dusting off the frame with a photo of her and Timothy. “Do you know that your wedding photo is still hanging on the living room.”

 

“Jaebum,” his mom says, voice soft and fond, eyes and hands on him.

 

“Not because he wants to, though. I want to keep it there. You look beautiful there, and happy,” Jaebum says, hands gripping his mom’s a little tighter before pulling away. He goes to see the rest of the photo frames from the box, and he smiles to see most of them are his pictures. “Are you happy?”

 

“I am.”

 

“With Timothy?”

 

“Very much.” Jaebum’s mom’s voice is dripping with love and sincerity, and Jaebum couldn’t be any less happy.

 

“I could see,” he says, before dusting off a few frames himself. “Mom,” he calls. His mom hums. “Do you regret marrying Dad?”

 

“No, sweetheart. I don’t,” she answers without hesitance, taking Jaebum’s hands. “He made me happy once in my life, and without him, I wouldn’t have you, too.”

 

Jaebum smiles at that. His parents never lets him forget that he was, is, and always will be their happiness. “You also threw away being a chemist for Dad. For us.”

 

“And I never regretted doing so. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t hear your first laugh and your first word, wouldn’t see your first smile, and wouldn’t see your first walk.” Jaebum looks down at his mom and sees her furtively wipe at her eyes. “I stayed because I love you, and I left because I love him. I don’t want to see him hurt because he ceased to make me happy despite all his efforts anymore.”

 

“But you’re okay now, right? I mean, you and Dad?”

 

“We are. We talk once in a while, and he checks me and Timothy, too. He tells me about your… endeavors, too,” she replies, eyes squinting at Jaebum. Then she adds with a warm smile, “Some people are just better off as friends. Like me and your Dad.”

 

 _Like me and Jinyoung,_ Jaebum’s mind bugs, and he ignores the hand gripping tighter and tighter at his heart.

 

\--

 

After dinner, Jaebum is supposed to go home for his eight am class the next day, but since he left the books he needs to hand to his Dad, he and his mom goes back to the hospital. Upon arrival, chaos welcomes them, and his mom just shrugs it off since it’s not a new occurrence around.

 

But what’s new is the shrill sound of hurt scream that Jaebum hears as soon as the elevator door opens at the fifth floor. It’s way past visiting hours, and the hallways are almost lifeless and Jaebum feels an extra whip of eeriness as he walks along the corridor with his mom.

 

Two rooms before his mom’s office, Jaebum almost has his heart on the floor at the raw wretchedness of the scream that he hears again. It’s from the same room, Jaebum notes, the pained screams and yells. Jaebum is never one who frequents the hospital, and he is new to hearing such drastic noises, but this one sounds achingly familiar, and Jaebum holds his chest.

 

Jaebum presses his palms on the wall in an attempt to stay in his feet, but the hallway reverberates again with a suffered cry, the vehement shrill from the room echoing in the empty corridor, and Jaebum almost crumbles on the floor because the sounds rings close to the heart.

 

“Jaebum?”

 

Jaebum is trying to analyze the pricking familiarity of what he just heard that he didn’t notice his mom walked away from him. He just knew that she did because she’s getting out of the door where the screams come from.

 

“Mom.”

 

“You know a certain Park Jinyoung?”

 

Jaebum feels his heart shattering on the floor.

 

\--

 

“Jaebum-ah.”

 

It’s almost eleven pm, and Jaebum should be on the road driving back to his apartment now, but instead he’s sitting at the couch on his mom’s office, his elbows on his knees, and his hands covering his face. No, he isn’t crying, but Jaebum is shaking profusely and his mom is worried, Jaebum knows that much.

 

“Stop looking so miserable, son,” she says again, this time holding Jaebum in her arms tightly. The feeling is familiar and not unwelcomed, but the embrace is nowhere near as precious and wanted as Jinyoung’s, and Jaebum hates himself for being a trash like this.

 

“I feel miserable, Mom,” he replies, face still buried in his calloused palms.

 

“You know I can’t tell you anything about his condition, right?” Jaebum nods. “But I can pull some strings so you could see him.”

 

Jaebum looks up at this, and if his eyes are glassy and tear-filled, his mom doesn’t say anything. Instead, she just smiles.

 

And true to her words, she indeed pulled some strings for him, the exact reason why Jaebum’s standing outside Room 521, holding out a piece of paper flower. Jaebum feels idiotic and straight up stupid and it’s 3:06 am already and probably not the right time to see Jinyoung, but Jaebum has lost his sense of logic and reasoning and he just wants to see Jinyoung, whether the younger is awake or asleep.

 

“Ah, look at you. Did Jinyoung kiss the confidence in you away?”

 

For a moment, Jaebum forgets his internal panic and turns to her mom with a grimace, his mom smiling at him and his pink ears in a way that comforted Jaebum’s heart a little.

 

“Dr. Kang says he’s asleep, so keep quiet, okay?” Jaebum hums, his fingers subtly playing the paper flower. “I’ll leave you now. You have twenty minutes, Jaebum.” Jaebum smiles and hugs his mom, says a quick _thanks_ , and gets inside with a thudding piece of organ in his chest.

 

When he gets inside, Jaebum stands frozen at the middle of Jinyoung’s room. None of his family members are in – apparently, Jinyoung doesn’t want them around at the hospital – so Jinyoung’s all alone in his bed.

 

He looks pale and weak in his hospital gown, and especially pallid at the sleeping state he’s in now. Jaebum wants to cry, wants to scream but he makes no sound. Instead, he watches closely the Jinyoung sleeping on the bed right now, nowhere near the bubbly and enthusiastic Jinyoung he always sees every Thursday.

 

With all the strength left in him, Jaebum walks towards Jinyoung, putting the pale pink paper flower he made at the side of Jinyoung’s head. He takes the stool from the wall, and sits near Jinyoung. As gently as he could, Jaebum holds Jinyoung’s free hand.

 

Jaebum wants to ridicule himself for thinking Jinyoung still looks as stunning as he does even on his state, but it’s a fact that even Jaebum can’t deny. The younger has lost his warm, radiant color, and his lips are now pale and dull, but Jaebum would be lying if he says they don’t look as kissable as they do when they were pink and plump.

 

The following fifteen minutes are spent with Jaebum just staring intently at Jinyoung like he’s some piece of an installation art as his thumb softly strokes Jinyoung’s fingers. It’s then, as Jaebum moves to caress Jinyoung’s palms, that he feels the younger’s hand move.

 

“Jinyoung,” Jaebum whispers, and his hand quickly moves to press the buzzer and alert Jinyoung’s doctor that he’s awake, but Jinyoung stops him with a weak tug on his index finger.

 

“I just… want… a few minutes… alone… with you.”

 

Jaebum has managed to stop himself from sobbing his heart out even after he heard Jinyoung wail in pain a few minutes after entering his mom’s office. But as Jinyoung speaks with very little energy, sounding so pained and weak, Jaebum is unable to stop his tears from streaming. Jinyoung’s whisper is soft and almost inaudible, but his plea is strong enough to tear Jaebum apart.

 

For a while, they stay like that—with Jinyoung rubbing Jaebum’s fingers softly, and Jaebum sobbing quietly in Jinyoung’s hold. Jaebum doesn’t want the younger to see him look so vulnerable, but there’s only so much pain his heart can handle.

 

“Jaebummie,” Jinyoung nudges a few beats later, smiling up at Jaebum like nothing’s wrong, like pain is something he doesn’t feel at the moment.

 

“I’m sorry,” Jaebum says, harshly wiping tears off his face. “I’m—“ Jaebum starts, clears his throat, then continues, “—sorry.”

 

“No,” Jinyoung says, hands holding onto Jaebum. “ _I’m_ sorry,” he says, and asks Jaebum to help him up. Once in a sitting position with Jaebum’s hand at the small of his back, Jinyoung continues with a hand on Jaebum’s cheek, “I’m sorry for not telling you earlier… for holding you back when you could’ve left sooner.”

 

Jaebum frowns in confusion, and Jinyoung mirrors his expression.

 

“Why would I leave?”

 

“Because I’m sick? Because I might die any minute?” Jinyoung quips, trying to sound as nonchalant as he could. He chuckles mirthlessly before adding, “No one would really stay with me, to be honest. I don’t even know why my family still sticks around.”

 

Jaebum wants to strangle Jinyoung, or maybe throw him out of the hospital window five floors above the ground, but he settles with a flick on the younger’s forehead. “Idiot.”

 

\--

 

Exactly twenty minutes after Jaebum got inside Jinyoung’s hospital room, Dr. Kang gets inside and does her check-up on Jinyoung. Jaebum excused himself to leave and take some rest in his mom’s office, but Jinyoung asked him to stay with him, and Jaebum never really has the heart to say no to the younger.

 

And that’s how Jaebum ends up sitting at the edge of Jinyoung’s bed a little less than thirty minutes later, the younger’s back facing him as he helps Jinyoung tie the hospital gown he wears atop his boxers when his doctor left. It’s a torture, to have Jinyoung so close to the touch and yet is still untouchable, and Jaebum sighs to himself and prays to all gods that Jinyoung won’t ask questions about something hard hitting his backside that’s totally not Jaebum’s belt buckle.

 

Jinyoung’s drowsiness saves Jaebum from further questioning, and upon the younger’s request, he takes the space beside Jinyoung and allows himself to take a nap.

 

By seven am, instead of taking a shower in his apartment and preparing for his eight am Film 149 class (the same one where Jaebum is supposed to submit his film project in… hm, three weeks), Jaebum finds himself sitting on the bed with Jinyoung between his thighs, the younger leaning against his body. Aside from rubbing Jinyoung’s bare arms, Jaebum is not exactly doing anything, and so is Jinyoung who is just nuzzling his head on the spot where Jaebum’s neck and collarbones meet, his hands busy playing with the paper flower that Jaebum gave him.

 

Jaebum is content with this—with them just snuggling close to each other and sharing body warmth even though it’s almost summer. Until Jinyoung speaks.

 

“Do you know why I like X-Men so much?”

 

“Because of Wolverine’s abs?” Jinyoung hits Jaebum loudly, his lips pouting in a way that’s tempting Jaebum to no ends. “I’m kidding. I mean, X-Men is a great movie series, so I didn’t question you on liking it.” Jinyoung hums, and Jaebum knows the younger wants to hear him ask it. Stifling his laughter, Jaebum gives in and asks, “So, why does my Jinyoungie likes X-Men, hm?”

 

At this, Jinyoung turns his head and smiles up at Jaebum, his eyes sparkling in ways brighter than the morning sun at the possessive pronoun used. Though Jaebum can’t exactly focus at the unadulterated beauty right in front of him because _goddamn it,_ Jinyoung’s lips are a thread away from Jaebum’s, and his patience is running short and all he wants is to devour Jinyoung right there and then. Jaebum closes his eyes to shut himself away from the temptation, and he’s glad that Jinyoung shifts a little. Hopefully, away from him because fucking Jinyoung on an early morning light at a hospital bed isn’t really on Jaebum’s list of things to do.

 

“Hypertrophic cardiomyopathy,” Jinyoung says, and despite the attempted nonchalance, Jaebum hears the underlying tremble in Jinyoung’s voice as he says the words, the younger shuddering a little in Jaebum’s hold. “Dr. Kang explained it to me and my family, but I was so young then, so I only grasped the things I wanted to hear,” Jinyoung continues, his chuckles losing its usual mirth and giddiness. Jaebum moves his hands around Jinyoung so he’s enveloped in an embrace, letting the younger know that’s he’s listening. Jinyoung carries on, “I was nine when they first tried to explain it to me. I am a smart kid, Jaebum, but my filtered hearing only took in the words _the heart muscle becomes abnormally thick, making it harder for the heart to pump blood._ I was okay at that explanation then, since I don’t really want to dig deeper and just die trying to understand what’s going on inside my chest. By then, every visit, they try to talk to me about my condition, but again and again, I only take in my mind the same words.

 

“Their last attempt at explaining my sickness to me – or more like the time they realized I don’t really pay attention on the technicalities and stuff – was when I was 11. It was during that time when Dr. Kang said the words that interested me: _HCM is an inherited disease, a genetic condition due to a change or mutation in one or more of your genes._ Maybe it’s due to having a biology class that year, but the word _genetic_ piqued my interest, so I searched it on the internet. Only, at that time, X-Men was so hot—“

 

“I see you, Park Jinyoung,” Jaebum interrupts, gaining a hard pinch on his harm. He lifts his arm up to show Jinyoung the crescents his nails had dug on his skin, and Jinyoung, laughing, kisses the pain away.

 

“So, as I was saying before I was rudely interrupted,” Jinyoung starts with a pointed glare that only looked adorable, “at the time, X-Men was so hot in the internet because apparently, Prof X died in the X-Men: The Last Stand movie, so the first page of my internet search showed up X-Men. My attention was immediately side-tracked, so I ended up shopping the first two DVDs online,” Jinyoung finishes with a cheeky grin, and Jaebum just shakes his head, gripping Jinyoung tighter, and he smiles to himself when he feels the younger melt against his embrace.

 

Jaebum lets a few minutes pass with just the two of them cuddling, before he takes a deep breath and asks, “So, how long have you known about your… uhm—“

 

“Sickness?” Jinyoung continues, saving Jaebum from saying it. Jaebum smiles in confirmation, and Jinyoung shifts lower and presses his cheeks on Jaebum’s chest before saying, “None of my sisters were diagnosed with HCM, so my family had me undergo a routine check-up. It was during then that I was diagnosed with enlargement of my heart. I was one then,” Jinyoung narrates, and Jaebum is thankful that he doesn’t say anything about the thumping he hears on the area near Jaebum’s own heart. Jaebum is sure as hell that his heart is healthy, but Jinyoung would probably be the cause of his early death if their proximity keeps on disrupting the normal functioning of Jaebum’s heart.

 

If anyone tells Jaebum that Jinyoung’s condition is alarming without him seeing Jinyoung this weak and debilitated, without hearing him scream with so much pain, Jaebum won’t even bat an eyelash. Jinyoung is always happy, always looks and acts so carefree and merry and blithe, and for the past weeks, it hadn’t even crossed Jaebum’s mind. But now that he knew, now that Jinyoung had enlightened him, Jaebum looks back at the events from the past that might have given Jinyoung away.

 

Aside from the fact that Jinyoung never drank any caffeinated drink in the past, Jaebum can’t think of any besides that first day when he met Jinyoung.

 

They were talking then, with Nora playing with Jinyoung’s beanie as she sits on Jaebum’s shoulders. It was a long story of mistakenly given free hugs and the lack thereof, but for the first time that day, Jaebum was leaning towards a nameless stranger then, ready to give him a hug that he illegally got by pouting and looking at Jaebum with his adorable puppy eyes, when they both heard a scream which caused them both to jump away from each other.

 

 _Park Jinyoung!_ Jaebum can still make out Jackson’s frustrated and panting calls that day, the bulkier and slightly shorter blond drenched in sweat.

 

Jinyoung ran then, and Jackson’s calls turned from his names to _Stop running, you idiot! It’s bad for your heart, asshole!_

Jaebum realizes now why.

 

“That day, when we first met,” Jaebum starts, gaining Jinyoung’s attention away from the paper flower that the younger is seamlessly playing with, “why was Jackson running after you?”

 

“Ah, you remember Jacks!”

 

“I do,” Jaebum says, stopping himself from adding _because I thought he’s your boyfriend_. It’s pathetic, and he would sound like a jealous asshat. (He is.)

 

“I have scheduled check-ups every fourteenth and twenty-eighth that I’m… uh – kind of skipping,” Jinyoung replies with an impish smile, and Jaebum finds himself unabashedly staring. Jinyoung’s face is becoming less pale as the hours pass by, and Jaebum’s brain starts short-circuiting. They start sending signals to Jaebum’s cheeks, the said body parts blushing in their own accord even at Jinyoung’s littlest smiles.

 

Jaebum thinks he needs to shut down and restart his brain before he goes insane.


	2. Summer

Spring is over, and so is the semester. The leaves of the lone oak tree standing graciously outside their apartment building has its leaves brushing the railing of the balcony, and Jaebum sees the dark green leaves bathed in the late morning sun. As he stares outside – a thing he missed doing for the past weeks since he was drowned in paper works and film editing – his eyes squint at the early summer rays, but he doesn’t miss the birds sitting and chirping on the branches of the huge tree and on top of the nearby buildings. It’s a little humid for Jaebum’s liking, and the stickiness of his body isn’t helping either, but as Jaebum inhales and takes in a puff of not-so-fresh air, his eyes flutter close at the sign of temporary freedom from university.

 

Jaebum’s momentary solitude and relaxation are cut short when he hears the apartment door being pushed open. Jaebum opens his eyes for a bit, only to see Myungsoo’s own falling on the tied-up condom disgustingly sitting on the center table. His best friend’s face contorts and the food on his hands almost falls, but Jaebum ignores him pointedly.

 

Jaebum is mentally preparing himself from Myungsoo’s brash preach about fucking on their shared couch when the bathroom door on their left opens, and Jiyeon walks out of it. The said girl is clad innocently back in her shirt and skirt, and she sashays gracefully towards Jaebum.

 

“Thank you,” Jiyeon whispers as she leans down for a kiss, her tongue licking tentatively on Jaebum’s chapped ones.

 

The kiss doesn’t take long, though it took more tongue and teeth than Jaebum prepared for, and Jiyeon is panting as they both pull away, her hands clutching on Jaebum’s shoulders for support.

 

“Take care going home, and enjoy summer,” Jaebum says, offering Jiyeon a timid smile.

 

“I will,” Jiyeon replies brightly, and Jaebum stands up to give her a quick hug. “You too.”

 

Jiyeon leaves the apartment at that, regarding Myungsoo with a sweet smile and a nod. Once the door is locked and it’s just the two of them, Myungsoo throws Jaebum a piece of fry from the takeout he was carrying.

 

“I just went out to buy us food!”

 

“Jiyeon just lives nearby,” Jaebum reasons, ignoring Myungsoo as he fixes his boxers.

 

“I was out for not more than thirty minutes, Im Jaebum.”

 

“Long enough,” Jaebum says, laughing at Myungsoo’s ugly grimace. His best friend looks downright exasperated, but Jaebum couldn’t care less. “It didn’t even take us more than ten minutes.”

 

Jaebum sluggishly moves across the couch to get the remote control and turn the TV on when Myungsoo hits him at the back of his head. Grunting, Jaebum turns his head at his best friend, only to find said person looking highly offended at the condom on the table. Mercilessly, Jaebum picks up the offending material slowly, and he almost dies laughing when Myungsoo feigned vomiting.

 

“That was like, the third fuck you had today. And it’s only lunch time,” Myungsoo says with a lilt of frustration in his voice as he busies himself preparing the takeout food.

 

“I see you’ve been counting,” Jaebum counters as he exits his room, his lower half cleaned up of sticky body fluids.

 

“And that’s your – what, tenth fuck?” Myungsoo says in faux disbelief. “Tenth fuck in a span of three days,” he adds, eyes boring holes in Jaebum’s skull. “Wow, Jaebum. Is this a new sport you’re into? Or are you trying to get yourself a Guinness world record?”

 

Jaebum never runs out of snarky replies, but as Myungsoo sits beside him, his eyes trying to analyze the return of Jaebum’s _rebellious phase_ (or so his mom said), Jaebum could only just sigh in response, his hands pulling at his hair hard.

 

Frustrated. Exasperated. Tired. Confused. Baffled. If Myungsoo wants to know what’s going on in Jaebum’s life, then that makes the two of them.

 

“This is about Jinyoung, isn’t it?”

 

At the mention of the younger’s name, the pricking grip of longing that Jaebum worked hard to bury at the back of his mind comes back to tighten its hold on Jaebum’s heart, and he heaves a sigh even deeper than the one he took when he was done with his requirements for the previous semester.

 

Ignoring Jinyoung should be easy. Should be. Because Jinyoung isn’t that annoying type of nagging boyfriend who can’t keep their hands off their phone and text you when you don’t send them a _good morning_ message. No, not really. And not that Jinyoung is Jaebum’s boyfriend. No, he isn’t. Yet. It’s complicated. But that’s not the point. The thing is, Jaebum shouldn’t be too affected, especially when in fact, it was Jaebum who avoided Jinyoung in the first place without so much of a word. But he is. Jaebum almost lost all his sanity in the past weeks. And just thinking about the sheer effort he exerted in not calling Jinyoung is making him dizzy.

 

So, in retrospect, ignoring Jinyoung is the most ignorant thing Jaebum has ever done.

 

Helpless, he turns his gaze to Myungsoo for rescue, who just shrugs dismissively at him in response.

 

“You’re old enough to clean your own mess,” Myungsoo replies seriously before he starts munching gluttonously on his burger.

 

\--

 

“What are you doing here? Didn’t I tell you that my house is not a dump for trashes like your sorry ass?”

 

“What are _you_ doing here?” Jaebum retorts and stops unpacking for a minute to walk towards Solar and give her cheek a sloppy, wet kiss. “Aren’t you supposed to be working at the café?”

 

“Hah,” Solar cackles as she rubs her offended cheeks ungraciously, face contorted in annoyance and disgust, “says my _co-owner_ who only visits the café every summer.”

 

Jaebum laughs loudly, before he throws himself on the duvet after making sure all his stuff are carefully placed on their spots on the guest room on Solar’s house that Jaebum calls the dibs on every summer. Solar follows suit, throwing herself atop Jaebum, limbs thrown everywhere across the huge bed.

 

“You know the house rules, Im Jaebum,” Solar says after a few minutes of rolling across Jaebum’s body. “No fucking on the living room especially on the couch; no fucking in the balcony, at the front door, at the pool, and on the kitchen; and no one can stay here overnight but you. Unless they have my permission,” Solar enumerates, counting with her slender fingers that would definitely pinch Jaebum painfully if he replies cockily.

 

“Aye aye, captain,” Jaebum mocks, getting himself a deadly glare from Solar. “I know, I get it. Your house, your rules,” Jaebum adds, before he frowns teasingly and continues, “though isn’t this basically my house?”

 

“Hah, you wish. It’s your birthday gift to _me_ , so technically, _I_ own this now,” Solar retorts, waggling her eyebrows.

 

“Whatever. It’s fine. I’m not here to get laid, anyways,” Jaebum deadpans.

 

Solar fakes a loud gasp and exaggeratedly clutches at her chest that almost had her falling on the floor, eyes and mouth opened comically widely. “Say what?” As if for added effects, she has her hands covering her snarky mouth.

 

“I’m here to wait tables, make caffeinated drinks, and do some inventory, not to fuck around. So calm yourself,” Jaebum says lazily, patting Solar’s face that he knows would annoy her so much. “But for now, let me sleep because I’m fucking tired.”

 

“Or tired fucking?”

 

Jaebum just ignores the heavy presence atop him and gets himself lulled to sleep, ridding his mind of complications and forgetting for a moment a certain lad with hair dark as midnight and eyes brighter than stars.

 

\--

 

Waking up more than twelve hours later, Jaebum feels his head pound, his vision spinning at a dizzying pace. Jaebum should have known that it takes more than flying to Jeju to forget about Jinyoung. It’s a futile move, if Jaebum is to be honest with himself, but he just doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t even think that he’d get his mind off the younger even if he throws himself to outer space, let his body float directionless in the vast expanse of the galaxy.

 

But Jaebum didn’t go to Jeju to rant about how he made his life miserable by doing illogical decisions. Jaebum doesn’t have plans on going out and about and announce to the entire island how he misses Jinyoung and his little giggles and flushed cheeks and warm hugs. Definitely not. So Jaebum does his best to work as properly as possible in the café.

 

The first day he spends working at the café, Jaebum survives the day without scalding anyone of hot coffee or splashing them with cold frappe. He also extends the effort to offering toothed smiles at them, sometimes giving a few customers giggle-worthy grins if he’s not feeling too sticky. Jaebum mentally pats himself for a job well-done.

 

Jaebum continues doing what he thinks is a great job, but four days later, Jaebum is going stir crazy.

 

It’s Thursday when Jaebum wakes up at four pm after working until three am the previous night, and instead of feeling delighted to be able to work again and meet probable hook-ups at the café, Jaebum feels insane. Insane and extremely unhappy. Jaebum sits at the edge of the bed, prodding his elbows on his knees before pulling harshly at his hair, and he grunts loudly that he’s sure anyone inside the house would hear.

 

“Finally tired of your pretense joy?”

 

From being scrunched up in his calloused palms, Jaebum lifts his head up. There he sees Solar in a casual shirt and skirt, face bright and smile bubbly. But still not bright enough to lighten up Jaebum.

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

Solar pointedly ignores Jaebum’s question, instead she goes to rummage through his clothes to look for something. Moments later, she turns around with a pair of trousers and tank top. “Let’s go get some drink,” Solar says with a wink, and Jaebum is about to dismiss her and get some more sleep when he sees the usual hint of determination in her smiling eyes, and Jaebum knows a losing fight when he sees one.

 

Not an hour later, Jaebum sees himself taking the flight of stairs up the rooftop bar that’s very much familiar to him. He had been at the same rooftop bar last year, and the years before that. As a bouncer pushes the door open and welcomes them in, Jaebum sees familiar faces that nod in his direction. Solar’s friend Moonbyul and Solar go to greet some friends, and Jaebum heads straight to the bar.

 

“Thought I’d never see my favorite man,” Junho, the bartender, says as he wipes some glasses. “Do you want someone to go with your drink? Probably someone tall and dark? Or you want someone bright and jolly for today?” he asks, tone full of mirth, and Jaebum shakes his head as he asks for a martini instead, his mind reeling to a forbidden direction.

 

Keeping himself busy did nothing to erase Jinyoung off his mind, and Jaebum ponders three martinis later, if keeping himself drunk could be a solution. Jaebum dreams of Jinyoung at night, in different scenarios and times, and thinks about the younger endlessly during the day. He thinks of Jinyoung and his plush lips against his cheek, his lithe body against his own. Jaebum thinks of Jinyoung’s barely-there dimples, of his eye wrinkles and adorably scrunched up nose. Jaebum thinks of the warmth of Jinyoung hands, and of the feel of Jaebum’s palm at the small of the younger’s back. He thinks of the soft giggles and murmurs and Jaebum feels utterly brainsick.

 

“You know where to find the bathroom.” Jaebum turns to Junho as he hears him speak again, his eyes dancing with something like mischief. Jaebum can’t really comprehend properly after taking his fifth drink so he just frowns in question. “You look constipated. Or about to vomit,” the bartender explains with a loud laugh, before dismissing Jaebum to serve another customer.

 

Jaebum doesn’t drink too much because he dislikes feeling so inebriated and unaware of his surroundings. Five martinis might have been too much, and Jaebum proves himself correct as turns to lean against the bar counter to roam his eyes around, gazing at the growing number of people, and he sees an achingly familiar back on a table near the corner.

 

If the Jinyoung he is currently seeing now is a product of his obsessed imagination and drunken hallucination, Jaebum could do nothing to tend to his ridiculousness. Feeling utterly foolish, he turns back to Junho to ask for a harder drink, takes it in one shot, and slumps his head on the table.

 

As Jaebum closes his eyes, he sees the familiar back again. Instead of his usually long-sleeved shirts and sweaters, the man is now clad in a similar tank top, his arms not exactly muscular, but not to be called thin, either. Jaebum drowns deeper in his thoughts, and an even more vivid image of said man he thinks is Jinyoung appears on his head, his milky white skin exposed for everyone and anyone to see.

 

Jinyoung had mentioned about how he feels insecure with his shoulders, but as Jaebum lifts his head up to get a final, lingering look at the man from afar, he realizes he needs not be insecure. His shoulders may be not as wide as Jaebum’s, but they still look dependable, reliable, and Jaebum wants to throw himself at Jinyoung. _If_ said man is Jinyoung.

 

Dismissing his thoughts of the younger, Jaebum decides to get out of the bar. With his eyes still boring holes at the intriguing man, Jaebum stands up, slurring a little. He starts to move his feet towards Moonbyul and Solar’s table to bid the girls goodbye, and as he moves around, he sees the stranger’s shoulders tense amidst of all his little gestures as he talks to yet another man who looks captivated, and Jaebum himself feels edgy.

 

He cuts his steps short after confirming that it was indeed Jinyoung, the familiar sight of him causing yet another flood of painful longing flash through him, and he finds himself running out of the door.

 

\--

 

Solar is quick to catch up on the internal dilemma that Jaebum is going through. She asks Jaebum nothing, but her gazes let him know that she knows, and she’s not letting him get away with it. Probably the exact reason why Jaebum finds her after waking up the next day on his bed, eyes stern and intent on him.

 

“Until you clean your mess, you’re not getting anywhere near the café,” she says, and Jaebum frowns at her.

 

“I never did anything wrong.”

 

“I know, but things are getting worse in your head and everyone can feel the dark aura emanating from you. The last thing I want my customers to see is a frowning server with a constipated scowl.”

 

“I’m not—“ Jaebum wants to defend himself, so he opens his mouth to do so, but Solar already has her palm straight on his mouth. The rest of his argument sounded like _fshgkagfdkalacnsldj_.

 

“I heard Sungjin-oppa and his friends are going to perform at that library bar we both love. I bet he’d be so stoked to see you looking miserable,” Solar says, her eyes sparkling and mouth curved up in a grin. Solar is every definition of beautiful, except Jaebum could only wish her mind is as angelic as she looks.

 

Clearly having no choice because apparently being banned in a café that he technically owns is allowed now, Jaebum spends the rest of the day in bed, trying and failing miserably to keep his mind free of thoughts of Jinyoung. By eight pm, he hears the loud banging of the wooden door from below, a telltale sign that Solar has arrived in the house.

 

By 9:30 pm, Jaebum is already at the lobby of the hotel where the library bar is, Solar literally kicking his ass in an obvious effort to get him going. Hadn’t she said that the performances would start at ten pm, Jaebum would have spent the rest of the evening wrestling with Solar to death.

 

It’s almost midnight when the performances wound down. Jaebum has seen how Sungjin and his friends captivated and took the attention of everyone, all eyes staring at them. Their band is appealing to all senses, and their music made the atmosphere of the bar more relaxing. Jaebum is seated at a table near the far-end of the bar, but Sungjin meets his gaze and he waves. Though, unsurprisingly, Jaehyung starts jumping up and down when he sees him. Jaebum finds himself getting dragged to the make-shift stage by Jaehyung.

 

Talk is desultory, but Jaebum finds himself smiling at his friends genuinely. It’s comfortable and relaxing, having them all around, until Wonpil excuses himself to meet a friend—a friend that almost has Jaebum dying on the spot when Wonpil comes back with him in tow.

 

“Everyone, meet Jinyoungie! Jinyoung-ah, these are the rowdy friends I talk to you about,” Wonpil says, introducing each one to Jinyoung, but Jaebum tunes himself out of the introductions because _holy shit_ , Jinyoung is indeed in Jeju.

 

Jaebum wonders for a fleeting moment if his imaginations and hallucinations are strong enough to actually teleport Jinyoung from Seoul to Jeju.

 

“It’s his first time here in Jeju, so let’s all be good and treat him a nice meal, shall we?” Wonpil says, hands wrapped around Jinyoung. Jaebum nods blankly, and he’s thankful that Sungjin pulls him gently before he has to meet Jinyoung’s own scrutinizing eyes.

 

It’s a thought that Jaebum had had before, and it demands to be refrained because it still holds true: _ignoring Jinyoung is the most ignorant thing that Jaebum has ever done in his entire life._ Especially now, as they enter the three-star restaurant in the hotel that they all decided to eat on, that as soon as he unwillingly takes the seat beside Jinyoung that the younger reflexively took off—like it was a practiced reaction as to when Jaebum appears.

 

“Maybe Sungjin-hyung wants to sit with his friend,” he says as he nonchalantly offers his seat, as if saying Jaebum’s name would burn his tongue.

 

\--

 

It’s too overwhelming to say that meeting Jinyoung in Jeju is just an accident.

 

The first time is acceptable—the rooftop bar that Jaebum went to with Solar and Moonbyul is famous even for Korean locals, and anyone on vacation would totally check out the lavish bar at downtown Jeju.

 

But meeting Jinyoung through a friend that both he and Solar has is beyond accidental. At first, Jaebum didn’t suspect—the boys are always rough and loud and cocky. But when Jaehyung and Younghyun openly pushed Jaebum to walk Jinyoung home because Solar’s house is just a few minutes away from where Jinyoung is staying, Jaebum is itching to go home and strangle Solar for putting half of his body six feet below. If it weren’t for Jinyoung asking Wonpil if he could stay the night because he wanted to catch up, Jaebum could’ve killed himself right there and then.

 

It’s the first thing Jaebum tells Solar the next day.

 

“I thought you were too distracted to notice,” is her nonchalant reply, and Jaebum stands up and towers Solar from her spot on the couch. Solar crosses her arms in her chest in a protective manner. “Don’t blame me. I won’t do anything if you are doing _something_.”

 

“You could’ve at least told me.”

 

“Catching you off-guard is the best offense,” Solar replies cheekily, and Jaebum wants to throw the plasma TV to her body. “I thought Myungsoo told you to clean your mess. So why did you run away instead?”

 

Jaebum’s stance falters at Solar’s comment, and the latter takes the opportunity to stand up and push Jaebum to a sitting position instead. Now towering over him, Solar presses a hot stare, her left foot resting heavily on Jaebum’s thigh.

 

“If you’re here to set your mind free, it’s obviously a mission impossible. Go and get your man, asshole. The only person who could fix the havoc inside you is the person who wreaked it.” Jaebum stays frozen at his spot and just stares at Solar, to which she just has to comment, “I know, I’m amazing. That’s why…,” she trails, leaving the living room for a while to fetch something from her room. When she returns, on her hand is a paper bag of designer clothes. Jaebum frowns. “Now, you’re not gonna show up at a sumptuous bar wearing tank top and trousers, are you?”

 

Solar’s parting wink is so saucy that Jaebum knows he’s in for a deep shit.

 

“Third time’s the charm!” she yells from outside.

 

\--

 

As soon as Jaebum enters the glass bar inside a grand hotel resort, he immediately finds himself a seat at the table along a glass wall with the panoramic view of the vast verdant field and palm trees bordering the entire place. It’s a little past four pm, and the sun is blindingly shining above, its presence a great accentuation to the bright blue blanket of the sky.

 

Jaebum sips at the cocktail in front of him, and the summer breeze blows as he does so, whispering sweet nothings to the trees and making them sway. Jaebum makes a small smile at the graceful dance of the tall trees. Taking in the summer air, Jaebum roams his eyes around, and suddenly he feels like stopping drinking anymore and just photograph the entire thing—the varying aqua shades of the pool water, the dark of the trees, and the radiant reds and purples of the blossoming flowers.

 

Amidst the beautiful feast to his senses that the resort-bar has to offer, Jaebum’s eyes focuses on that one thing that brought him at that spot in a glass bar he has never been into in the past years, kept his mind busy, kept his mind away from photography because apparently, some views can never be given justice by any camera lens. Jinyoung, clad in a tight-fitting, drool-worthy ripped jeans and white shirt, is standing by the edge of the outside pool in all his glory wearing a drink as dark red as his lips. Jaebum half-smiles, half-snorts seeing him, wanting to take his eyes away from the man who’s currently making Jinyoung smile and just keep the younger to himself.

 

Jinyoung has never failed to ignore and shut Jaebum down in their previous meetings in Jeju, and even though Solar cheered him with a jolly _third time’s the charm!,_ Jaebum can’t still decipher how to make the first move. And actually, he’s clueless of what first move to do.

 

Jaebum takes the rest of his drink in one shot.

 

By 6:30 pm, Jaebum hates himself for still being sober. He hates how he can clearly see other guys and girls trailing behind Jinyoung, trying and fortunately failing in groping Jinyoung’s ass, and grinding with him on the dance area. Jaebum sees with sober eyes how Jinyoung returns the seductive smiles but refuses to be pulled to a private area, how Jinyoung grinds and flirts back with the same fervor but refuses to be kissed, and how Jinyoung rejects even the best-looking ones but still takes cocktails nevertheless. Jaebum is surprised that Jinyoung still doesn’t look and move like a wasted drunk.

 

The night goes on like that, with Jaebum watching Jinyoung with hawk eyes, alert and ready to stand up and start a ruckus if Jinyoung gets hurt or feels violated. If Jinyoung knows Jaebum is watching, Jaebum doesn’t care. But Jinyoung surely avoids looking in the general direction of Jaebum. Well, he can live with that. As long as Jinyoung won’t call for security for being stalked and watched like a prey.

 

It’s a little past nine pm when Jaebum feels oddly threatened.

 

During the past hours, Jaebum had seen the best of guys in the area almost ripping Jinyoung off of his clothes with how they look at the younger. But no one is bold enough to actually attempt to touch Jinyoung beneath his clothes. Until this one guy, dressed in what Jaebum knows is too pricey for his liking, dares. He’s watching Jinyoung so intently that he sees how the man snaked his arms around Jinyoung and slip his hand inside his shirt, touching Jinyoung’s torso. Jaebum feels his blood boil when Jinyoung tilts his head and offers a smile.

 

Jinyoung didn’t scream in violation like how Jaebum internally did, so he just calms himself and tries not to feel so angered. But Jaebum hasn’t touched Jinyoung in weeks, hasn’t felt his warmth and his hands and his lips, so even when Jinyoung smiles flirtatiously back on the undeniably attractive man currently wrapped around him, Jaebum stands up from his seat and walks towards him.

 

Jaebum makes a mental note to stop acting like a possessive boyfriend.

“Baby,” Jaebum whispers right into Jinyoung’s ears in a low voice as he unwraps the stranger’s arms from him, and he smiles triumphantly at the effect it has on Jinyoung. Jaebum feels the younger man shudder in his touch.

 

Jinyoung gives no verbal response, and Jaebum feels the stranger’s gaze on him. He turns around, hands still wrapped territorially around Jinyoung, and gives the man a dismissing, bored stare. The stranger shrugs, and now left alone with Jinyoung, Jaebum finds himself at a loss for what to do.

 

“Let go,” Jinyoung says moments later that has him panicking, and Jaebum almost shakes at his ice-cold voice, so unusual of his always warm and welcoming Jinyoung. Jaebum sighs and meets Jinyoung’s eyes.

 

Jinyoung’s eyes are staring right through him, and beneath the rejection that Jinyoung wants to send in Jaebum’s way, he sees that usual fondness in them. The warmth, the silent embrace, the longing. Jinyoung is half-turned away from Jaebum, so he turns him around so he’s fully facing him, and as Jaebum’s hands slide lower and envelop Jinyoung’s hands, he sees the ice melt right in front of him, baring that mysterious gaze again that has Jaebum drowning, suffocating every time.

 

With his hands holding Jinyoung’s, Jaebum feels the music fade away with the rest of the world, and it’s just him and Jinyoung standing and staring at each other in the middle of the bar. With Jinyoung around, Jaebum feels the entire world vanish into nothing, and his senses only feel Jinyoung—his scent, his warmth, his beauty.

 

Jinyoung pulls his hand away from Jaebum’s, effectively pulling him from his reverie as well. The entire world comes back that moment, the temporary solitude with the younger gone, but they eventually goes back into nothingness when Jinyoung lifts his hand up Jaebum’s cheek, sending sparks inside his body, leaving his nerve-endings unstable.

 

With his eyes sporting that same mysterious gaze, Jinyoung’s hand travels lower, caressing Jaebum’s jaw and neck. Jaebum shudders visibly when Jinyoung runs his hand on his Adam’s apple, and Jaebum is sure that Jinyoung feels it when he gulps the lump in his throat. Jaebum stays immobile and waiting, letting Jinyoung set his own pace, but his patience almost snaps when Jinyoung’s hand stops its journey, just grabbing and holding onto the V-cut of Jaebum’s body-fit black shirt, effectively pulling Jaebum closer to the edge, almost falling to the trap.

 

What got Jaebum’s mind reeling and patience nearly snapping seconds later is Jinyoung’s other hand travelling beneath Jaebum’s shirt, drawing small circles on Jaebum’s sweaty back. Jaebum gulps again, harder and more audibly this time, and it takes him all his willpower not to do Jinyoung any harm right at that moment.

 

Jaebum licks his thin lips. Jinyoung follows the motion of his tongue. “I don’t—“ Jaebum starts, but his words leave him and be bites his lip. He tries again, “Please, don’t torment me.”

 

But Jinyoung is probably testing his patience because he daringly moves his hand again, gently and lightly that Jaebum thinks his touches are just pigments of his imagination, and caresses his torso, his eyes dancing with a mix of mirth and mischief at Jaebum’s torture, and it’s then that all hell breaks loose.

 

Jaebum dives down, and he sees how Jinyoung’s abused lips from over-biting open in anticipation, and he hesitates at that millisecond when he’s only a breath away. Jinyoung looks at him under his lashes, eyes filled with something like desire, and Jaebum just stares back. He wants Jinyoung in all ways he could take the younger, but Jaebum is afraid. Afraid of breaking Jinyoung and has him shattering into tiny, broken, unfixable pieces.

 

Jinyoung must have seen through Jaebum’s eyes because suddenly, all the rejection and coldness from his eyes melts away, and there’s only understanding in them as he lifts his hands and grazes Jaebum’s jaw with a feathery touch, his gaze so intense and gentle at the same time that Jaebum thinks he feels a physical touch.

 

“I won’t break,” is the only thing Jinyoung says before he shifts and meets Jaebum’s lips, which involuntarily opens the moment he feels Jinyoung lick his way inside.

 

It’s filthy and lewd, their first kiss together. Jinyoung tastes like alcohol and smells a combination of perfumes—probably from all the people who went to talk and dance with him. It’s full of tongue and teeth, and Jaebum flinches when Jinyoung bites his lip, but he says nothing and continues returning the wanton kiss with fervor.

 

Jaebum kisses with lust and desire and passion, and so is Jinyoung, who surprises Jaebum with every lick and bite, taking Jaebum off-guard and breathless. Jaebum is in no way drunk, but his mouth goes lax and passive, letting Jinyoung get his way with him.

 

Jaebum moves his hands and caresses Jinyoung’s sides until he lets them rest on the younger’s hips, pulling him closer until it’s only the fabric of their clothes between them. Jinyoung’s hands moves too, going from his jaw and shoulder to his belt loops, and Jaebum breathlessly pulls away when Jinyoung rubs against him sultrily.

 

“Let’s – Let’s get out of here,” Jaebum murmurs with difficulty, and he almost loses his focus when Jinyoung groans a guttural moan.

 

\--

 

From the pale blue shade when Jaebum just got inside the hotel-resort, the sky is now a beautiful shade of dark navy, the stars scattered across the vast blanket atop them. The moon is a crescent shape, and Jaebum is immediately reminded of the same man walking in front of him, too far for Jaebum’s liking, but he says no complaints and just tails behind, his eyes intent on Jinyoung slurring ahead of him, his hands swaying on his sides like a kid’s.

 

When Jaebum asked Jinyoung to get out of the bar, he meant to bring Jinyoung home. To where Jinyoung is staying, not in Jaebum’s place. Jaebum doesn’t want to do anything Jinyoung might regret when he’s sober, and he’d rather prevent contact until then, than torture himself and watch Jinyoung sleep innocently.

 

Though, thirty minutes later after they exit the hotel that Jaebum notices they are not taking the road back to Jinyoung’s place. He doesn’t know where his place exactly is, but they’re taking the road away from the residential part of town and into the rockier parts of the island.

 

Jaebum runs to catch up to Jinyoung, and holds his elbow to get him to stop. At the contact, Jinyoung frowns, and Jaebum is quick to take his hands back as if violently rejected.

 

“Uhm… where are we off to?”

 

“You can go now if you want,” Jinyoung dismisses, then with a vague sweep of his hand, “I don’t want to go home yet. I’m – I’ll just… I don’t know, just walk around, I guess.” Jaebum is about to ask if his presence is okay, but Jinyoung already has his back on him so he just follows his lead with sagged shoulders.

 

A few minutes more and Jinyoung starts taking the path off the cemented road and into the large rocks, attempting to walk across them and into the beach. Jaebum follows close behind, in case Jinyoung’s legs fail him.

 

And it happens: Jinyoung slips on a rock and almost has his head hitting a larger one. Jaebum’s heart picks up speed as he quickly gets to Jinyoung, who surprisingly doesn’t swat Jaebum’s hands away. As Jinyoung regains composure, Jaebum is glad that instead of pulling away, Jinyoung holds onto his arms tightly.

 

After a few slips and almost-accidents, the two of them reaches the sandy part of the beach, and Jaebum catches his breath at the picturesque scene in front of him—the crescent moon beautifully shining above and it’s equally endearing sparkly reflection on the dark water, and the twinkling stars that seem to double in number when viewed from the sea. Jaebum takes in the view and for a moment, he regrets not bringing his camera with him. But as he feels the figure beside him melt against his body with a sigh, Jaebum forgets all thoughts and focuses on now, and he’s blissful that he gets to see the unadulterated beauty of the sea with an equally stunning person.

 

“Beautiful,” Jinyoung whispers in awe.

 

Jaebum tightens his hold on Jinyoung’s waist. “And so are you.”

 

\--

 

“Let’s do Twenty Questions,” Jinyoung says almost an hour later. He’s probably tired from playing with himself by the beach, silently doodling characters on the sand and picking up seashells that appeals to him.

 

They don’t really need to play a game if Jinyoung wants to ask Jaebum anything, but he says _sure_ nevertheless, because Jaebum is starting to find himself creepy just watching Jinyoung in silence. Though he’s surely not bored, because he finds it amusing how Jinyoung can entertain himself.

 

“Honesty plays a big role in this game, so… I just want truths,” Jinyoung says as he walks towards Jaebum, little pieces of seashells and stones in his hands.

 

Jaebum watches as Jinyoung lays down carefully the things he collected and sits down, his hands now empty and rubbing his bare arms. He folds his legs and presses them together, and Jaebum sees Jinyoung shiver when he goes to hug his knees and rest his chin atop them. It’s summer, but the sea breeze is chilly and Jinyoung is obviously affected.

 

Jaebum opens his arms. “It’s warmer here,” he says sincerely, and he chuckles when Jinyoung rolls his eyes at him, but moves to take his place inside Jaebum’s embrace. Once settled, Jinyoung tells Jaebum that he’s starting.

 

**_Why did you run away and disappear?_ **

****

Okay, so Jaebum has realized Jinyoung would ask _this_ , but not this early in the game. “I – I got scared,” Jaebum admits, and he feels Jinyoung stiffen in his hold. Jaebum swallows before saying, “I don’t get hold of things – people – I can’t take care of. I got scared that you are too fragile for me to take.” Jinyoung nods, and Jaebum is glad that Jinyoung did not turn to look at him because he doesn’t think he’s ready yet to show how he got so scared when he saw Jinyoung looking so vulnerable at that hospital bed.

 

**_Did you miss me?_ **

****

Jaebum feels utterly ashamed of his first question, but he doesn’t take it back.

 

“I did. I missed you,” Jinyoung replies, and Jaebum hopes he’s not holding Jinyoung too close for him to feel his erratically beating heart.

 

**_What did you do while you were gone?_ **

****

This time, Jinyoung looks up at Jaebum and he smiles down at the curiosity in his eyes. “I finished my film project. I did my requirements and it was hell, I hope I had you with me.” Jinyoung is too late to turn his head back away because Jaebum already catches his blush.

 

**_So, what did you do while I was gone?_ **

****

“Hmm,” Jinyoung starts, and Jaebum can imagine him frowning as he recalls the past month. “I stopped myself from contacting you—“

 

**_Why?_ **

****

“That would count as a question,” Jinyoung says, and Jaebum just nods and nudges him to go on with his answer. “Well, the first days, I was kind of whining to my friends. Jackson said you might be busy, so I just let a few days slide. But then I didn’t hear from you for a week, and I was starting to think you already lost interest, so I spent the rest of the month trying to move on with my life and keep going.”

 

“I’m sorry,” Jaebum says, tucking his head at the crook of Jinyoung’s neck. “I shouldn’t have shut you off like that.” _Please don’t move on from me_ , he wants to add, but he shuts his trap in time.

 

“Hey, it’s okay,” Jinyoung says, tugging Jaebum’s fingers, “I guess. But it’s in the past already, and there’s no use crying over spilt milk.”

 

**_Are you dating someone right now?_ **

****

**_Are we?_ **

****

When Jaebum replied Jinyoung’s query with another question, Jinyoung turns his entire body abruptly, and Jaebum is almost worried that Jinyoung got a whiplash.

 

“Yah!” Jinyoung says, and even in the dark, Jaebum can make out the pink tint of Jinyoung’s cheeks. Jaebum shrugs. “You can’t answer my question with another question,” Jinyoung says with a pout.

 

“Fine,” Jaebum says, “to answer your question: I’m not. I wouldn’t do such effort of driving from Gwangju to Seoul every Thursday to see you if I’m already dating someone.” Jinyoung hums in satisfaction, and Jaebum shakes his head at him.

 

“Okay, but I’m not going to answer your question,” Jinyoung says with a huff.

 

“Fine by me,” Jaebum chuckles, before he asks his question.

 

**_Why do you doubt that I’m single?_ **

****

“Well – I don’t know, actually. I guess you’re just too attractive to be unattached?” Jinyoung says. Jaebum doesn’t say anything because he knows Jinyoung has more to say. With difficulty, Jinyoung continues, “And you strike me as the casanova type so, there.”

 

**_You’re not seeing anyone now, are you?_ **

****

“I’m not,” Jinyoung says, and Jaebum heaves a sigh of relief.

 

**_Have you ever been in love?_ **

****

Jaebum snorts at Jinyoung’s question.

 

“Yah! I can ask anything!”

 

“I didn’t say you can’t,” Jaebum says, and even though he can’t see the younger, he knows his lower lip is jutted out. Jaebum can’t help but chuckle in adoration.

 

**_You mean, before you?_ **

****

“You can’t ask until you answered!”

 

“But you did it earlier.”

 

“Because I am privileged!”

 

Jaebum cackles. “Fine, fine. I’m going to answer.” Jaebum clears his throat before he speaks, “I haven’t, yet. Love is a commitment, you see, and I have a different view about commitments. Not that I’m against it, but more like I’m scared of it. Scared that I might mess around and lose someone special. So until I deem myself ready, maybe then.”

 

**_How would you know if you’re ready to commit?_ **

****

“I don’t know. I just knew it when I met you.” Jaebum is thankful that Jinyoung can’t see him because he’s sure as hell that Jinyoung won’t let him live down the crimson blush of his cheeks.

 

**_But you said I’m too fragile for you. You’d dare handle me?_ **

****

“I’ve already felt how it feels like without you, and it’s not a feeling I fancy.”

 

It’s Jinyoung’s turn to snort. “But you’ll lose me one way or another. In case you’ve forgotten, I’m dying.”

 

“You won’t die,” Jaebum says, holding onto Jinyoung tightly, afraid that he might slip away if he lets loose. “You’ll stay with me.”

 

Jaebum doesn’t want to deal too much on Jinyoung’s sickness because he wants to keep his mind off it so he proceeds on asking another question.

 

**_Have you ever been in love, Jinyoungie?_ **

****

Jinyoung laughs loudly. “Your questions are so unoriginal.”

 

“Hey, I just want to know too.”

 

Jinyoung plays with Jaebum’s fingers as he speaks softly, “I… honestly don’t know how love feels like? I mean, you see, my heart can only handle just as much. I can’t feel intense emotions, I can’t be too happy or too sad, so it’s risky. My friends have made it a point to shoo away the guys that I might find… interesting.”

 

**_Is that why I never met any of them?_ **

****

“But you’ve met Jackson.”

 

“I just _saw_ him.”

 

Jinyoung sighs. “Well, yes.” A beat later, Jinyoung adds, “But I haven’t met your friends either, so I guess we’re even.”

 

“You’ve already seen Myungsoo,” Jaebum reminds him, and the memories from that night of misinterpretation flood through him.

 

**_Did you get jealous with Myungsoo?_ **

****

Jinyoung gulps audibly. Jaebum maneuvers Jinyoung in a way where he’s still hugging him, but he can see more of Jinyoung’s face at the new position. Jaebum wants to see every blush and flinch and eye rolls.

 

“I did,” Jinyoung says matter-of-factly.

 

Jaebum is so overwhelmed of Jinyoung’s reply that he teases Jinyoung to divert the attention away from his flaring cheeks, “I didn’t know you were the jealous type.”

 

“Now you know,” Jinyoung says with a huff.

 

**_You’ve never fooled around with Myungsoo?_ **

****

“Hell, no!” Jaebum’s answer is quick. “Myungsoo is like a brother I wished I never had, and I’m going to introduce you to him and his girlfriend so you’d know he isn’t someone I’d mess around with.”

 

**_How many people have you ever had… a thing with… before me?_ **

****

“You mean, how many people I’ve had sex with?”

 

“Well.” Jinyoung shrugs before he nods.

 

“To be honest, I’ve lost count. That’s what I did ever since I started college. I go around and barhop and pick up girls and guys to spend the night with. I make out with different people at different parties. It’s not something I’m proud of, but there are days where I get more asses than a dorm’s communal restroom bowl.” As Jaebum speaks, he sees Jinyoung flinch, but he holds onto the younger’s hands and squeezes them. “But that’s before I met you. After you, I was so busy pulling the next Thursday so it’d come quickly that I don’t even have the time to pick up quick fucks.”

 

**_So you’ve never had sex ever since we’ve met?_ **

****

“Well,” Jaebum starts, but Jinyoung is quick to see through his attempt at stalling and lying so Jaebum just drops it and says as he hangs his head low, “Not while I’m seeing you.”

 

Jinyoung pulls away one of his hands to lift Jaebum’s chin up. As Jaebum stares at them, he sees no judgment—that Jinyoung is asking because he wants to know and not to put Jaebum to shame. “I understand.”

 

“Ten people,” Jaebum says, remembering how Myungsoo counted all the people Jaebum called for a quick fuck. When Jinyoung’s eyes widens like saucers, Jaebum is quick to add, “Not that I’m counting! It was Myungsoo.”

 

Jinyoung laughs, patting Jaebum’s cheek before giving it a quick peck. “Myungsoo sounds like an amazing person.”

 

“Please, no.” They both laugh in unison.

 

**_Can you tell me about your other friends besides Myungsoo?_ **

****

“I don’t have many friends. I just have my Film major friends, and Solar, the most annoying girl in the planet,” Jaebum says, and he sees Jinyoung scrunch up his nose at the mention of an unfamiliar name. “The rest of the people I talk to are just people I know—acquaintances. I’m picky with friends, but I don’t choose the people I work with since I have to build connections.”

 

Amidst the smile that Jinyoung offers alongside an understanding nod, there’s a silent question underlying in Jinyoung’s dark brown eyes, but Jaebum stays silent and decides to just cross the bridge when he gets there.

 

**_Why did you pursue Film?_ **

****

“Because I like putting words into life. I love seeing people’s faces reek of emotions. I love pulling out emotions from audiences that they never thought they have. I’ve met amazing scriptwriters and have read beautiful scripts, and I dream of giving them justice in time.”

 

**_Why Literature?_ **

****

Jinyoung laughs heartily. “I actually want to be a pediatrician, but I don’t think I’d last long enough to finish it so I went with my second passion—reading. It’s amazing, because I can go and feel rollercoaster of emotions without hyperventilating.” Jinyoung’s laugh that followed his answer is much, much more beautiful than the sparkling night sea.

 

**_Why do you always say you’re dying?_ **

****

It’s unfair, how Jinyoung’s sickness robbed him of his dream.

 

“Because I am,” Jinyoung says nonchalantly. “I’ve lived a happy life, and I’d die happy even if God takes my life right here, right now.”

 

At the words, Jaebum’s arms immediately wrap around Jinyoung protectively, as if doing so would prevent Jinyoung’s death. “Don’t you dare die on me now.”

 

**_Why do you want me to live?_ **

****

“I want to get to know you better. I want to see you when you read your books and do your related literature reviews and when you cook food and when you just woke up in the morning, stale morning breaths and all,” Jaebum says fondly, caressing Jinyoung’s skin, feeling the younger’s warmth against his body. “In simple terms, because I want to spend more time with you.”

 

“I don’t cook, though,” Jinyoung replies, his eyes dancing with amusement.

 

Jaebum frowns.

 

**_But you work on your family’s diner, don’t you?_ **

****

Jinyoung’s grin when he slightly pulls away from Jaebum’s embrace is so impish. “I do, but I only wash the dishes and wipe the tables. Nobody lets me inside the kitchen.”

 

“Wow,” is the only thing Jaebum could utter.

 

“Hey, don’t judge me!” Jaebum isn’t exactly judging Jinyoung per se, but his laugh fails to serve as his defense and they end up rolling on the sandy coast when he tries and tries and tries to dodge Jinyoung’s hits on his body.

 

It takes them a few good minutes of dusting off the sand from their bodies and for the laughter to die down, and Jaebum is very much grateful that the snobbish façade Jinyoung has when he first saw him at the bar is long gone, and back is his sweet and warm Jinyoungie—just, slightly drunk.

 

**_Who’s your first kiss?_ **

****

They’re now walking hand in hand, taking the path further away from the civilization. Jinyoung has his shoes on his hands, feeling the coolness of the water and so is Jaebum, after Jinyoung spent full three minutes insisting that the water feels good.

 

The seashore is a smooth, sandy land, with no rocks or shells in view, but upon hearing his question, Jinyoung trips on his toes. Jaebum catches him in time before he laughs loudly, which gains him a fine pinch on his arms.

 

“…You.”

 

**_What? Me?_ **

****

To say Jaebum is surprised is an understatement.

 

“Well, yeah. Most of my life, I’ve been surrounded by friends who doesn’t allow me to get romantically involved with anyone so… yeah,” Jinyoung mutters so softly that Jaebum won’t catch if he wasn’t listening closely.

 

**_But… shit. How did you learn to kiss like…_ ** **that _?_**

****

**_Like what?_ **

****

Jaebum can’t find the words to explain how he felt about Jinyoung’s kiss without sounding too smitten or turned on, so he grunts at a loss of description. When he looks down at Jinyoung who already stopped walking to watch Jaebum, there’s still the innocent curiosity in his eyes, and Jaebum wants to bury himself alive.

 

“I don’t know how to explain it, but I wouldn’t guess that was your first.” Jaebum’s mind immediately travels back to Jinyoung’s velvety tongue and aggressive mouth, and it’s a far cry to how he imagined Jinyoung’s first kiss would be—sweet and soft and gentle. Their first kiss was anything but.

 

Jinyoung’s blush is prominent in his pretty face. “I… don’t know too. I just – I just felt like doing what my instincts told me.”

 

“Like eat me alive?”

 

“Hey, I did not!”

 

“Or bite off my lips?”

 

Jinyoung looks like he wants to throw himself on the deepest depth of the ocean in shame. Jaebum takes pity on him and wraps his arms around Jinyoung, who nuzzles his nose under Jaebum’s jaw. “I’m sorry for biting you too much. I just – I was just so torn between killing you and kissing you and I ended up abusing your lips instead.”

 

Jaebum stifles his loud laugh, but it’s too much to hold so a few chuckles slip. “I didn’t peg you as the aggressive type, Jinyoungie.”

 

“Shut up,” Jinyoung says, though Jaebum’s skin muffles his retort.

 

**_Were you mad at me? Because I just disappeared?_ **

****

Jaebum feels Jinyoung’s hug tighten before he answers. “I wasn’t. More than being mad, I think I’m very much hurt.” There’s a long pause, before Jinyoung finds the courage after three squeezes on Jaebum’s waist. “I thought… I thought were going somewhere, you know. I thought what we had was beautiful, was something that would last. I don’t need labels to be happy with you, because your existence enough is a cause of bliss already. But then…” Jaebum quickly pushes Jinyoung away to examine him when he feels him hiccup in his hug. True enough, Jinyoung’s eyes are glassy, a lump of hot tears at the corner of his eye. “But then you were gone without a word and I felt like I was dumped, even though we weren’t actually a thing.” Jinyoung tries to offer a chuckle, but he seems to be in so much pain that Jaebum finds himself hugging Jinyoung again in an attempt to lessen it. “Before _us_ even happened, you lost interest already.”

 

Jaebum lets Jinyoung sob in his shoulders, before he guides him to a breathing exercise that would reduce the speed of his heart beat from hiccupping. Jinyoung inhales and exhales every time Jaebum does so, and in minutes, he’s breathing properly again. Jaebum sighs in relief, and then he’s pushing Jinyoung away again to look him in the eyes. Jinyoung’s eyes are puffy and red and still wet with tears, and his nose is scrunched up and red as well, but he’s never less beautiful.

 

Brushing up Jinyoung’s fringes away from his eyes, Jaebum leans down and presses their foreheads together. “Jinyoungie…,” he coos, and Jinyoung looks up at him, his brown eyes full of emotions that have Jaebum breathless, suffocating and drowning helplessly. “There’s no way I’d lose interest.”

 

Whatever reply Jinyoung would say is swallowed down by Jaebum’s lips. It’s a quick smack, no teeth and tongue, but a sweet seal to the vow of Jaebum’s promise of a lifetime interest in Jinyoung.

 

“Jaebummie,” Jinyoung pants in Jaebum’s lips. Jaebum hums, and Jinyoung continues, “Please don’t leave me again.”

 

“I won’t.” Jinyoung’s reply smile is the most beautiful Jaebum has seen so far.

 

The two of them just continues strolling along the beach hand in hand as they reach the residential area on the opposite side of the city, but then it takes Jaebum by surprise when Jinyoung suddenly pulls away and runs. Jaebum runs quickly and follows, but his heart almost melts when he sees Jinyoung squat in front of a group of kids, playing around and laughing.

 

Soon enough, Jinyoung is already a part of the group, playing and rolling on the sand with the kids, carrying the smaller ones, and telling them interesting Seoul stories that the kids find amusing. Jaebum is content on just watching them, especially Jinyoung whom he sees blushes furiously when a kid asked him if he’s old enough to get drunk, because _Jinyoungie looks like a kid but you stink of alcohol!_

Jaebum has seen Jinyoung play with Nora a handful of times already, but seeing him play with kids brought out the inner three-year-old-Jinyoung in him, his eyes wrinkling beautiful at whatever the kids tell him, and Jaebum finds himself falling deeper than ever.

 

A little more than half an hour later and Jinyoung bids the kids good bye, with a short sermon of _don’t stay out too late and sleep now!_ After seeing them run away to their homes one by one, Jinyoung smiles at them before throwing himself at Jaebum.

 

“I can’t believe we reached the other end of the coast by walking,” Jinyoung remarks as they start walking again, his hands wrapped around Jaebum’s waist. It’s hard to walk with Jinyoung clinging to him like this, but as long as Jinyoung’s with him and Jaebum feels his warmth, he can spend the rest of his life walking.

 

“It helped you sober up,” Jaebum teases, and Jinyoung sneers at him so he quickly takes it back. “I guess we should go home.”

 

“Yes, let’s.” Jinyoung says, and as they walk towards the cemented road for an easier journey, Jinyoung stops and looks at Jaebum with bright, puppy eyes. Jaebum groans.

 

**_Would you carry me if I ask you to?_ **

****

“Park Jinyoung.”

 

“Please, Jaebummie.” When Jaebum bends down in front of Jinyoung to give him a piggyback ride, Jinyoung squeals in delight and Jaebum doesn’t regret his decision a bit. Back pains be damned.

 

Half-way home, Jinyoung is quiet atop Jaebum, except for the random nothings that he whispers on Jaebum’s ears. _The sea looks so beautiful. The sky is so bright. Ah, so many stars! The moon is hiding behind the clouds. Summer here is so, so pretty._ Jaebum, despite the weight atop him, is smiling profusely.

 

**_Do you want to have kids?_ **

****

Jaebum is surprised at the sudden query, but he answers anyway. “I do. A daughter.”

 

“That would mean you want a wife,” Jinyoung says, his mouth ghosting at Jaebum’s nape.

 

“Or we could adopt.”

 

Jinyoung doesn’t reply, but he turns his head to face Jaebum and the proximity is so overwhelming, it almost takes all of Jaebum’s focus away.

 

**_We?_ **

****

“We,” Jaebum repeats, and the flush that Jinyoung’s cheeks have become makes Jaebum grin.

 

**_Do you cook?_ **

****

Jaebum remembers how Jinyoung confessed earlier that he can’t cook, and his shoulders shake from laughter. “I do.”

 

Jinyoung presses his cheek on Jaebum’s nape and it feels warm, and Jaebum realizes Jinyoung is blushing. “At least, we won’t starve.” The use of pronoun makes Jaebum’s heart swell.

 

**_Have you ever thought of a life with me?_ **

****

“Yes,” Jinyoung says, and Jaebum smiles because that makes the two of them, then.

 

**_How was it like in your imagination?_ **

****

“Hm, well, it would be nice. Me, waking up with your arms around me. You, waking up to burnt pancakes and bacons but you’ll still say _ah, Jinyoung-ah, you cook the best pancakes ever_. We’ll go to the grocery together to buy food but we end up buying toys instead. You’ll reprimand me for always eating sweets and frozen food but you always come home from work with mint chocolate ice creams. We’ll cuddle, and you’ll tell me about your shooting and how I’m better than your idol actors,” Jinyoung says, his eyes glinting with happiness. “And then you’ll reserve an entire room in our house for the sole reason of it becoming my library. You’ll find me there at nights, sometimes reading, but mostly sleeping with Nora in my face.” As he finishes, Jaebum feels his arms tighten around him, and then he’s overflowing with emotions and it takes him everything to stop himself from putting Jinyoung down and slam him against an establishment’s wall and kiss the life out of him.

 

**_So, have you thought about living with me?_ **

****

“All the time.” The answer comes quick, and Jaebum grins to himself when he feels Jinyoung’s breath hitch.

 

**_How do you think would it be like living with me?_ **

****

“And here I thought I’m the one with unoriginal questions,” Jaebum teases, and Jinyoung pinches his cheek.

 

“Shut up.”

 

“Hmm, to feed your curiosity, I think living with you means living with burned food and kitchen—aww!” Jaebum stops walking when Jinyoung uses _both hands_ in pinching Jaebum hard.

 

“You didn’t even know I can’t cook until tonight.”

 

Jaebum laughs, and Jinyoung urges him to continue walking. “I won’t even make you cook. I’ll serve you, my princess. You won’t have to tire a limb with me.”

 

“Hm, really.”

 

“Well, except when we—“

 

“Oh, _god_ ,” Jinyoung says, scandalized as he covers Jaebum’s lips with his palm. “Please.”

 

“You can’t act all innocent on me now, Jinyoung. Not after you—“

 

“Can we not recall that moment!”

 

“But I enjoyed your kiss—“

 

“Im Jaebum, I swear to god.”

 

**_You never call me hyung. Why?_ **

****

“I like saying your name,” Jinyoung says simply.

 

“But you got it wrong the first time.”

 

“Shit—“ Jinyoung says, but stops mid-curse.

 

**_Holy hell, how can you still remember that?_ **

****

“I can still remember clearly that day I met you,” Jaebum confesses, glad that Jinyoung can’t see his face at that moment. “And it’s the first time someone called me _Jaebong_ , so it was unforgettable.”

 

That White Day Jaebum met Jinyoung is very, very memorable, and Jinyoung made it even more unforgettable by calling Jaebum differently, his brows furrowing in bafflement and his lips pouting at the syllable. He smiles to himself every single time he remembers Jinyoung’s cute baby voice calling him _Jaebong_.

 

“I still have your pink and purple sketch of Nora, too,” Jaebum adds, and Jinyoung jumps down from his back to look at Jaebum and hold his cheeks.

 

“Oh my god,” Jinyoung mutters disbelievingly.

 

**_Aside from drawing, what else do you do besides reading?_ **

****

“Hmm, just that. I don’t draw properly, though. I just do random sketches whenever I find something beautiful,” Jinyoung answers without batting an eyelash.

 

**_So, have you done a sketch of me already?_ **

****

Jinyoung’s eyes comically widen at the unexpected query, and Jaebum doesn’t know either where the question came from. Honestly, Jaebum has lost count of about how many times he humiliated himself in front of Jinyoung in the entirety of their Twenty Questions game.

 

“Lots of,” Jinyoung whispers, his face diving flat on Jaebum’s chest.

 

Minutes later and Jinyoung is still on Jaebum’s chest, and though the feeling and the warmth are welcomed, it’s getting later and Jinyoung needs to rest. It’s not happening yet, but Jaebum already feels bereft at the thought of them parting ways, but at least, they’re parting ways in good terms.

 

“I know I smell good, but give me your last two questions already before we take you home.”

 

“Okay,” Jinyoung says as he slowly lifts his face up, “but I want to tell you that I forgot my keys inside the house and I’ll probably have to wait for the housekeeper to come tomorrow at nine am for the duplicate key.” Jaebum stares at Jinyoung with a teasing edge in his gaze, and Jinyoung adds defensively, “I only figured it out now, okay! It wasn’t planned,” he says, pouting.

 

“Okay, Jinyoung-ah. I believe you,” Jaebum says before leaning against the nearest wall. Jinyoung follows and leans beside Jaebum, their sides touching. “Let’s take a rest for a while. Ah, you were heavy.”

 

**_Would you mind telling me about your… uhm, well, hobbies?_ **

****

“Hmm, aside from collecting girls—“ Hit. “I’m kidding!” Hit. “Stop—“ Hit. “—hitting—“ Hit. “—me!” Jaebum catches Jinyoung’s hands before they can do permanent damage to his chest. Laughing, he proceeds, “You already know I do photography, right?” Jinyoung nods. “Well, that’s about it. I enjoy good books every now and then, there’s Nora, and well, the café.” Jinyoung doesn’t voice out the question, but Jaebum answers it nonetheless. “I co-own a café here in Jeju, and so far I’ve never regretted putting my savings there.”

 

“You and your thing with cafés.”

 

“Me and my thing with you,” Jaebum kids, and Jinyoung kicks his shin in feign annoyance.

 

“I have one last question, right?”

 

“Mhmm.”

 

**_Who’s Solar?_ **

****

Jaebum has expected the question to come, but it still takes him by surprise and he ends up doubling up in laughter, Jinyoung staying immobile and pouting. When Jaebum composes himself, he sees the flaring blush on Jinyoung’s cheeks, and instead of answering Jinyoung’s question, he sweeps him off his feet and carries him on his shoulder, Jinyoung shrieking in surprise.

 

\--

 

As Jaebum instinctively rubs his eyes when he wakes up, his eyes immediately dart at the beaming red light of the digital clock on the bedside table.

 

_3:14 am_

Jaebum heaves a deep sigh, but as his eyesight becomes less blurry and clearer, he sees a silver watch that’s slightly smaller than his own, an iPhone that looks like his own, and a black leather wallet that he recognizes is not his, and his eyes turn to the weight on his right arm, and suddenly his light-headedness is gone and the smile that he sports nearly rips his face in two.

 

Jinyoung’s hair is a messy fluff on his head, a few fringes covering his eyes. Jaebum wants to gently fix the younger’s fallen tendrils and caress his flaw-free skin, but in fear of waking him up, Jaebum settles on just mutely watching Jinyoung take open-mouthed huffs, his chest and shoulders moving up and down in time with his inhales and exhales.

 

“You look at him like he’s the eighth wonder of the world.”

 

As if personified by her motherly intuition, Jaebum sees Solar leaning against the doorframe, one hand on her hip and the other holding an Americano.

 

“Shut up,” Jaebum says as he brings his gaze back on Jinyoung, and moments later, he feels the edge of the bed dip.

 

Jaebum stares at Solar then, but her stare is straight on Jinyoung’s sleeping form, like she’s analyzing him, trying to figure out what’s with him that got Jaebum so smitten, so whipped. It’s just a guess, though, because sometimes Solar just wants to stare at beautiful things, but if she’s indeed trying to solve Jinyoung’s charm, Jaebum hopes she could so she can tell him about it.

 

“I see you finally manned up,” she comments as she sips on her coffee. “The moping will end at last.”

 

“I did not—“

 

“Oh, shut up. All employees noticed.” As she talks, she motions for Jaebum to sit up so she won’t be looking down on him. Jaebum does as he was asked and he moves with extreme carefulness until he’s leaning on the headboard of the bed with Jinyoung’s head on the pillow, thankfully still sound asleep. “Ah, he’s so pretty.”

 

“He is,” Jaebum agrees, and both he and Solar freeze when Jinyoung suddenly moved, though they end up laughing soundlessly when Jinyoung reaches for Jaebum’s waist and hugs him.

 

“So, he’s not mad at you? Why was he ignoring you?”

 

Jaebum runs his free hand on Jinyoung’s soft locks. “He was hurt, but we’re okay now. I’m glad I braved up and approached him.”

 

“I am, too. Took you long,” Solar replies as she reaches to run her hand on Jinyoung’s arm. “Why is he dressed in your clothes, anyway? Did you—“

 

“We did not,” Jaebum cuts off whatever nasty ideas Solar has, and he’s sure as hell that she caught the pink tips of his ears. “He was still awake enough to change on his own.”

 

“Uh-huh.” Jaebum stops rubbing Jinyoung’s bare skin to hit Solar on her thighs. “What! I did not say I do not believe you.” Solar huffs, before her face turns serious and suddenly, Jaebum just wants her to continue teasing him. “What’s your plan now?”

 

“Plan?”

 

“Stop acting dumb, you’re horrible.”

 

Jaebum sighs, before accepting defeat and hanging his head low. “I… don’t know.”

 

“Just keep in mind that not all relationships are like your parents’.” There’s a pause after, Solar taking her time on sipping her drink. “You see, some couples are meant to fall apart. They may seem a perfect fit to each other, but they fail one way or another. But then…,” she trails, looking at Jaebum, then at Jinyoung. “There are couples who are meant to be together. Like some vital force is working to keep them together. Like the universe seems to conspire to ignite the flames in their hearts. Not because one couple failed means all other couples would, too.”

 

Jaebum has had Solar ever since the beginning, the girl knowing Jaebum’s every fiber like her own. She knows where he’s coming, and where he gets his fear for commitments. And even though she hadn’t been there when Jaebum first met Jinyoung, he knows that the moment she saw Jaebum just staring at Jinyoung earlier like the younger holds his world and his entire universe in his hands, she already knows that Jaebum is smitten and is helplessly falling.

 

“I’ve never seen you so distraught and unfocused, but then with him in your arms, I feel like nothing’s ever going to go wrong with you.”

 

“You make me sound so disgustingly in love.”

 

“Aren’t you, though,” Solar says matter-of-factly, and Jaebum doesn’t even have a nerve in him to disagree.

 

Moments pass and none of them speaks, and then Jaebum feels Solar lean her head on his shoulder, her hands hugging Jaebum’s free arm.

 

“He’s dying,” Jaebum blurts out of nowhere. Solar prods him to proceed with his point. “What if I won’t be good for him? What if I just make everything worse? What if I just mess up and lose him?”

 

“You are so shit-scared and I’m honestly enjoying your misery,” she kids, and Jaebum is about to retort when Solar squeezes his arm. Jaebum shuts his mouth and lets Solar continue. “So he’s running out of time, then stop running away from him. Maximize his presence and make him spend every second of his life with you, like how I know you want him to.”

 

“He looks so vulnerable and I’m afraid I’d break him soon.”

 

“The only thing that’s gonna break when you run off on him again is your face, I swear.” At this point, Jaebum is torn between strangling Solar to death and burying her alive. As usual, Solar sees through him, and she laughs at him as she hits his head not-so-gently. “All I’m saying is take the risk. Jinyoung seems to be worthy.”

 

\--

 

Waking up next to Jinyoung is everything Jaebum thought it would be: pleasant, stupendous, and overwhelming. Jinyoung’s embrace is warm, his mouth ghosting under Jaebum’s jaw. It’s a little past eleven am when Jaebum opens his eyes again, Jinyoung still sound asleep next to him. Jinyoung’s hair is messier this time, but probably not as messy as Jaebum’s longer ones. As he brushes Jinyoung’s bangs, he sees the younger’s angelic face, his thick brows arching his closed eyes and his lashes fanning his cheeks. Jaebum watches how Jinyoung’s nose scrunches up once in a while, his other hand unconsciously moves up to rub at his face. He’s beautiful when he’s awake, Jaebum thinks, but is thousand times more ethereal when he’s peacefully sleeping.

 

The curtains covering the windows surrounding the room are all tied up, the summer sun’s morning rays seeping through the glasses. Jaebum breathes in the summer breeze, and as he looks at Jinyoung bathed in the peach rays of the sun with his dark hair reflecting the light outside and the azure vastness behind him, he comes to a realization that he, Im Jaebum, is undeniably, profoundly, and irrevocably in love with Park Jinyoung.

 

“You’re staring.”

 

Jaebum comes back from his trance when Jinyoung speaks, his voice mellifluous and smooth.

 

“I just want to. Good morning,” Jaebum says, and Jinyoung’s eyes flutter close again when Jaebum leans down to kiss his lids.

 

“When did you last get a haircut?” Stupefied at Jinyoung’s first comment as soon as he wakes up, Jaebum frowns. Jinyoung takes his fringes on his finger and swirls them, eyes dancing with glee. “Your hair got a lot longer.”

 

“I got caught up with university, and my hair’s my least priority,” Jaebum answers, and Jinyoung nods, satisfied. “Your hair got longer too.”

 

“Hm, I usually get a haircut monthly because my hair grows quickly, but I was too busy moping over you that I forgot,” Jinyoung teases, a goofy grin on his face.

 

“Let’s get your hair cut, then,” Jaebum says, and Jinyoung laughs loudly.

 

“Maybe when I get back to Seoul,” Jinyoung replies, his fingers playing with Jaebum’s hair. “But don’t get yours cut, I like it long.”

 

“It’s covering my eyes, though.”

 

“Then push it up with a barrette or something,” Jinyoung suggests, his hands moving to push Jaebum’s hair up. “Eh, but I want to see your forehead too.”

 

“Should I just shave my head, then?”

 

Jinyoung stops and stares for a moment, probably imagining Jaebum without hair on his head, and then he bursts out laughing like Jaebum being bald is a joke in itself. “God, please no,” Jinyoung mutters breathlessly after his laughing fit.

 

\--

 

The five hours that Jaebum spent working in the café after sending Jinyoung home passes impossibly fast, and before Jaebum even realized it, he already feels his phone buzzing at the back pocket of his jeans.

 

**From: Jinyoungie**

You don’t need to pick me up. I’m on my way. :)

_Sent 7:23 PM_

Jaebum is about to call Jinyoung upon reading the message when the café door swings open, the door chimes ringing upon the entrance of a new customer. From his spot near the counter where Moonbyul is arranging a drink, Jaebum turns his head and grins.

 

“You didn’t say you’re on your way to the _door_ of the café,” Jaebum says as he walks towards Jinyoung who just arrived, simply clad in a gray cotton sweater with the sleeves folded just above his elbows, and white trousers.

 

Jinyoung smiles up at Jaebum, and when he’s in reach, he holds Jaebum’s arms and pulls him for a quick kiss on his lips, right in the middle of the café. “I just guessed you’d ditch work and stubbornly pick me up.”

 

“Don’t you think you’re thinking too highly of yourself, hm?” Jaebum teases as he unties his apron and hands them to an employee behind the counter, along with the tray he uses in serving four drinks at a time.

 

“It’s true, though,” Jinyoung says as Jaebum gently guides him to the corner table. When they were both seated, Jaebum notices Jinyoung is just staring at him, his eyes silently asking a question that Jaebum can’t seem to decipher. Up until now, Jaebum is still awed at the depth of Jinyoung’s gazes.

 

“What is it?” Jaebum prods softly, hands reaching across the table to envelop Jinyoung’s with his own.

 

“I was just wondering when have you become so parsimonious, bringing me to a café that you own and won’t cost you a cent,” Jinyoung says with a straight face, but Jaebum catches the teasing lilt to his tone, so he leans forward to pinch Jinyoung’s nose.

 

“I’m not being scrimpy, okay?” Jaebum says defensively. “I brought you here to answer your twentieth question.” Jinyoung stiffens visibly, and Jaebum feels his hand quiver a little in his hold, but he squeezes them tightly and doesn’t let go until his pre-ordered chocolate shake and cheesecake for Jinyoung get served by Solar.

 

Solar had been doing the inventories the entire day so she’s clad in her casual shirt and skirt, her long, black hair tied messily in a ballerina bun, and hopefully Jinyoung picks up that she’s not just an employee but is actually the co-owner that Jaebum has failed to name.

 

“Can I sit here?” Solar asks with a chummy smile after Jinyoung’s food is laid in front of him, and Jaebum catches the quick glance that the younger sends his way. “Jinyoung, right? I’m Solar.”

 

“Hi,” Jinyoung says, offering a timid smile before lowering his head. He doesn’t look up even after a few minutes passed; instead he just plays with his food.

 

“Hey, look at me,” Solar says, completely incapable of handling silences. “Ah, you look much, much prettier up close.” Jinyoung blushes at the compliment, and if Jaebum and Solar aren’t holding both his hands, Jaebum knows he’d cover his face away from peering eyes. “Please don’t tell me you’re in any way jealous or insecure of me, please, Jinyoung-ah. I mean, god. I’d look like a trash next to you if you’re a girl, okay? And I’d _never_ , ever date Jaebum. Not even when he’s the last man on earth. I’d rather date the rocks.”

 

Jaebum silently watches Solar charm her way with Jinyoung, and when the latter laughs at Solar’s lame joke, Jaebum is happy because the last thing he wants Jinyoung to feel around the closest person to him is uncomfortable.

 

Solar didn’t stay long, though. She only spent a few good minutes with them before she stands up and leaves with a parting note intended for Jaebum: _my co-owner is slacking enough for the two of us, so I gotta work my ass to keep this shit going._ Jinyoung covers his mouth in an attempt to hold back his laughter as he waves Solar a good bye.

 

“A few minutes together and you’re both already ganging up on me,” Jaebum comments as he stands up from his seat and slips beside Jinyoung. Upon contact, Jinyoung immediately melts against Jaebum and he sighs in content as he wraps his arm around Jinyoung possessively. Not that Jaebum wants to silently announce to all the guys and girls in the café checking Jinyoung out that Jinyoung is his. No, absolutely not.

 

“She’s nice,” Jinyoung comments, his dulcet voice fond.

 

“She has her moments,” Jaebum says, and Jinyoung chuckles. “She’s an amazing person and I’m glad you liked her.”

 

“And she seems to know you well,” Jinyoung continues as he brings the fork with the cheesecake to Jaebum’s mouth. Jaebum opens his lips and takes a bite, before Jinyoung takes in his mouth the rest. “Like, you didn’t even talk the entire time but I felt like you were a part of our conversation.”

 

“Hmm, she should,” Jaebum agrees, his thumb wiping the small bit that was left at the corner of Jinyoung’s lips. Jaebum then lifts his thumb up and licks it clean. “Solar has been with me even before I could learn how to speak. She practically watched me grow up.”

 

Jinyoung hums. Jaebum stays silent then, taking in the longed familiarity of Jinyoung’s warmth against him. As Jaebum wraps his arm tighter around Jinyoung and rests on his waist, he smiles at the feeling of his body fitting perfectly with Jinyoung—like they were originally created as one piece, brought apart by the cruel world, and now brought together by a vital force that Jaebum doesn’t need to name.

 

“Solar is three years older than me, but as far as I’ve seen, she’d always acted like she’s three. She’s fun and carefree and reckless, but she knows her priorities. She knows what she likes and she chases after it, and she’s unstoppable when she starts acting on her schemes.

 

“Did you know,” Jaebum trails, stopping for a moment to brush Jinyoung’s fringes, “that she was the reason how I found you?”

 

“What?” Jinyoung asks, his eyes a little wider with something like astonishment.

 

“Being pretty has its perks, and Solar uses said perks to her advantage.”

 

“You mean, from the rooftop bar to the glass bar at the hotel, it was her doing?” Jaebum nods, and Jinyoung shakes his head in mild disbelief. “Wow.”

 

“Wow, indeed. She’s sneaky and smart, and she used her connections to find you.”

 

“Wait, we have a mutual friend—you know Wonpil, don’t you?” When Jaebum nods, Jinyoung proceeds, “Solar knows Wonpil knows me? Isn’t their entire band a friend of yours?”

 

“Yes, all members of the band are our friends, but Wonpil never mentioned you. I think Solar only knew after her… you know, stalking.”

 

“ _Research!_ ” Solar’s voice comes suddenly, and both Jaebum and Jinyoung flinch at her appearance. “Tiramisu for my lovely kids,” she says wickedly as she walks away again.

 

Jinyoung asks more about Solar, and Jaebum obligingly answers his queries. He asks about Solar’s love life, how she is outside the café, what she does aside from managing the café, where her family is, her friends, and even the most trivial things like Solar’s favorite color and book and song.

 

“She actually has a lot of favorite songs,” Jaebum responds to Jinyoung’s most recent question. “Music major and all.”

 

“She’s a Music major?” Jaebum hums in reply, taking the teaspoon for Jinyoung to feed the younger. Jinyoung chews lightly on the tiramisu before he adds, “I mean, she has a lyric voice, yes, but she actually sings? She’s… a little too loud for my ears.” With Jinyoung’s confession, Jaebum laughs, open-mouthed and loud.

 

It takes Jaebum three hits on his arms before his laughter dies down. “People say that a lot because she’s actually indeed very loud. Especially when she’s at home. But she’s an amazing singer, and you can literally spend a whole week just listening to her jam and you won’t get a bit bored, or sleepy.”

 

The furrow of inquisition is still deep on Jinyoung’s forehead, so Jaebum prods him to speak his mind. “Why didn’t she audition as an idol? The café is great, okay, but the opportunity…”

 

Jaebum pats Jinyoung’s head. “People ask her that a lot, too. But Solar’s way of thinking is unimaginable, and you’d get a headache trying to comprehend her head.

 

“I was in junior high school when I first told Solar about investing in a business. She suggested a café out of the blue, and I just went _hm, sounds nice_. It sounded like a childish plan back then, something decided out of impulse. And then months after Solar got into a university, she called me and said something about a classmate of hers selling a property in Jeju. I was surprised that she still remembers, and before I could even ask her about how we’d manage the café when we’re both in Ilsan, she had already bought the property. Solar is innately well-off, born with a silver spoon and all that shit. And then the next thing I knew, she did not enroll the following semester and was already finalizing the business in Jeju.

 

“When I went to Jeju that summer, I asked her how would I co-own the café when she already had everything done. You know what she told me? _I’m giving back the money to my parents, and then I’ll leave the house. I don’t need them to rub on my face how their money keeps me alive._ ”

 

At this, Jinyoung shifts in his position and hugs Jaebum. Taken aback by surprise, Jaebum slackens a bit. It’s when Jinyoung starts rubbing soothing spirals on his back that Jaebum melts and embraces Jinyoung back.

 

“I’m glad Solar has you,” Jinyoung says much, much later.

 

“And she’s glad that I have you,” Jaebum replies, kissing the crown of Jinyoung’s head.

 

\--

 

The next days were gloriously spent with each other, in each other’s arms. There were days spent just strolling in Jeju, the summer rays hitting their bare arms and legs as they cycle their way around, trying and judging other café’s bestsellers. Some days, they travelled to nearby islands and enjoyed horseback riding, sometimes hand in hand as they rent two different horses, sometimes with Jinyoung leaning against Jaebum’s body as he guided the horse to gently tour them around, his hands encasing Jinyoung proprietarily and protectively, the green pasture appreciated with loving eyes as they watch the rest of the horses sashay gracefully under the beaming afternoon light.

 

Came also were the days where they snuck out and swam by the beach at midnight, their lithe bodies naked from hips above and gliding their way through the deeper area, and stayed by the water until Jinyoung got tired of staring at the moonlit sky as Jaebum kissed and licked his way into him, evoking wanton groans and guttural moans that were equally sexy as they were endearing.

 

But tonight is spent silently watching the stars blink above like they’re telling bedtime stories, the hammock swaying languidly with Jaebum lying beneath Jinyoung, the younger’s head resting comfortably by the junction of Jaebum’s neck and collarbones. They are both clad in Jaebum’s sweaters and pajama pants, their rambling conversations going from the constellations above them to Jinyoung’s complaints about how Jaebum’s sweater is so huge it’s actually a long-sleeved dress for the younger.

 

As they lay together under the moonless night sky, Jaebum realizes how he’s actually content and satisfied just having Jinyoung by his side, in his embrace, sharing his heat like it’s his own. Jaebum needs no coffee shop dates or island adventures to be happy, because Jinyoung’s mere existence is a source of happiness for him already.

 

Jaebum is clueless as to how his life turned from finding people to sleep with to actually dreaming of just waking up to Jinyoung, burnt breakfast and all. He thinks of all his future waking moments with Jinyoung, and Jaebum’s heart swells with delight. With Jinyoung in his embrace, Jaebum could only wish he gets more time with the younger because living without Jinyoung is something Jaebum doesn’t fancy.

 

“Don’t you need to go back to Seoul for your check-up?”

 

Jinyoung nuzzles closer and sniffs Jaebum’s neck before muttering, “Don’t think about it.”

 

“But—“ Jaebum feels Jinyoung bite at his neck and suck, licking the mark he knows would be a blooming purple by tomorrow, and an embarrassing moan slips out of his pursed lips. “Okay.”

 

\--

 

It had been three years and everyone had forgotten already, so Solar almost loses her mind when her parents show up one afternoon in the café, her mom carrying on her forearm a bag that probably caused the death of an alligator, judging eyes giving their humble coffee shop a once-over.

 

“You picked… _this_ ,” she says with all the insult in the world, hand gesturing around vaguely, “over everything else?”

 

Solar doesn’t answer; instead she thrashes out of the café and into nowhere no one knows. Thankfully there were not much customers inside, but Jaebum’s heart is about to pound out of his chest. He feels Jinyoung’s soft hands hold his, the younger’s thumb drawing patterns on his palm, and Jaebum calms down a little.

 

“She never walks out. Solar… she always has a snarky remark to everything.”

 

“Maybe she was surprised,” Jinyoung consoles, peppering Jaebum’s face with butterfly kisses. Jaebum’s eyes flutter close at the gently pecks, the burden in his chest getting lighter with each passing moment. “She probably didn’t expect a confrontation.”

 

“I was even more shocked that she ran away.”

 

Long pause.

 

“You know, some people tend to run away when they get scared.” Jaebum holds Jinyoung’s face to stop his arsenal of kisses, and he stares right through the younger’s eyes to see them staring back, holding an intensity Jaebum can’t keep up with. Then Jinyoung smiles slyly, “She’ll be fine.”

 

And Solar is exactly that when she turns up at the café two weeks later with a lighter brown hair and a more radiant smile, assaulting Jaebum with a crashing hug as she enters the café with her signature door slamming.

 

“You good?” Jaebum struggles to say.

 

“I feel amazing,” Solar says, before regarding Jinyoung with a hug that the younger accepts welcomingly.

 

“How’s your mom?”

 

Solar lets go of Jinyoung before she comically puts her hands on her face in mock surprise. “I have a _mom?_ ”

 

Jinyoung sends Jaebum a knowing look, and he doesn’t need to guess that Jinyoung wants to tell him to let Solar have her way and just go with her flow. In amazement, Jaebum wonders when did he and Jinyoung learn to converse with their eyes. Though it isn’t flawless yet, as Jaebum realizes that Jinyoung still showcases indecipherable gazes that takes Jaebum’s breath away, and especially that mysterious gaze that he sees Jinyoung give him at times, when the younger thinks he wouldn’t notice.

 

Beats later and it was Jinyoung who feigns shock. “ _You_ have a _mom_?” Jinyoung puts an arm around Solar, pulling her closer as he says, “I thought you were a daughter of the sea.”

 

“And the sun.” Jaebum watches as the two of them nod sullenly in unison, before shutting them both off to serve the coffee that Moonbyul hands him. Honestly, Jaebum isn’t old enough to father two kids.

 

“Hey, Bummie,” Solar nudges much later when Jaebum claims his shift done, and he’s just sluggishly slurping the milkshake that he brought for Jinyoung. Jaebum pointedly ignores Solar and continues playing with Jinyoung’s hand, but the latter regarded her with a smile and Jaebum sees Solar stick her tongue out. “I’ll be throwing a party next, next Monday at a friend’s bar. Be there, you two!”

 

Jinyoung nods enthusiastically, but Jaebum frowns immediately. “No.”

 

“Jaebummie,” the two coo conspiratorially in chorus, and Jaebum knows that whatever he might be saying now will be disregarded when Jinyoung talks him out of it. Still, he holds onto his answer.

 

“No.”

 

“We’ll be there,” Jinyoung says with finality, and Jaebum can’t exactly dissent to him. Not when Jinyoung leaves a wet, chaste kiss by the corner of Jaebum’s mouth. Even a strong man has weaknesses, too. “I’ll bring my friends.”

 

“Cool!” Solar says the exact same time Jaebum jolts up from his seat with a surprised, “What?”

 

“My friends. They’ll be here by then, they said. Will be staying with me for the rest of the summer.”

 

“You never mentioned anything,” Jaebum says, half-hurt.

 

“Surprise?” the younger says, his face wincing.

 

If Jaebum’s heart falls because of the news that he’d be meeting Jinyoung’s friends sooner, or because of Jinyoung’s wide, toothy smile and puppy eyes directed onto him, he doesn’t need to know.

 

\--

 

Jaebum doesn’t exactly mind being left alone by Solar on the café for weeks – it’s a small price to pay Solar with for all her work all those years – but more than the lack of sleep, Jaebum is actually irked that he got to spend less time with Jinyoung, as the younger decided to just stay at home and just visit the café at night so he wouldn’t be too much of a distraction. So Jaebum is gratefully delighted when Solar lets him skip his shift for the meantime and make up for the lost time with Jinyoung, because _you look so Jinyoung-deprived when actually you were always together at night._

 

However, as it is getting warmer and more humid as late June approaches, _making up for lost times_ actually ended up with them just sleeping together—day and night. The two of them are literally just sleeping the hours away—sometimes in Jaebum’s place, sometimes in Jinyoung’s. They’ve been inseparable since Solar’s arrival to the point where Moonbyul actually asked Jaebum if Jinyoung’s pregnant already, but Jaebum is already immune to Solar and Moonbyul’s endless teasing.

 

Their consecutive slothful days are cut short when one afternoon, as Jaebum and Jinyoung idly slump themselves on the couch in Jinyoung’s place, the younger tells Jaebum that he wants to drink in a bar again.

 

“Is it okay for you to even drink so much?”

 

Jinyoung is seated at the couch with his legs dangling on Jaebum’s shoulder, him being seated on the floor and playing with Jinyoung’s feet which are surprisingly soft and smooth. The younger is playing with Jaebum’s hair, trying playfully to tie his lengthening hair with a rubber band. Jaebum stops the motions of Jinyoung’s hands and holds his wrist together, his eyes staring straight onto the younger’s as he repeats his query.

 

“I’m dying, anyways, so—“

 

“Jinyoung,” Jaebum says sternly, trying to cover up the fear that what Jinyoung is about to say is an inevitable truth. Jaebum dismisses the thought as immediately as he had them.

 

“What?” he asks, eyes filled with mixed emotions—fear, melancholy, fright, and fraught.

 

Jaebum doesn’t want Jinyoung to look so miserable, to feel utterly down, because his Jinyoung deserves to be happy, to be given of the world. Jinyoung deserves nothing less; he’s a wonderful person who deserves all the love he gives—and more.

 

Letting go of Jinyoung’s hands, Jaebum kneels and moves back a little bit, Jinyoung’s feet now in his thighs. “Shut up,” he softly mutters as he blows the tendrils that fell from the band that held his hair up, before kissing each toe as gently as he could.

 

Jaebum’s temperament is far from being ideal—he is easily angered and choleric, a ticking bomb waiting to explode. He is anything but gentle, but with Jinyoung, Jaebum becomes the antithesis of himself. With Jinyoung, Jaebum does everything with care. He treats Jinyoung like a fine sheet of glass, needed to be handled with care lest he’ll break and shatter. Plans and schedules don’t work on Jinyoung; the younger is as unpredictable as Jaebum is, taking on his emotions and impulses. Jinyoung is a dizzying bizarre, a constellation composed of many, and a deep, never-ending galaxy of mysteries.

 

From Jinyoung’s toes, Jaebum’s mouth travels north, kissing the skin that Jinyoung’s shorts failed to cover. Jaebum feels Jinyoung shudder, and he catches the abrupt moan that Jinyoung produces, the younger quick enough to recuperate and cover his mouth with his palm. Though Jaebum gives him no time to reprieve, sucking at the unblemished milky thighs right in front of him after seconds. At the third visible mark, Jinyoung has long given up in holding back his moans, and Jaebum feels hotter as Jinyoung sings to him the sexiest melodies.

 

To keep Jinyoung from turning Jaebum on even further, he brings his mouth up to cover Jinyoung’s with his own, any form of sultry sounds swallowed by Jaebum. Jinyoung’s hands blindly finds Jaebum’s belt loops, and in a few moments, he has Jaebum straddling him on the couch, their crotches accidentally rubbing and they moan in unison, the room reverberating of their torrid duet.

 

It’s okay, Jaebum thinks as he struggles to lay Jinyoung down on the couch so he wouldn’t be a heavy weight atop the younger, because they are thankfully alone in the house and Jinyoung can moan all he wants as he comes undone beneath Jaebum, but then there are banging on the door and they freeze for a moment, then—

 

“Jinyoungie-hyung!”

 

It’s a male voice Jaebum doesn’t recognize, but obviously is familiar to Jinyoung as he groans in frustration, shuffling to fix himself but not letting go of Jaebum’s belt loop, his index finger still hooked on it.

 

“That one’s Kunpimook,” Jinyoung says, before lifting himself up to claim Jaebum’s lips that are as abused and swollen as Jinyoung’s own.

 

They keep their slow pace despite the fact that one of Jinyoung’s friends is just right outside the door, and Jaebum feels Jinyoung’s tongue fight for dominance when there’s another wave of loud banging accompanying an even more baby-ish voice.

 

“Hyungie! Open the door!”

 

“Oh god,” Jinyoung grunts, licking Jaebum’s bottom lip with his tongue. Jaebum instinctively opens his lips, and Jinyoung smirks at his reflex response. “I didn’t know they were arriving _today_.”

 

Jaebum gives Jinyoung’s top lip one final tug before he sits up and pulls Jinyoung with him, both men trying to fix their obviously tugged hairs. Jinyoung is about to attend to the door when he sees Jaebum remove the tie he made of his hair and ruffles his messed up hair, and he runs back at him to redo the tie.

 

“You really want me to meet your friends with my hair like this?” he asks, frowning as he struggles to take a look at the childish tie on his head.

 

Jinyoung ignores him as he fixes the few tendrils that the younger intentionally left, and Jaebum scrunches up his face. “Don’t be grumpy. Jackson did this before, too,” Jinyoung says, and Jaebum lifts his left brow up. Jinyoung smiles goofily, before he leans down to kiss Jaebum full on the lips. “You look amazing.”

 

Jaebum leans his head at the backrest of the couch, and as he watches Jinyoung glide his way to the door, Jaebum thinks back on the time where Jinyoung almost gave him a heart attack, dropping the bomb unexpectedly at the café and telling Jaebum that all five of his friends would come to Jeju that week, and Jaebum is immediately standing up and in a few large strides, Jaebum reaches to Jinyoung even before the younger gets his hand on the knob.

 

“Jaeb—“

 

Jaebum cuts Jinyoung off with a lick on the younger’s lips as he pins Jinyoung to the door, and he smiles triumphantly when Jinyoung doesn’t fight, instead opening his lips and legs and Jaebum slides between them.

 

“Jaebummie,” Jinyoung moans as Jaebum finds his way lower, sucking at Jinyoung’s neck that tastes just as delectable as it looks.

 

“Hm?” Jaebum hums nonchalantly, his hands intertwining with Jinyoung’s so he’d stop pushing his shoulders away.

 

“Don’t forget that this door is the only thing separating us from my friends.” Jinyoung is panting as he speaks, his hands tightening their grip on Jaebum.

 

“I know.”

 

Jinyoung tries to shimmy his way out of Jaebum’s body but they both deemed it a wrong move as their crotches brush deliciously again, and both men gasps loudly at the contact. For a moment, they both freeze and stay immobile, and Jaebum looks at Jinyoung with dark, dilated eyes. Jinyoung gulps visibly, and he unconsciously licks his lips. Jaebum feels parched as he follows the motion.

 

The tension is cut off by the loud banging and Jackson’s easily recognizable voice.

 

“Jinyoung-ah! Jinyoung-ah!”

 

Swallowing hard, Jaebum moves away and leans on the wall beside the door, leaving Jinyoung a bit dumbfounded. Jaebum laughs, tugging Jinyoung out of his trance and says, “Open up. I doubt that door is strong enough to survive Jackson’s—“ Loud knocks. “—loud knocks.” Jinyoung nods absentmindedly, before he moves and opens the door, annoyed.

 

“Jacks—“

 

“Oh my god, Jinyoung. You look savaged.”

 

“Hyung? Your lips are swollen.”

 

“Jinyoungie-hyungie! You look like someone ferocious attacked you.”

 

Jaebum can’t make out the rest of the chatter as four people speak in chorus, though Jackson’s voice is unsurprisingly outstanding alongside a high-pitched voice that’s half-teasing Jinyoung’s bruised lips and half-shrieking his name.

 

Jackson is the first to pass the door, and as he sees Jaebum leaning against the wall by the door, he smiles, feral, and then he announces, “Right, Bam. Jinyoung got attacked by a beast.” With heated cheeks, Jaebum looks away from Jackson.

 

Jaebum goes to find his phone to call the café and ask for food and drinks when he hears Jinyoung’s delighted squeal. Frowning, Jaebum turns around to see Jinyoung being lifted up by a thinner man with exquisitely good looks emphasized by his blonde hair. Jaebum watches as Jinyoung hugs the man tightly, the man in question smiling contagiously. Giving Jinyoung a quick kiss on his cheek, the man brings Jinyoung down, but Jinyoung seemingly can’t detach himself from said man even when the blonde starts pulling all their luggage inside the house.

 

But then Jaebum sees another male and he frowns in recognition, before raw astonishment floods his face upon seeing a familiar face.

 

“Youngjae?”

 

“Hyung? Hyung!” Jaebum momentarily forgets about Jinyoung and the blond he’s snaked around as Youngjae approaches him, his cousin jumping on him for a quick hug. “What—“ Youngjae starts, his eyes moving from Jaebum to Jinyoung and back on him again, the younger male ignoring the unspoken question of his friends. “—I mean, I know you’re in Jeju, but why are you _here_? You know Jinyoung-hyung?”

 

“Uh,” Jaebum says at a loss for words, and then he remembers how Jinyoung told him that none – except Jackson – of his friends knows about him. “Well, yes.”

 

“You’re friends, too?”

 

Honestly, Jaebum doesn’t know how to answer that one. Surely, friends don’t kiss, do they? Or at least, not with tongue?

 

“They’re more than that, Youngjae-ah.” That one’s Jackson, his answer coming with a sharp nudge on Jaebum’s side.

 

Silence then followed, all eyes darting between Jaebum and Jinyoung. Jinyoung doesn’t seem to mind the prying eyes of his friends, and Jaebum doesn’t, too, but he minds the blonde’s arm half-hugging Jinyoung’s waist. There’s an underlying current of tension inside the house, and Jaebum understands that Jinyoung’s friends want to talk to him – _alone_ – so Jaebum excuses himself.

 

“I’ll go get you guys food. I’ll be back,” he says, timidly smiling at Youngjae, before his eyes meet Jinyoung’s. “Anything you want?” Jaebum asks no one in particular.

 

“I’ll come with you!” Jackson volunteered when the guy he called Bam is about to reply, jumping up from his place excitedly. “I know what these guys want, I’ll just tell you on our way.” Jaebum nods at Jackson. When they’re about to leave, however, Jaebum feels a warm palm on his elbow. He doesn’t need to turn to know it’s Jinyoung, and he doesn’t want to look like he’s ignoring the younger, but he just stops in his tracks and hums, recognizing Jinyoung’s presence.

 

“Be quick,” Jinyoung says softly, and it’s then that Jaebum turns around where he sees Jinyoung’s head hanging low.

 

Looking at the younger, Jaebum can’t even last a minute pretending to be upset with Jinyoung. Sighing, Jaebum holds Jinyoung’s chin with his left hand between his thumb and forefinger and lifts it up. “I’ll be quick.” Jinyoung nods, tiptoeing to give his lips a soft peck, before he takes a step back and waves at his bestfriend.

 

\--

 

Jinyoung’s friends are nice—amazing, actually. Jaebum sees how they could make Jinyoung light up and how they could effortlessly pull out a laugh from Jinyoung’s lips. They make up for the time they spent without Jinyoung, but the younger always brings him with them so he’d get to know them, and vice versa. It’s great, because Jaebum gets to spend time with Youngjae too, and he sees with his naked eyes how lucky Jinyoung is with his friends who love him too much in return.

 

Jaebum notices, too, how Jackson is the most protective of them with Jinyoung. He’s always on guard and watching even when he seems to be rowdily playing with Bambam (whom Jinyoung motherly calls Kunpimook) and Yugyeom. Whenever Jinyoung tries to chase the younger kids around, Jackson is quick to pull him to a halt, preaching about doing things that his doctor asked him not to. Jackson is also the one who frequently asks if Jinyoung needs water, if he’s tired, if he wants to go home, or if he wants to get carried on his back.

 

 _They’ve been best friends since forever_ , Youngjae tells Jaebum one time when his cousin catches him watching Jackson swatting Jinyoung’s face with cotton towel after playing. _Jackson-hyung to Jinyoungie-hyung is like Solar-noona to you_. Jaebum doesn’t ask anything after that.

 

And then there’s Mark.

 

Mark almost never talks. Jaebum finds himself quiet, but Mark is many times less chattier. Despite his lack of words, Jaebum feels his concern for their friends with his gaze, the fond smile he sends towards everyone always friendly and doting. He treats everyone almost the same – smiles and talks and cares for everyone in equal affection – but he’s especially touchy with Jinyoung. Jaebum sees how Mark sometimes flinches when Yugyeom or Bambam hugs him from behind, but he’s always okay with Jinyoung jumping on his back and half-hugging him.

 

And Jaebum shouldn’t feel jealous, or in any way envious of the attention that Jinyoung gives him because _Mark-hyung is just a friend, Jaebummie, like everyone else_ , but he is. It’s complicated and inexplicable, and Jaebum could just set his feelings aside hadn’t his emotions bother him.

 

“I don’t get it,” Jaebum says as he lifts the soda to his mouth, Jinyoung perched gingerly on his lap as they watch the kids – Bambam, Yugyeom and _Jackson_ – dance weirdly at the dance area of the bar they are in one night. It has become a nightly routine of the seven of them to barhop, though the only ones who drink are Bambam and Yugyeom, much to Jinyoung’s chagrin. Mark and Youngjae are out at the patio, the latter feeling suffocated inside.

 

“Don’t get what?” Jinyoung says, tasting the carbonated drink that Jaebum just drank from his lips. Jaebum feels drunk.

 

“Why—“ Jaebum starts, flinching on his own because he feels upset over something petty and simple, and he should just curl in his blanket and keep it to himself, but here he is, trying to tell Jinyoung the cause of his internal dilemma. “Why are you so close and touchy and – shit, I don’t know.”

 

“Hmm, isn’t this the part where you’re supposed to admit that you are jealous—“

 

“I’m not!” Jaebum cuts, but Jinyoung just gives him a disbelieving glare. “Okay, maybe a little. But not much!”

 

Jinyoung laughs, his eyes getting lost at the crescents they have become. Jinyoung looks so beautiful like that, green and red lights lighting him up, but Jaebum needs to stop thinking about devouring him whole and focus.

 

“Markie is Dr. Kang’s nephew. When he was young, he visits her every vacation, which means going to the hospital _which means_ seeing me, her favorite patient,” Jinyoung says, laughing. After a short pause and a quick look at Jaebum’s face, he continues, “I was six when I first met him, and he was eight then. He was so, so quiet, but he has nice smiles and he looks so cute.” Jaebum’s lips involuntarily jut out at the compliment, and Jinyoung stifles back his laugh. “I want to be friends with him, but I don’t know how to get him to talk so I had Jackson do it for me. Though, since I never asked him to come with me to the hospital, they only met after five years. I always mention Markie to him, though.”

 

“I see someone’s so smitten over his hyung—“

 

“By hyung, you mean _you_ , right?” Jinyoung interrupts, and Jaebum shuts up immediately. Smiling triumphantly, Jinyoung gets on with his story and Jaebum wants to surrender himself to the underworld. “You know, Markie doesn’t speak much, but his eyes speak volumes. And he’s very transparent too, so I’ve known immediately when they first met that Jackson would be more than a friend to him.”

 

 “You mean—“

 

“No, they’re not an item,” Jinyoung answers the unspoken question air-quoting the word ‘item’, “…yet. Markie doesn’t want to push himself to Jackson, and Jackson is still so busy trying to deny his feelings for Markie, so I doubt they’d progress in this decade.”

 

“Why would Jackson deny his feelings?”

 

“Bro code and all. Or at least that’s what Jackson tells me.”

 

“Bro code?”

 

Jinyoung hums. “Like, a bro shall not date his bro’s ex.”

 

Jaebum doesn’t even know the bro code shit, and he wants to ask about it, but his mind focuses on one thing: “You dated Mark?”

 

“Yes,” Jinyoung says immediately and nonchalantly, but the crestfallen look on Jaebum’s face got him backpedalling. “I mean, that’s what Jackson thinks! Jesus, Jaebum. Didn’t I tell you I’ve never been in love?”

 

“Fuck, Jinyoung,” Jaebum says, hiding his face on Jinyoung’s neck. “I panicked.”

 

“Can’t blame you, though. I mean, who would say no to dating Mark—“

 

“Park Jinyoung.”

 

Jinyoung chuckles teasingly, his arms wrapping Jaebum in a heat-inducing, nerve-wracking hug. “If only you weren’t so busy trying to kill Markie with your looks, you would have seen him watching Jackson with heart eyes.”

 

\--

 

“Why… are there so many people?”

 

The seven of them are one hour later to Solar’s party that Monday, the female excitedly inviting the rest of Jinyoung’s friends upon seeing them. Jaebum sees she’s exceptionally fond of Mark – Youngjae is out of the list because Youngjae _is_ everyone’s favorite dongsaeng – and that actually riles Jackson, but he says nothing because _Solar-noona is very nice_ and notably, also because _I am not jealous!!!_

Youngjae answers Yugyeom’s question with a chuckle. “She’s basically friends with _everyone_.”

 

“Right,” Jackson says, before pulling the youngest two inside, “let’s go!”

 

Upon seeing their group, Solar immediately hands the youngest kids cups of alcohol, and Jinyoung goes to argue, but really, Solar is actually the epitome of persistence so seconds later, Jinyoung gives up.

 

They scatter around and talk to different people, but Jaebum still keeps his eyes on Jinyoung. Solar tells Jaebum a few moments later, when she feels he’s about to attack a certain Jin for talking to Jinyoung, that no one in the bar will dare touch Jinyoung offensively because she strictly told everyone not to.

 

But apparently, Solar forgot to give the memo that Jaebum is off-limits now, as well.

 

“Hi, babe,” a female voice says as a hand goes to grope Jaebum’s ass. His eyes dart immediately to Jinyoung, whose eyes aren’t on his direction. Though, with the familiar stiffness of his back, Jaebum knows Jinyoung saw.

 

“Hey,” comes the second one minutes later. She’s clad in a tight gray dress with slits that almost reach her pelvis. Her hands come up to touch Jaebum’s jaw, and he shudders visibly. Though with the filthy smile she sports, Jaebum knows she interpreted his shivering in a totally different manner. “Later?” she asks, and Jaebum replies with a curt, “We’ll see.”

 

Every summer, on Solar’s party, Jaebum gets laid at least five times before the party even comes to an end. He’s always looking for someone willing, dragging them into somewhere more private that is almost always the bathroom, and fucks them until they both release. For years, Jaebum had done that, so he’s unexpectedly surprised that he’s no longer feeling the itch to fuck someone, anyone. What irks him right now, as he roams his eyes around the neon-lit bar, is that he can’t seem to find Jinyoung anywhere, and he feels utterly shitty because he shouldn’t have let himself lose sight of the younger.

 

Jaebum is reaching for his phone when he feels someone throw herself on him. At this point, Jaebum is tired of being polite and he’s about to yell in irritation when he sees a familiar face.

 

“Jiyeon.”

 

“Hey,” she greets, before she stands on her tiptoes to kiss Jaebum on the cheek.

 

“I can’t—“ he starts, but Jiyeon interrupts him with a flick on his forehead.

 

“I know about Jinyoung,” she says, effectively shutting Jaebum up. “In case you have forgotten, Suzy and I are friends.” Jaebum’s face must have told Jiyeon that he forgot, because she grins mischievously. “So anyway, I just approached you to greet you, and to ask you to tell Solar that this is an amazing party, as always! I can’t see her, and I’m leaving because my flight is tomorrow, so make sure you tell her that!”

 

After Jiyeon left, who is surprisingly but unexpectedly friends with Solar, Jaebum goes around to look for Jinyoung. He tried the outdoor patio, but the area is filled with younger ones probably of Yugyeom’s age, and he immediately leaves upon seeing a couple literally swapping tongues. Seeing and doing the act are two different things, Jaebum concludes as he takes the flight of stairs that would lead to the second, wider floor of the bar.

 

Jaebum first checks the bar counter, and his shoulders sag in relief when he hears Jackson and Bambam’s banters, fighting about putting too many salt on their plate of fries.

 

“Hey—“

 

Jaebum’s greeting is swallowed greedily by Jinyoung’s mouth covering his own. The kiss reminds Jaebum so much of their first one – with all the teeth and tongues and lip-tugging – except now that their audiences are people who know them both. Jaebum knows Jinyoung is aware of their friends watching them, but that doesn’t stop the younger from tugging Jaebum’s lower lip with his teeth, to which Jaebum groans audibly. They part for a second, before Jinyoung’s hand is pulling Jaebum’s nape down, and Jaebum feels like Jinyoung is devouring him whole—right in front of everyone.

 

When Jinyoung pulls away for a second time to breathe, Jaebum brings his hands up to the younger’s shoulder to push him gently away, because if Jinyoung wants to do this, Jaebum wants no audience. But Jinyoung is unstoppable, his already bruised lips attacking Jaebum again before he could even recuperate, and before Jaebum knows it, Jinyoung’s entire body is flushed against his, their crotches pressed against each other deliciously, and Jaebum can’t help the moan that comes out of his mouth.

 

As he moans, Jinyoung’s hands tighten around his nape, the other one caressing Jaebum’s clothed back, his tongue searching for Jaebum’s, tangling them upon contact. Jinyoung is literally taking his breath away, and as Jaebum opens his eyes to see how Jinyoung looks, he almost comes untouched—Jinyoung’s bangs are matted to his sweaty forehead, his cheeks sporting a dark pink, and his eyes are staring right back into Jaebum’s.

 

There’s that mysterious gaze again that’s equally tempting as it is stunning, and as Jaebum watches himself on Jinyoung’s deep pools, he finds himself lost and breathless at the feeling.

 

It’s Jaebum who pulls away this time, pleased and satisfied at the lewd string of saliva connecting his lips with Jinyoung’s, and he smiles internally when Jinyoung chases his lips again with a pout. Jaebum gives Jinyoung’s pout a final peck, before kissing the younger’s nose, and then he pulls away completely.

 

“Eww,” comes Bambam’s half-hearted comment, and as Jaebum looks at him and Yugyeom, they seem okay. It’s actually Youngjae – and Jackson – who looks mortified.

 

“Hypocrite,” Jinyoung tells his bestfriend before he nuzzles his head on Jaebum’s neck, and Youngjae has to hold Jackson before the latter tackles Jinyoung right on the bar counter.

 

“Okay, that’s too much for tonight. We’ll go get some fries,” Youngjae says as he pulls Jinyoung up, Bambam following suit. And then Jaebum finds himself left with Mark, Jackson, and Yugyeom.

 

“So, you and Jinyoung, huh,” Jackson comments as he hands Jaebum a bright red cocktail. He gulps the drink in one shot before he replies.

 

“We’re not—“

 

“You just kissed the hell out of my bestfriend, and you’re telling me you’re not dating?” Jackson screams, and Jaebum should be nervous except he only smiles in delight when Jackson visibly calms down when Mark holds his arm, pulling him away from Jaebum.

 

“Jacks,” Mark rasps, and Jackson breathes in.

 

“You’re not playing with him, are you?”

 

“Jesus, no. I love Jinyoung.”

 

The three of them stills for a moment and Jaebum doesn’t know what he said or did wrong but he starts to panic until Yugyeom stands up to pat his back.

 

“You just said you love Jinyoung-hyung,” the kid says, and it’s Jaebum’s turn to freeze.

 

Ever since that first day that he woke up with Jinyoung after their huge misunderstanding, Jaebum has never denied his fleeting feelings for Jinyoung. Jaebum feels absurd every time he thinks of butterflies in his stomach whenever Jinyoung smiles at him, or every time he wakes up with the younger in his arms and all he thinks of is a lifetime of domesticity with Jinyoung, but as ridiculous as they may seem, Jaebum is extremely pleased at the feeling, his heart warming at the mere thought of Jinyoung.

 

“I do,” Jaebum blankly repeats, like he’s on autopilot. “I love Jinyoung.” As Jaebum repeats the word, he feels thoroughly content, the confession dripping from his tongue like honey, full of honesty and saccharine.

 

“God, you look disgustingly in love,” Jackson says, exaggeratingly shuddering.

 

“That’s all we need to know,” Mark says, eyes smiling at Jaebum, before handing him a spearmint bubblegum so Jinyoung wouldn’t smell the alcohol in his breath.

 

“I can’t believe I have to witness this gross moment,” Yugyeom says, and it’s him whom Jackson tackles. Jackson might be bulkier and more built than Yugyeom is, but the youngest of them uses his size to his advantage and wrestles back, the two of them going at it for minutes until Solar shrieks from the top of the stairs away from their seats, garnering everyone’s attention.

 

“Suck and Blow, y’all!” Solar slurs with a card on her hand, and Jaebum shakes his head at how drunk she sounds. He doesn’t think anyone will take her seriously, but suddenly people forms a line, and Jaebum finds Youngjae, Bambam, and Jinyoung appear out of nowhere and walk towards them.

 

Solar starts the game, and despite most people’s drunken states, the game becomes fast-paced, and Jaebum sees Youngjae running, sliding between the girl in front of Jaebum and him. Bambam follows suit, pushing himself between Mark and Yugyeom. Jinyoung comes last, and Jaebum is quick to pull the younger between him and Jackson.

 

When Youngjae got the card, Jaebum’s eyes widen at how the card is actually smaller up-close, and Youngjae pulls him close before the card falls from his mouth. It’s actually an easy game, and Jaebum actually wants to drop the paper and just full on kiss Jinyoung, but Jaebum got himself lost at the fast speed of the game, so he just passes the card diligently to Jinyoung. Jackson holds Jinyoung close to get the paper, and if Jaebum got lost on the pace of the game, Mark doesn’t, and he downright drops the card and kisses Jackson instead, and the rest of the room silences at the view.

 

Mark has his hand on Jackson’s fist, and Jaebum sees how Jackson’s free hand is obviously shaking. Mark notices this, so he picks Jackson’s other hand too so it’s resting on his hips. But the deepening kiss apparently encouraged Jackson to go further, and in seconds, he’s groping Mark’s ass, hands wandering freely on the other’s body.

 

When Jaebum sees Jackson’s tongue, he turns himself and Jinyoung around abruptly, covering the latter’s eyes with his palm. Jaebum feels Jinyoung laugh heartily.

 

“I’m watching my best friends make out!” Jinyoung says, but Jaebum just pulls him out of the bar, leaving the rest of the world – and unfortunately their youngest friends, as well – watching two hot guys make out, their jaws flat on the ground.

 

\--

 

Heavier rains pour as July comes to an end, the café now overflowing of customers looking for temporary heat rather than of customers finding something to ease the hangover and drunkenness. It tires Jaebum to serve customers for hours straight, but his smiles are more abundant now and he realizes the pleasant feeling of customers thanking him for the great drink and Jaebum finds himself smiling even more.

 

For the past rainy days, Jaebum hasn’t seen Jinyoung around the café. Mark says Jinyoung gets easily cold, so he always opts to stay in the house as he bundles himself up like a fluffy burrito. Every day, the boys never fail to send Jaebum a photo of him, wrapped around tons of blankets and comforter, and Jaebum feels warm enough to dry up the entire coastline.

 

**To: Jinyoungie**

I miss you.

_Sent 8:49 PM_

It’s a random message that Jaebum sends Jinyoung after serving the most recent order, and before he can even walk back to the counter, he feels his phone buzz.

 

**From: Jinyoungie**

Should I call? :)

_Sent 8:49 PM_

Before Jaebum could reply, however, his phone is already ringing the customized ringtone he has for Jinyoung—a voice recording of Jinyoung repeatedly saying _Jaebummie_ in his aegyo voice.

 

“Hi, baby,” Jaebum says as he answers, and he hears Jinyoung chuckle. Moonbyul and Solar snorts at their stations behind the counter.

 

Jaebum leans at the waiting area beside Moonbyul as he listens to Jinyoung drawl about how yet another lazy day went. He tells about how Bambam cried when he accidentally put cucumber in the salad and rashes started forming on Youngjae’s skin, and Yugyeom started wailing because he thought Youngjae and Bambam would fight.

 

“They’re fine now,” Jinyoung’s mirthful voice says, “though Youngjae’s skin is still a little reddish.”

 

“And how did my Jinyoungie do the entire day?”

 

There’s a pause on the other end, and Jaebum hears Jackson’s cackling voice screaming _You’re blushing, Jinyoung-ah! Tell Jaebum-hyung I said hi!_

Holding back his shit-eating grin, Jaebum asks, “Everything okay?”

 

“Yes—“

 

“Jaebummie-oppa!”

 

Jaebum is unable to hear what Jinyoung is saying when a crowd of girls come rushing inside the café, their umbrellas taking up the space outside. Jaebum smiles at the girls’ smiling greetings, and he talks to them as they excitedly scream at Moonbyul their drinks and cakes all at once.

 

Jaebum is in the middle of listening to Nayeon’s misadventures at Mt. Halla when Solar tugs his arms, mouthing at his phone. He frowns, before taking a glance at his phone and he sees Jinyoung’s photo and—

 

“Shit,” Jaebum says, exiting the café thru the back door as he brings the phone back to his ears. “Jinyoung-ah.”

 

“I’m here,” Jinyoung answers, less enthused and softer than earlier.

 

“I’m sorry, baby,” Jaebum apologizes. “I’m so – wait for me, okay? I’ll just tell Solar I’m leaving—“

 

“Hey,” Jinyoung interrupts, “I’m okay. You don’t have to.”

 

“I want to see you,” Jaebum says automatically, and he hears Jinyoung’s soft gasp. “Jinyoung-ah.”

 

“Look, I’ll see you tomorrow, okay? I’m about to sleep, anyway.”

 

Rejected, Jaebum sighs. “Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

 

\--

 

**To: Youngjae-ah**

Youngjae-ah, how’s Jinyoung?

_Sent 9:01 PM_

**To: Jackson**

Jackson-ah, how’s Jinyoung?

_Sent 9:10 PM_

**From: Jackson**

Get some rest, Jaebum-hyung.

_Sent 9:21 PM_

 

**From: Jackson**

He’s okay. Don’t worry too much!!!

_Sent 9:22 PM_

**From: Jackson**

And he’s not mad… if that’s what you’re thinking. :) :) :) :)

_Sent 9:30 PM_

 

**To: Jackson**

Thank you, Jackson. Good night.

_Sent 9:31 PM_

 

\--

 

**From: Kunpimook**

TT________________TT

_Sent 3:42 AM_

**From: Kunpimook**

Did you and Jinyoung-hyung fight? TT________________TT

_Sent 3:43 AM_

**From: Kunpimook**

HE JUST GOT HOME AND HE’S SUPER DRUNK TT_____________TT

_Sent 3:43 AM_

**From: Kunpimook**

TT____________________TT

_Sent 3:44 AM_

**From: Yugyeom-ah**

You do know that Jinyoung-hyung is extremely possessive and jealous, right?

_Sent 3:51 AM_

 

**From: Yugyeom-ah**

If you don’t, then I’m telling you he is.

_Sent 3:52 AM_

 

\--

 

It’s nearly eleven am when Jaebum wakes up and stumbles with his phone, his heart almost combusting at the messages he missed. As Jaebum reads the last of Yugyeom’s messages, he realizes he has never regretted sleeping early until last night.

 

After taking a quick shower, Jaebum decides to skip going to the café for some food for the guys and just head straight to Jinyoung’s place, fright and panic attacking him in scary amounts all at once. But fate seems to have a different plan of its own, a trick to wreak havoc into Jaebum because as soon as he opens the huge wooden door, he feels a harsh push on his chest, slamming him back onto the door that closes on impact.

 

“Jinyoung—“

 

Jaebum loses capability to speak as Jinyoung takes and swallows his voice, his lips bruising and biting Jaebum’s, hard enough that Jaebum thinks he tastes the tang of copper of his blood. Jinyoung pulls away for a second for a huff of air, but is quickly crashing their lips together again, backing Jaebum up at the door, and Jaebum finds himself clutching at the back of Jinyoung’s shirt for support. Jinyoung continues his brash kissing, and Jaebum stays pliant and submissive beneath Jinyoung.

 

Minutes later and they are both harshly panting, Jinyoung’s dark gaze piercing straight into Jaebum’s, and there’s an overwhelming mix of emotions in the younger’s gaze that Jaebum can’t name.

 

Caught in his deep thoughts, it catches Jaebum off-guard when Jinyoung pulls Jaebum away from the door, his hands gripping Jaebum’s shoulders and Jaebum knows there’d be blooming abstract of bruises in his skin. Jinyoung is exceptionally grabby today, and Jaebum can’t breathe long enough to ask what’s going on as Jinyoung scrambles off his feet. Jaebum is quick to put his hands on Jinyoung’s backside for support, the younger’s legs wrapping tightly around his waist and arms around his neck. Jaebum feels lightheaded at the proximity of their crotches. He lets out an obscene moan, and he feels Jinyoung’s tongue sneak inside at the opportunity.

 

It is Jaebum who’s in his feet, but Jinyoung is the one guiding them as they stumble past the threshold and into the living room. Jaebum walks them backwards, Jinyoung’s lips going from his own to his sweating neck, sucking purples and pinks on his flesh.

 

And then Jinyoung’s hands are inside Jaebum’s shirt, tracing his spine and testing the strength of the sinew of muscles, and Jaebum’s knees buckle. Fortunately for the two of them, the couch is near and Jaebum puts Jinyoung on the backrest of the long seat, leaning down to return the stomach-stirring, exhilarating kiss.

 

“Jinyoung,” Jaebum rasps moments later, seemingly at a great loss of oxygen. Jinyoung looks up at Jaebum, his cheeks red hot and his lips swollen and abused, a poppy red. What got Jaebum panicking, however, is how glassy Jinyoung’s wide eyes look. “Baby, what’s wrong?”

 

“None,” Jinyoung says, but his lips quiver with repressed sobs that Jaebum is quick to catch, and he holds Jinyoung’s shoulders despite the aching and pulsing he feels between his legs.

 

“What’s wrong?” Jaebum asks gently. Jinyoung shakes his head and a tear falls from his eyes. Jinyoung looks away, but Jaebum holds him steady with both hands. “Jinyoung.”

 

“There’s nothing wrong,” Jinyoung replies sternly, before attacking Jaebum’s lips in a strenuous kiss once more. Jaebum gives in for a moment, letting Jinyoung suck and lap at his lips like the younger is in dire need, before he pulls away, holding Jinyoung back.

 

“Then what is it that you want?” Jaebum’s voice is still soft, like he’s talking to a kid who might cry at any moment, who might break down at one wrong word.

 

“What I want?” Jinyoung asks, mouth quirking in an electrifying grin, and Jaebum feels his hands travel in his torso. “I want you…,” Jinyoung says, lapping at Jaebum’s neck, “to fuck me.”

 

Jaebum wonders since when Jinyoung has become this crude and crass, but he is given no time to recover from his shock when Jinyoung continues speaking.

 

“I want you to fuck me here on the couch,” the younger says, biting at the mark he made on Jaebum’s clavicle, “on the kitchen counter,” he adds, pulling the neckline of Jaebum’s shirt to give him more skin to suck, “on the floor, in your room, at the bathroom.” Every place Jinyoung says is punctuated by a lascivious moan, and Jaebum doesn’t think he’d even last long. “I want you to fuck me by the wall, hike me up the glass windows and split me in half,” Jinyoung’s breath is becoming ragged by the second, and Jaebum thinks his heart drops at every word. “I want you to fuck me raw and unprepared, to fuck me smooth and wet, and to fuck me hard I see stars.”

 

There are beads of sweat trickling down Jinyoung’s flushed face, mixing with the hot tears that spill from his eyes. Jaebum stares, hard and intent, his dark ones searching for something in the younger’s core, searching for the secrets that lie behind every request.

 

Jinyoung takes Jaebum’s short-term pause as something negative, like Jaebum isn’t thinking how to make Jinyoung a wreck, a moaning mess beneath him. It might scare Jinyoung how badly Jaebum wants to do as he says, because Jaebum finds himself drowning at the mere images that form in his head on Jinyoung’s requests.

 

“You don’t want to?” Jinyoung snaps, and then there’s another flood of hot tears wetting his face, but Jinyoung stops himself from faltering, his gaze daunting. “Why? Because I’m not interesting enough? Because I don’t wear tight-fitting dresses with slits that reach my neck?” At this point, Jinyoung is already clutching the neck of Jaebum’s shirt tightly, pulling him closer, his eyes challenging. “Tell me! Because you don’t find me attractive and interesting enough to fuck unlike those people you pick up on bars and parties?”

 

Jaebum gawks at Jinyoung, and he finds himself forgetting the pain he feels at how Jinyoung disregarded his emotions, because right in front of his eyes, Jinyoung looks downright wounded and hurt, like it physically pained him to utter the words he just said. None of them are true, especially the part where Jinyoung said that he’s not interested enough, and Jaebum wants to tell Jinyoung how he wrongly took him, but Jaebum feels voiceless, Jinyoung’s upset demeanor hitting him like a physical blow, and he feels extremely shitty for making Jinyoung feel like this.

 

“Jinyoung-ah,” Jaebum breathes, soft and benign, his gaze straight on Jinyoung. “I could’ve fucked you, at the hood of my car, that day I met you. You were so covered back then – you were clad warmly in white turtleneck and black pants – but I’ve thought of bending you over my car and take you there and then. But then—“ Jaebum stops and takes a sharp breath, his mind reeling back at their first meeting, before he continues, “—but then you smiled your blinding smile and all I could think of was, _how the hell would I fix the internal turmoil in my head_? I malfunctioned completely when your lips curved into a breathtaking smile, and then the next thing I knew, I’m hardly praying to all gods for them to let me see your smile again. For me to see your crescent eyes again. For me to…,” Jaebum trails, lifting his thumbs and wiping Jinyoung’s tears away and kissing his lids, before he finishes, “…for me to see you again.”

 

Jinyoung gapes at him, his mouth opened in shock and his hands unmoving. And then he heaves out a deep exhale, and the next Jaebum sees is how Jinyoung’s beautiful face becomes a mess of tears and snots.

 

Despite the waterworks his face has become, Jaebum still finds Jinyoung utterly attractive, his attention monopolized by the younger clutched onto him. He could spend all his life just staring at Jinyoung in all his forms – even now, with snots and all – but Jaebum is pulled from his trance when Jinyoung suddenly lets loose of his hold on him, instead clutching his chest.

 

“Jinyoung,” Jaebum calls calmly, even when all he wants to do is scream his lungs out as Jinyoung breathes raggedly.

 

“I’m okay,” Jinyoung quips with a smile, but Jaebum isn’t blind not to see him pull his words from his mouth with difficulty, his eyes shut tightly. Jinyoung’s breathing becomes more uneven, and Jaebum envelops Jinyoung’s hand clutching his chest, only to feel how irregular his heart beats, coming in short and quick pace.

 

Jaebum hugs Jinyoung slowly, his hands wrapping around Jinyoung tenderly. He feels Jinyoung’s palm flat on his back, the younger’s face nuzzled on his chest, and Jaebum guides Jinyoung to a breathing exercise to bring his heart beat to a normal speed, to stop the palpitation of his chest. Jinyoung obediently follows every inhale and exhale instruction, his hands clutching Jaebum, and it takes more than a few minutes before Jinyoung is breathing normally again.

 

Jaebum has never felt so emotionally exhausted.

 

“Better?”

 

“It doesn’t hurt now,” Jinyoung says, his voice small and almost drowsy, and Jaebum sighs in relief.

 

“Let’s bring you upstairs, hm?” Jinyoung hums quietly, and Jaebum lifts him up from the backrest of the couch, carrying him princess-style. Jinyoung gingerly wraps his arms on Jaebum’s neck, before Jaebum feels his warm breath at his neck, the younger nestling his head on Jaebum’s skin.

 

In his room, Jaebum carefully puts Jinyoung down at the edge of his bed, the younger’s legs dangling and kicking from his position, and Jaebum feels him watching his movements as he shuffles inside his room to get Jinyoung something to eat from the mini-fridge.

 

“Your back looks so dependable,” Jinyoung comments while Jaebum is bent down, and he looks back at the younger, his brows furrowed. “How many people have back-hugged you already?”

 

Jaebum freezes from his spot, and then he scurries to Jinyoung in panic, food long forgotten. “Jinyoung-ah.”

 

“I’m just curious,” Jinyoung says, his eyes smiling. “And go get me food, I’m hungry.”

 

“Yeah, yeah,” Jaebum says, striding back to the fridge and cursing silently when he sees he left the refrigerator door open. His friends would throw a party in delight when they see how a dongsaeng can turn Jaebum into a fumbling mess with one question.

 

“Why are you dressed, anyways? Not that I dislike your tight jeans,” Jinyoung asks, his face furrowed in concentration.

 

Jaebum grunts at his choice of clothes, his white tank top and jeans a little dull in comparison to Jinyoung’s yellow shirt and white shorts. “I was about to see you when you – uhm, when you waltzed in.”

 

Jinyoung nods childishly, his closed-lip smile equally cute and scary, because not even Jaebum could know what might come out of his pursed lips.

 

“You have a nice ass,” Jinyoung says, the nonchalance in his voice catching Jaebum off-guard. “How many people—“

 

“ _Jinyoung-ah._ ”

 

“I’m just curious!” Jinyoung shrieks. Jaebum glares at him. “Fine, just give me a range? Forty to fifty, or—“

 

“Does it matter?” Jaebum interrupts, and Jinyoung gawks at him, eyes wide and jaws dropped. “I’m curious,” he adds, winking at Jinyoung for effect.

 

“Maybe. Maybe not,” Jinyoung replies, his voice teasing. As Jaebum picks up the final bottles of milkshakes for the two of them, he knows that Jinyoung is sporting a smug grin even without him seeing it.

 

“If I promise you’d be my last with everything, would my number even matter?”

 

“Yah!” Jinyoung yells, loud and reverberating.

 

When Jaebum turns around to walk back to him, he sees Jinyoung’s shoulders shaking. Almost running, Jaebum reaches Jinyoung in record speed and puts all of the foods down, squatting in front of Jinyoung to level his eyes. “Hey.”

 

“I thought,” Jinyoung says, wiping the snot off his face recklessly, “I thought you don’t like me.” Each sob and tear makes Jaebum want to protect Jinyoung even more, to protect him like he never did anyone in his life, and he makes a mental vow of not making Jinyoung cry a tear again. Because an upset Jinyoung is not someone Jaebum wants to see again. It’s like every hiccup and sob splits his heart like a butcher’s knife, unforgiving and hard.

 

“But Jinyoung-ah,” Jaebum says, heart frantically beating. “I—“ _love you_ , Jaebum wants to say, but he settles with, “I – I more than like you.”

 

Jinyoung smiles his blinding smile again, like Jaebum is holding is happiness and his entire universe, and he needs nothing more than seeing Jinyoung’s face glowing with delight.

 

\--

 

By nine pm, the solitude and silence that Jaebum and Jinyoung enjoyed for the whole day is bothered by loud knocks on the wooden door. Jaebum frowns and turns to Jinyoung, because the knocks won’t probably be from Solar because she has keys. Though before Jinyoung could respond, an even louder scream accompanies the knocks.

 

“It’s Jackson!”

 

“You think he’d leave if we ignore him?”

 

Jinyoung chuckles, kissing Jaebum’s cheek before he stumbles on his feet. “I doubt it.”

 

When Jinyoung comes back up again, Jaebum sees a glinting grin curving up his lips, and he frowns in wonder until he sees Jackson _and_ Mark behind Jinyoung.

 

“Were you two on a date?” Jaebum asks as Jinyoung perches himself on his lap, and Jaebum’s arms reflexively wraps around his waist. “Congrats.”

 

“We were,” Mark replies as he takes a seat on the bed, leaving Jackson standing in the middle of the room profusely blushing. “And thank you.”

 

“Come here, Jacks. You can sit on Markie’s lap too if you’d like—“

 

“Why don’t you sit on him yourself!” Jackson yells, opting to sit on the stool beside the bed and sulk.

 

“Well, okay,” Jinyoung replies, moving from Jaebum’s lap to Mark’s. When Jackson turns with a horrified expression on them, Jaebum covers his mouth with his hands to stifle back his laughter.

 

“I’m kidding, you asshole,” Jackson says and in seconds, he’s pushing Jinyoung off and away from Mark to sit on the elder’s lap sulkily, murmuring something about traitor bestfriends and unfaithful boyfriends.

 

The night passes quietly by, the four of them huddled under a huge blanket as they dive on ice creams of different flavors and pizzas of different toppings. After calling for delivery earlier, Jackson played with the air-conditioner and put it on a very low temperature, and now it’s gotten a lot colder inside, but everyone’s too lazy to reach the remote of the AC to change the temperature.

 

“I’m going to die a virgin,” Jackson mumbles after Jinyoung shoveled a spoonful of ice cream in his face. “It’s fucking cold.”

 

“Whose fault do you think is it?” Jinyoung says from his place, his legs tangled with Jaebum’s. “Sex will make you sweat, go,” Jinyoung suggests a little later, his eyes straight on the TV. Jaebum chokes on his pizza, and Jinyoung pats his back soothingly. If he’s oblivious of the effect his words had on Jaebum, Jaebum wouldn’t know from his innocent, relaxed face.

 

“You’re so crass, Jinyoung-ah,” Mark comments, his voice unfaltering. Though when Jaebum chances a glance from him who’s on the other side of the bed, his crimson cheeks betray him.

 

“I thought he’s so innocent,” Jaebum says, giving his two cents in the conversation.

 

“He’s _always_ been so crass,” Jackson says. And then Jaebum sees mischief dancing in his eyes, before he adds, “Did you, Jaebum-hyung, know that Jinyoung called you—“

 

Jinyoung places his tub of ice cream on Mark’s hand and stands on his knees, hands covering Jaebum’s ears and eyes killing Jackson. “You wouldn’t dare.”

 

“—sex on feet!” Nobody says Jackson is unstoppable, or _interrupt-able_ , for that matter, because even Jinyoung is powerless against him at times.

 

There is an uproar of laughter after Jackson finishes, the best friends jumping and walking on the bed to fight for their lives. Jaebum watches the two of them play with fond eyes, and when he turns his eyes on Mark, he knows he’s not the only one who’s smitten and madly in love.

 

Minutes later and Jinyoung and Jackson are haphazardly sprawled on the bed, the other’s feet on the other’s face. Jaebum moves to cover them in blanket, and after attempting with difficulty, the two are back in their respective places between him and Mark, Jinyoung’s head under Jaebum’s armpit.

 

“I feel like I’m going to die soon,” Jinyoung says, Jaebum’s body muffling his words.

 

“You can’t handle the cold now?” Jaebum asks, and when Jinyoung doesn’t respond, he adds, “Move a bit, I’m going to change the temp—“

 

“No,” Jinyoung cuts, his voice small and his arms tightening their grip around Jaebum. Beside them, Mark and Jackson stops whatever it is they are doing, Jackson even letting go from his hug with Mark to face Jinyoung fully.

 

“Shit, no,” Jackson mutters, and Mark gently runs his hands on Jackson’s arms.

 

Before Jaebum could ask why Jackson looks so mortified, Jinyoung continues, “I don’t want to die here.”

 

“Jinyoung-ah, no one’s dying,” Mark says, his voice comforting both Jinyoung and Jackson.

 

Jinyoung pointedly ignores Mark to gaze up at Jaebum, and the raw fragility in his eyes got Jaebum freezing. “Would you fly back with us to Seoul tonight?”

 

Jaebum’s heart is erratically beating, his eyes searching for something in Jinyoung’s eyes—something that would tell Jaebum that this is a big joke, a prank that he and Jackson plotted and he shouldn’t take anything seriously. But all he sees in Jinyoung’s eyes is his trembling fear, and he and Jackson looks like they would burst out in tears any second. Mark holds Jackson closer, tighter, when Jinyoung mutters his next words.

 

“Is it too selfish of me if I want to die in your embrace?”

 

“Not too selfish,” Mark replies when Jaebum couldn’t, “more like, too sappy.” Mark gives Jinyoung’s head a pat, Jinyoung giving him back a timid smile, and Jaebum stays unmoving.

 

That night, Jaebum sees Jackson cry like he has never seen him before, the seven of them book the earliest flight with not much word exchanged between them, and as Jinyoung leans his head on Jaebum’s shoulder and intertwines their hands together in their seats as the plane takes off, Jaebum feels himself breaking, dying.


	3. Autumn

“Jaebummie.”

 

“Hm?”

 

“If, say, in a hypothetical situation where I’m healthy without a life-threatening sickness, would you marry me?”

 

Jaebum hasn't met that many dying people in his life, but his dad once said that as people feel their end coming, feel like they’re seeing the light and someone – an angel, perhaps – might take them soon, endless possibilities enter their minds. Endless _what ifs_ and endless thoughts of paths not taken. Not that Jaebum keeps on thinking that Jinyoung is dying, but with his day to day thoughts of _what if I’m not dying_ and his numerous hypothetical situations, Jaebum can’t put his mind at ease. It’s like Jinyoung has long accepted his fate, but Jaebum doesn’t even know where to keep his grip so Jinyoung won’t slip.

 

They’re at Jinyoung’s room – everyone has been staying and hanging around since Jinyoung’s emergency flight home a few weeks ago – and Jaebum moves his eyes around. Bambam, Yugyeom, and Youngjae are playing with Jaebum’s camera and taking photos around which are mostly of Bambam’s nose; Jackson is sprawled on Mark’s lap like dog in need of ardent heat as the elder surfs channels; and he and Jinyoung are on his bed, the younger leaning beside Jaebum as he plays with the Bart Polaroid camera that Jinyoung surprisingly found cute. Jinyoung lifts his hands up and takes a photo of himself, and Jaebum shakes his head endearingly before bringing his gaze back at his laptop, hands busy as he moves the cursor around the screen and takes his courses for the Fall semester.

 

“Im Jaebum,” Jinyoung says sternly a little later, his eyes intent on the Polaroid.

 

“Yes, _Jinyoung-hyung_?” Jaebum mocks, and Jinyoung giggles.

 

“My question needs an answer.”

 

Jaebum ignores him as he announces, “Should I take the Renaissance Arts class or the Calculus class?” The five boys say _Calculus class!_ in chorus, and Jaebum thanks them as he clicks on the Advanced Calculus III class, before squinting his eyes at his schedule. Then, facing Jinyoung, he smiles, “I’d marry you now if you want.”

 

Jinyoung blushes hard, and Bambam and Youngjae hoot.

 

“That is the most unromantic proposal _ever_ ,” Yugyeom snickers.

 

At Yugyeom’s comment, Jackson jolts up. “Who proposed? Who? Who? _Who?_ ”

 

Bambam gives Jackson a deep eye-roll before focusing the lenses of the camera on the holes of Youngjae’s nose. “If you weren’t so into your own world with Mark-hyung, you’d know.”

 

“Why is Jinyoung allowed to be so in love with Jaebum-hyung and I’m not?” Jackson says, flailing his hands like penguin flaps. Mark’s cheeks are burning, a hot pink shade on his pale skin, but he keeps his cool as he continues watching the TV.

 

Jackson continues ranting stuff about favoritisms and imparities, and Bambam keeps his snarky comments coming his way. Yugyeom watches them amusedly, but Youngjae runs away from the fiasco and plops himself on the bed, watching as Jaebum clicks on a European Literature class.

 

“Oh, you’re doing your thesis already,” Youngjae comments as he munches on the cheese sticks that Jinyoung left somewhere on the bed, his eyes trained on a class in Jaebum’s schedule. “Ah, Jaebum-hyung, you’re finally graduating.”

 

“Yeah,” Jaebum says, patting Youngjae’s black fluff of hair. “Two more semesters, Youngjae-ah.”

 

Jinyoung maneuvers himself so he’s fully laid on top of Youngjae. He opens his mouth so Youngjae would feed him, his hands busy texting Myungsoo in Jaebum’s phone. “What’s your plan after graduation?”

 

In a blink, Jaebum says without hesitation, “Marry you.” The answer is quick and confident, and the smile that spreads on Jinyoung’s beautiful face tells Jaebum he said the answer that Jinyoung is expecting. The moment is interrupted when Youngjae noisily chokes, and Jinyoung chuckles adorably as he pulls his eyes away from him.

 

“I’d probably take a tour. Visit England. France. Maybe Greece, too. I’d like to see the Caldera. And Japan, I want to check out Hokkaido and Osaka.” Jaebum has so many things he wants to do before he settles in Seoul and takes the job on a production company that one of his professors own, has been wanting to at least hold one exhibit of his own in one of the galleries in Gwangju or Seoul. His future has been clear and planned on his head—it is ideal and exciting. As Jaebum gets the thoughts in his head a few years back, he feels content—content, but not happy. It’s ideal, but not what Jaebum’s heart completely yearns.

 

The bed dips as Jinyoung returns on the bed with Youngjae’s water in his hands, and Jaebum’s eyes dart on him. _Jinyoung_. The thoughts of having Jinyoung by his side, their hands entwined as they take a leap across continents, make the images on Jaebum’s mind happier, more ideal. With Jinyoung, Jaebum has never felt so complete, like he needs nothing more but the younger’s presence.

 

“You’d leave me?” Jinyoung teases, but Jaebum catches the lonesome tone on the younger’s words. After completing his units and publishing his schedule, Jaebum closes his laptop and ignores Youngjae as he leans across the bed and kisses Jinyoung full on his mouth, the soft attack surprising and unexpected, but most definitely not unwelcomed. Jinyoung yelps, Youngjae covers his eyes with his hands, and Jaebum holds Jinyoung’s neck gently as he kisses him deeper and more passionate.

 

“I’d never,” Jaebum murmurs, pecking Jinyoung’s lips one last time before he stands up. “I’d bring you with me everywhere I go.”

 

“Even on the toilet?” Bambam shrieks, and Jinyoung throws the water bottle on his head.

 

\--

 

“How’s Jinyoung?”

 

Jaebum shrugs his shoulders as he shakes his shoes off his feet, and Myungsoo frowns at him. Plopping himself on the couch and laying his papers on the couch carefully, Jaebum gives another response, “He’s doing better.”

 

Enrollment is quick—Jaebum only needed less than a week away from Jinyoung before he settles his papers and documents for the semester. Myungsoo has taken almost the same classes as Jaebum (except the Calculus one because _who the hell takes a fucking calculus class along his thesis?_ ), so their schedules are mostly the same. Going back and forth on campus to look for advisers and directors to sign on their papers is tiring, but Jaebum feels like this week had been the lightest week he had since summer.

 

For the past weeks, Jaebum hadn’t been on their apartment as he has become a constant presence on the Park’s household. He calls Myungsoo once in a while to tell his best friend how he’d like to break down and die because seeing Jinyoung flinching and screaming in pain isn’t something he fancies, and Myungsoo has been understanding and stays with him on the phone all through the night.

 

Since they went back to Seoul from Jeju, Jaebum has never felt at ease. Jinyoung’s biweekly visit on the hospital has become weekly, and his frequently coming arrhythmia never helped Jaebum rest, either. Jaebum is far from complaining; it’s just that he’s scared and frightened and on the verge of internally dying. Waking up to Jinyoung’s soft and pained calls of his name during one am on an almost daily basis tires Jaebum to no limit, but he can’t seem to find sleep either as he watches Jinyoung’s chest rising and falling in an uneven manner.

 

“Yeah, he’s doing better,” Jaebum repeats, his eyes staring blankly at the wall opposite them.

 

“Are you telling me that, or are you convincing yourself that he is?”

 

Jaebum heaves a deep sigh. Propping his elbows on his knees, he rubs his face repeatedly with his palms. “I don’t want to lose him,” Jaebum chokes.

 

“I know,” Myungsoo says, patting Jaebum on his back. “But that’s not for you to decide, is it?”

 

“I guess.”

 

“I’d like to see you miserable like a businessman who lost a big part of his stocks, but you look like you’d die any moment so I guess I should just kick you out of here and into Jinyoung’s place, yeah?”

 

Jaebum elbows Myungsoo painfully, his bestfriend yelping in pain. “Asshole.”

 

Myungsoo laughs exuberantly, which Jaebum ignores as he packs his clothes on a duffel bag. Jaebum told Jinyoung that he’d be back in a week, so he’d surprise the younger when he arrives at his house that has, somehow, become Jaebum’s own. Indefinitely.

 

Myungsoo is nowhere to be seen when Jaebum gets out of his room, but as he removes his socks to slip on a pair of flip-flops, Myungsoo jumps on Jaebum’s back, effectively having both of them to stumble on the shoe racks.

 

“What the fuck!” Jaebum grunts, and Myungsoo ignores him as he picks himself up from Jaebum.

 

“Hey, would you mind giving this to Jinyoung?”

 

“I would,” Jaebum frowns as he takes the envelope from Myungsoo. It’s a big, light brown envelope, and it feels light, though Jaebum feels something firmer than paper inside. “Is there a folder inside?”

 

“A clipboard,” Myungsoo replies, walking backwards towards the living area. “I’m telling Jinyoung to break up with you if he receives my package unsealed.”

 

Jaebum snorts. “We’re not even a couple to start with.”

 

“Said who? Said you and Jinyoung?” Myungsoo cackles annoyingly. “Why are you two the last to know that you’re together?”

 

“Because we’re not,” Jaebum says, turning the door knob.

 

“But you’re—“

 

“We’re not fucking!” Jaebum screams loudly, and Myungsoo gives his I-don’t-fucking-believe-you smug look. “Ugh, I’m leaving,” he grumbles. He closes the door to muffle Myungsoo’s irritating, loud laugh.

 

\--

 

Noise welcomes Jaebum as he parks his car in front of Jinyoung’s house.

 

It’s already past eight pm when Jaebum arrives, the car of Jinyoung’s parents already parked inside. Jinyoung’s father is the first he sees when he gets inside, and he bows respectfully at him before he looks for Jinyoung’s mom, whom he sees is pulling out a batch of freshly baked cookies.

 

“Ah, I did not know you are coming,” Mrs. Park says, eyes wrinkling the same way Jinyoung’s eyes do when he smiles. “They had been screaming at each other since we arrived, and I do not even know why.”

 

“Maybe Jinyoung’s talking them into some mischief again,” Jaebum says, smiling dutifully at the old lady.

 

“Sounds like him,” she says, eyes smiling. “Would you mind bringing the cookies upstairs? It would probably silence them.” Jaebum nods, and she sends him upstairs with the cookies and two cartons of milk.

 

As Jaebum takes the flight of stairs, Jackson’s and Yugyeom’s voices get louder, and he hears Youngjae softly butting in, shushing the two boys. Jackson is screaming something about hard-headed and stubborn friends, and Jaebum can’t pinpoint whom he refers to.

 

Slowly pushing the door open, Jaebum hears Jinyoung say, “I’m not asking for anyone’s permission. I’m just letting you all know.”

 

So it’s Jinyoung that’s making Jackson freak out. Typical.

 

“About what?” Jaebum says, and he watches as everyone freezes on their spots—including Jinyoung.

 

“Jaebummie,” Jinyoung whispers from his place. He’s sitting cross-legged on the foot of his bed, his arms going down from being crossed against his chest.

 

“What are you all shouting about?” Jaebum asks, clueless. He crosses the room so he’s standing beside Jinyoung who immediately stands on his toes to kiss Jaebum’s forehead. Jaebum smiles timidly before kissing his lips. “So?” he prods no one in particular.

 

None of the boys speak, so Jaebum looks at Mark expectantly. Unsurprisingly, Mark shrugs but opens his mouth for an answer. “Jinyoung wants to enroll for the Fall semester,” he simply quips.

 

Jaebum nods solemnly, and Jinyoung hugs him gratefully. “What courses would you enroll?” he asks as he takes a seat on the bed, Jinyoung sliding gingerly on his lap.

 

“Hm, some classical Chinese literary class, and—“

 

“You’re letting him?” Jackson squeaks in disbelief the same time Yugyeom yells disapprovingly, “You shouldn’t let him!”

 

Mark eyes Jackson pointedly, who hugs himself protectively as he sulks beside Yugyeom. Realizing that Jackson won’t be speaking any time soon, it’s Yugyeom who speaks on his behalf.

 

“Paper works would tire him. Shouldn’t we all just make him rest and focus on his medication? He would be taking more than literary courses,” Yugyeom says, before he turns to Jinyoung. “Aren’t you required to take a few science courses? And math, too! Studying for those courses would take so much of your time, and before we all know it, we’d see you here pale and unconscious.” Yugyeom finishes with a huff.

 

Jaebum considers Yugyeom’s points, and he chances a glance at Jinyoung. He sees the younger looking up at him with hopeful eyes, and Jaebum doesn’t have the heart to say no to him. He turns his gaze to Mark for rescue, but Mark shrugs at him, silently telling him _it’s up to you_.

 

Personally, Jaebum wants Jinyoung to proceed with his life and live normally. His mom tells him that how the people around you treat you greatly affects how you treat yourself as well. Jaebum always tells Jinyoung that he’s fine, that he’ll live longer than he thinks, and Jaebum vows to treat Jinyoung the way that would make him feel alive and not different.

 

Compromising with Yugyeom and Jackson, Jaebum says softly, “We’d visit Dr. Kang tomorrow and if she gives us a go signal, then we’re letting Jinyoung.”

 

Jackson wants to complain and haggle, but Mark stops him with a look and he just huffs, and Yugyeom nods. Jinyoung tightens his hug on Jaebum’s neck and nuzzles closer.

 

\--

 

“This has been your best check-up result the whole summer,” Dr. Kang says from behind her table, eyes covered by glasses trained on the clipboard with Jinyoung’s records.

 

“All I ever do is stay in my bed and read books,” Jinyoung says, struggling to pull down his shirt on his head. Jaebum has to avert his eyes away and on Dr. Kang instead before he jumps on Jinyoung.

 

“And cuddle?” Dr. Kang tells Jinyoung teasingly, eyes on Jaebum. Fortunately for Jinyoung, his face is hidden behind his shirt; unfortunately for Jaebum, the doctor catches his eyes and sees him get all flustered.

 

“Yeah,” Jinyoung admits meekly. After a minute, Jinyoung exhales loudly as he gets his head out of the shirt, and he takes a seat across Dr. Kang as he gets his arms on the sleeves. “Seonsaengnim, I have a question.”

 

“Mhmm?”

 

“I can enroll for this semester, right?”

 

Dr. Kang frowns fondly at Jinyoung. Jaebum has his eyebrows up. “Of course. I don’t see anything wrong with that.”

 

Jinyoung shots a victorious look at Jaebum, and he shakes his head lovingly at the younger. Leaning against the windows, Jaebum smiles. “Of course.”

 

Still grinning widely, Jinyoung returns his gaze at Dr. Kang. “Eh, seonsangnim, how much exercise am I allowed?”

 

At this, Jaebum stands up straight. “You never said anything about taking a Physical Ed class.”

 

“That’s why I’m asking, right?” Jinyoung sasses. “Seonsaengnim?”

 

“What activities do you have in mind, sweetheart?”

 

“Say, bowling,” Jinyoung says, “and archery?”

 

“Archery is fine, and bowling can be tiring if you go on for hours. Just watch yourself, okay? I don’t want to prohibit you from any exercises because the lack thereof could harm you as well.”

 

“I see, I see,” Jinyoung nods solemnly, but Jaebum sees in his eyes that he has more in mind.

 

“He’s not allowed to do football, right?” Jaebum says. Jinyoung looks at Jaebum with an accusing glare. Every time they go for a walk around Jinyoung’s area and he sees the kids playing football in the nearby middle school, Jaebum has to pull Jinyoung away from the metal railings before the younger jump up on them and play with the kids.

 

“No, I’m afraid not. Football would be too much.” Jaebum laughs and lifts his left brow meaningfully at Jinyoung. Though there’s still this depth on Jinyoung’s eyes that Jaebum couldn’t see through. “Anything else?”

 

“Sex?” Jinyoung asks almost inaudibly. Jaebum isn’t drinking nor is he eating, but he chokes so hard he’s almost crying. Jinyoung is unfazed in his seat, and Dr. Kang smiles warmly at them both.

 

Still sporting that welcoming and knowing smile, Dr. Kang mutters, “It depends, actually. Doing the deed can be a little… strenuous.”

 

“Oh, I see,” Jinyoung says as he nods absentmindedly but considers his doctor’s words deeply.

 

Dr. Kang continues, “As your doctor, I wouldn’t recommend it. But, Jinyoung-ah, I don’t want to rob you of things that your heart wants.” Jinyoung is biting at his fingernail, but is still nodding at Dr. Kang all the same. And then she finishes, “Just… take it slow and with utmost care, okay?” It doesn’t seem like she’s talking to Jinyoung anymore, because her gaze is lingering on Jaebum. With crimson cheeks, Jaebum still nods all the same.

 

\--

 

Jaebum is not a saint to claim himself to be the epitome of celibacy, nor is he a hypocrite to say that he never had images of him and Jinyoung actually doing _it_. Jaebum had an active sex life before he met Jinyoung—he got laid on a regular basis and had never felt the need to jerk himself off on his own. During the days, it was like Jaebum had a placard hung on his neck that said _COME FOR SOME FUCK_ , but things have drastically changed when Jinyoung happened to Jaebum.

 

Jinyoung is an attractively alluring person with a slender neck to drool for and an amazing ass to die for, and Jaebum is never exempted from his charms. Every time Jinyoung smiles innocently and charmingly at Jaebum, he feels the familiar warmth in his chest and he’s always on the verge of kissing the smile away, especially when the guileless smile turns into a foxy grin and all Jaebum wants is to cover the younger’s mouth with his own and swallow whatever retorts Jinyoung plans on throwing his way.

 

Jaebum has thought of taking Jinyoung raw and rough, of taking him by the wall and by the door and on his bed. It’s not that Jaebum doesn’t have any other form of release, but with Jinyoung, it’s getting more and more frustrating and depressing, especially on times when the younger slips between Jaebum’s legs or perches himself on Jaebum’s lap. It’s torture.

 

“Jaebum-hyung!”

 

Jaebum flinches from his seat when he hears Jackson and Bambam’s high-pitch shriek of his name, and he rubs the bridge of his nose in stress. Beside him, he feels a body shake, and he turns to see Jinyoung gazing up at him and giggling.

 

“Will you please pay attention?” Jinyoung murmurs, smirking, and Jaebum flicks his forehead. “Jackson is saying something about a surprise for Youngjae’s birthday.”

 

“Youngjae?” Jaebum says loudly, frowning. “Doesn’t your birthday come first?” he adds, throwing Mark a look.

 

“If you’re only listening,” Bambam says, sighing in exasperation.

 

It’s been four days since their visit to the hospital, and Jinyoung has enrolled already, but Jaebum’s mind can’t stop flitting at Jinyoung’s last query to his doctor, wondering mindlessly what the younger wants to insinuate. Jaebum feels like he’s going bald from frustration.

 

But their friends don’t need to know that bit – of course, Jinyoung _knows_ , because he knows everything – so Jaebum just smiles apologetically at Bambam.

 

“I’m just treating you all to dinner for my birthday. I don’t want anything else,” Mark says, sipping on his macchiato. “But if Jackson could cross-dress—“

 

“I am _not_ cross-dressing, you kinky bastard,” Jackson grumbles, scooting further away from Mark and almost sitting on Jinyoung’s lap. Mark replies his accusations with a nonchalant shrug.

 

As Mark talks his way back on Jackson’s good graces, Jaebum looks around Jinyoung’s room and into the not-so small circle – not really, because Yugyeom’s and Bambam’s sprawled limbs don’t really make a decent figure – that they form on the carpeted floor and he notices one soul missing from this _meeting_. “Where is Youngjae, anyway?” Jaebum asks later, and the rest of his friends turn to him with deathly glares.

 

“It is a surprise for a reason!”

 

Jaebum gives up talking and surrenders with a small nod, his shoulders sagging.

 

Youngjae’s birthday is a weekend, so they all decided to turn up at Youngjae’s room at six in the morning and sing him the birthday song, trot version (Jackson’s idea). Youngjae prefers to be home and in the comfort of his bed, so they probably would just serve him breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed. As for gifts, Jaebum learns that the five of them – everyone except him – has already pre-ordered a new game from Japan that would come two to three days before Youngjae’s birthday.

 

“We already paid for it even before you became our friend, so…,” Jackson says, his eyes moving from Jinyoung to him.

 

“It’s okay,” Jaebum says, and Jackson exhales a loud huff of relief. “Solar and I already bought him something, too.” It’s a baby piano that Solar saw on an instruments shop in Jeju, and she already paid for the whole thing even before she told Jaebum. It’s a nice and thoughtful gift though, so Jaebum aborts his plans of strangling Solar to her end for impulsively shopping yet again.

 

“So,” Jackson says later, his lips curved up in a salacious grin, “have you bought something for Jinyoungie too?”

 

Jaebum feels his cheeks heat up, and his blush is probably showing in a fierce pink tint because his friends laugh loudly, and Jaebum wants the world to suck him up. Hiding his face in his hands, Jaebum mumbles, “I – I haven’t, yet.” It’s a lie, but Jaebum won’t announce to everyone how he flipped the entire internet to look for the original, hard bound copies of an entire book series that Jinyoung once said he wants. “Maybe Jinyoung wants something in particular? Hm, baby?”

 

Jinyoung shifts and moves, neglecting his spot on the floor beside Jackson to sit favorably on Jaebum’s lap instead, and drapes his arms around him. “I don’t,” he says. And then, moments later, he jumps up from Jaebum, his face bright like the light bulb of a brilliant idea glows up on him. “Or maybe I do.”

 

“Park Jinyoung,” Jackson says, his voice dripping with warning.

 

“Hyung,” Yugyeom whines, “we’ve already agreed on _not_ doing that.”

 

Jaebum frowns, and he turns to look at Mark whose gaze is not on him. He chances a look at Bambam too, but the younger’s head is hung low. “What is it?” he asks Jinyoung finally, pulling him down to get back on his seat.

 

“None of us here has a license yet, so maybe you could drive us to Busan?” Jinyoung’s eyes are glinting with bliss and Jaebum wants to join his delight, but the stricken looks on Jackson’s, Bambam’s, Yugyeom’s, and Mark’s faces hold Jaebum back.

 

“Sure thing,” he says carefully, offering a timid smile at Jinyoung who pointedly ignores the poignant looks on his friends. “Where exactly, though?”

 

Jinyoung sits at the middle of the circle, facing Jaebum fully. “There’s this little chapel on the outskirt of town, and it’s really, _really_ beautiful, and I want to go there.”

 

“Sure. We can do that.”

 

“ _No_ ,” their friends say in unison. Jinyoung doesn’t spare them a glance.

 

“Thank you!” Jinyoung bursts, throwing himself at Jaebum in a bone-crushing hug. Beats later, Jinyoung pulls away to look at Jaebum, his face almost splitting in half at the wide smile he’s sporting. “Also, make sure to prepare a eulogy beforehand, okay? I want to hear them on my birthday,” Jinyoung simply says, before pecking a quick kiss on Jaebum’s open mouth and holding his hands tightly.

 

With their hands intertwined, Jaebum feels Jinyoung’s pulse go in regular beats and sees Jinyoung’s chest heaving in an even manner of regular inhales and exhales. In the silence of the room, Jaebum could almost hear Jinyoung’s heartbeats, and in the dead silence inside his body, Jaebum can hear his heart dropping and breaking.

 

\--

 

“Mom,” Jaebum calls, and his mom hums in response. “Do you – do you ever just… think of losing the most important person in your life and you just… feel yourself dying on the inside?”

 

“This is about Jinyoung, isn’t it?” Jaebum doesn’t give her a verbal response, but he knows that when he lowers his head to hide the furious warmth blossoming in his cheeks, his mom got her answer.

 

“Jinyoung… he wants me to write a eulogy for him,” Jaebum confides. He feels his eyes well up with hot tears, so he immediately wipes them with the sleeve of his shirt. From her place behind her wooden table, his mom walks to him and hugs him, and Jaebum feels himself trembling with unshed tears.

 

Jaebum is in his mom’s office at the hospital; Jinyoung is a few rooms away from him, doing his weekly check-up with Dr. Kang. As keen as ever, Jinyoung notices the slight, sporadic changes in Jaebum’s mood every time he brings up his own birthday, so he stopped convincing Jaebum to write him a eulogy at his 6th attempt. (Though Jaebum doubts that Jinyoung would have a change of mind or change of plans because Mrs. Park had called him already, letting him know that they could use their van as long as Jaebum won’t drive drugged, drunk, or drowsy.)

 

“Then do so,” his mom says, voice not too convincing. “Tell him how you feel; tell him he is loved anywhere he is.”

 

“No!” Jaebum screams, his outburst almost has his mom falling on the floor. Jaebum grabs her and hides his face in her neck, saying softly, “I don’t want to do it. It’s like telling him good bye. I don’t want to. I want to keep him.”

 

Jaebum feels his mom’s hand patting his back as she mutters, “I never said you have to say good bye. Just tell him you love him and that would be enough.” Jaebum pulls away from his mom and stares at her, his glassy eyes making his mom a little blurry in his vision. She’s smiling at him, her I-will-be-here-for-you-always smile that always puts Jaebum at ease, and as always, his mom’s smile works it magic and Jaebum just hugs her tightly.

 

For minutes, Jaebum is draped tightly against his mom’s body that he doesn’t notice the door sliding open and close hadn’t his mom called out Jinyoung while she laughs unguardedly.

 

“Jaebummie is such a mommy’s boy, you see, Jinyoungie?” Jaebum flinches at the name, and he goes to stand up but his mom keeps him at her chest. He struggles to stand up, and he hears both his mom and Jinyoung share a loud, reverberating laugh.

 

They leave a few moments later, the two of them mindlessly chatting as they walk to the parking area where Jaebum’s car is. Jinyoung is clutching Jaebum’s arm a little tighter than he’s used to, so Jaebum hogs him closer to him, the two of them almost one as they walk leisurely along the vicinity.

 

When they get inside the car, the first thing Jinyoung does is pick up the large envelope sitting carefully at the backseat.

 

“Can I open?” he asks as he looks at Jaebum, his fingers a few millimeters away from the envelope. Jaebum nods, and Jinyoung pulls out the content of the envelope. A thick, unstapled stack of papers comes to view, and Jinyoung carefully traces the edges of the paper, before his fingers carefully run across the varying red and blank inks on his script. “Paper Planes,” Jinyoung reads the title, his voice wistful.

 

“The script for my final film for my thesis. I have the whole of Fall semester to work on my script, and if I finish early and my adviser gives me the heads up, I can start filming too.”

 

“I want to see you work behind the camera,” Jinyoung says dreamily, his eyes trained on the pages in his lap. As Jaebum glides through the streets of downtown Seoul, he gives Jinyoung a few glances, the younger scanning through the pages and reading a little of the script.

 

“I’ll bring you with me on the set when I start working on it,” Jaebum says, his free hand squeezing Jinyoung’s, the word of promise unsaid, but not unheard.

 

“But—“

 

Jaebum knows where Jinyoung’s train of thoughts is heading, so he interrupts smoothly as he turns a corner, “And you’ll be my date on the showcase exhibit too, yeah?”

 

From his hold, Jaebum feels Jinyoung heave a long, deep sigh, before he lifts up their entwined fingers to his lips. Slowly, Jinyoung kisses each knuckle, whispering a soft _yes_ after touching each knuckle with his tender, warm lips.

 

\--

 

Jaebum wakes up when he feels his head bang on a hard, tiled surface. He peeks one eye open, and then the second, and as he involuntarily shivers, he starts to realize where the actual fuck he is—he’s seated on the tiled, cold floor of their shared bathroom, his body stark naked, and the shower above him dripping beads of cold water every few seconds. _Huh_ , Jaebum thinks as stands up on cramped legs, _I probably didn’t turn the shower knob off properly_.

 

Feeling his already drying self, he opens the shower once again and let the water pour on him, shaking all the drowsiness in his system away. He’s tired and restless and all he wants to do is sleep on his stomach on his bed, but Jinyoung won’t probably appreciate him ditching his birthday.

 

“You’re in the bathroom for three fucking hours,” Myungsoo mutters from his place on the couch as Jaebum exits the bathroom, his left hand holding a cup of black coffee and his right hand scrolling through his script. At this rate, Jaebum doesn’t know if both he and Myungsoo would die of fatigue, or of too much caffeine.

 

“I literally just woke up,” Jaebum says as he crosses the living area towards his room.

 

When he comes out again, Myungsoo’s attention isn’t on his script anymore but on a Korean drama rerun on TV. Jaebum plops himself on the floor unceremoniously, picking up Myungsoo’s 3rd cup of coffee of the hour.

 

“It’s a little past eleven now. Shouldn’t you be on the road already?” his best friend asks as he tries to grab the coffee without ruining the papers stuck between them. Jaebum nods his head absentmindedly before he picks up his sweater, phone, and keys. “Try not to die,” Myungsoo yells before Jaebum closes the door.

 

As Jaebum maneuvers his car out of the parking area and into the road, he wonders how many road signs and traffic rules he’d violate so he’d reach Seoul in time. The church that Jinyoung was daydreaming about is located at the foot of a hill, and Jinyoung requested to be there before the sun rises, the younger dying (pun _not_ intended) to see the sunrise from a different environment.

 

Really, Jaebum cannot predict how Jinyoung’s mind works.

 

Jaebum reaches Jinyoung’s house in record time, thankfully being able to get there without any police or patrol cars tailing behind him. As he gets to the front door, he sees their friends’ shoes, but the inside of the house is uncharacteristically silent.

 

“Jinyoung-ah?” Jaebum calls as he pushes the door open, and the next thing he knows, all eyes are on him.

 

No one speaks for a good minute until Jinyoung’s elder sister breaks the silence.

 

“Yah, Jinyoung-ah, Jaebum’s here already,” she says, smile radiant at Jaebum and eyes wary at Jinyoung. Still, no one reacts except Jinyoung who mumbles incoherent words. “Park Jinyoung,” she repeats, annoyed.

 

“I know. I heard,” Jinyoung says petulantly, hugging his knees to his chest and sulking in his seat on the corner of the L-shaped couch.

 

Jaebum doesn’t know how to react properly, so an awkward silence blankets the room. Thankfully, Jinyoung’s dad takes the matters in his hands. “Okay, kids,” he calls, his hands resting comfortably on his wife’s shoulders, “let’s get your stuff inside the van.” Everyone frantically runs around the room, Bambam and Jackson unsurprisingly enthusiastic enough at roughly two in the morning. Mrs. Park instructs her two daughters to help her bring out the food she cooked for everyone, and then there’s just him and Jinyoung inside the house.

 

“Aegi-yah,” Jaebum coos, scooting towards Jinyoung. The younger audibly huffs, his eyes still everywhere but on Jaebum’s face. “I’m sorry if I were late, hm?” Jaebum doesn’t want to tell Jinyoung that he’s late because he slept on the bathroom for being too restless and sleepless the past weeks, because he knows Jinyoung would go and cancel his own birthday just to let Jaebum sleep. Jinyoung has been so enthused the past weeks, and Jaebum doesn’t want to rid him of his one birthday wish. “Jinyoungie,” he says, his arms wrapping Jinyoung in a warm hug. “We’ll miss the sunrise if you continue sulking.”

 

Jaebum’s last comment takes Jinyoung’s attention, and he turns around abruptly to hit Jaebum in his chest. “Yah!” he screams, pounding on Jaebum continuously.

 

Until his eyes land on Jaebum’s face, and he knows that it takes Jinyoung by surprise because the last time Jaebum saw himself clearly on a mirror, he looks like a walking restless piece of shit.

 

“ _Im Jaebum_ ,” Jinyoung says, mortified. “Do you still sleep?”

 

“Nap counts, right?” Jinyoung huffs, and Jaebum quickly backpedals. “I’ll sleep when we get home.” Wrong. Jaebum will proceed on doing the revisions of his script when they get home. “Let’s go now before we really miss the sunrise, yeah?”

 

\--

 

Jaebum and Mark are leaning against a huge, balding tree as they watch the rest of their friends watch the sunrise amusedly, the leaves of the nearby trees dancing in the wind as the early autumn breeze blow them. From their spot, Jaebum could see the sun emerge from the sea to the sky, painting their view in beautiful hues of orange and yellow. Beneath them, the ocean seems to be sparkling with diamonds, and so are Jinyoung’s eyes as he watches quietly the breathtaking awakening of the sun before them, his arms wrapped around Youngjae and his chin on his shoulder.

 

September had been fast. Mark’s birthday was unsurprisingly spent in a fancy restaurant, the seven of them dressing up in tux and slacks that had Mark laughing at Jackson, because _your legs looked shorter in that black slacks you’re wearing_. It was a rather uneventful day, but the dinner made up for their boredom the entire day and Jaebum thought Mark even had a more amazing after-dinner activity.

 

Youngjae’s birthday, however, went exactly how Jackson planned it not to be. Though admittedly, their itinerary for the day was a faux, but Jackson still itched to strangle Youngjae every time he shook his head _no_ at Jackson’s every single movie choice. In consolation, the breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed happened fruitfully, so Youngjae was still rewarded by Jackson with a wet lick on his cheek that Jackson unabashedly called a kiss.

 

It was Bambam who handed Youngjae the gift, and the three youngest boys squealed in delight upon opening the new game that arrived a few days before. (“Kunpimook and Yugyeom seem more delighted with the gift,” Jaebum remembers Jinyoung whispering.) And then there was Jaebum’s gift which totally took Youngjae to tears, Solar even video-calling to make sure Youngjae receives the gift and to greet her _most favorite-est_ dongsaeng a happy birthday.

 

Spending the entire day solely in his room, Youngjae almost stumbled on the stairs when he sees the baby piano standing comfortably in their living room.

 

“Hyung,” Youngjae whined, subtly wiping his tearful eyes and snotty nose on Jaebum’s shirt, “I hate you.”

 

At the memories, Jaebum unknowingly smiles to himself. And then Jinyoung is jumping up and down in excitement and suddenly, Jaebum feels sour.

 

“Let’s go, let’s go!” Jinyoung says, too enthused for Jaebum’s liking. Jinyoung doesn’t wait for any response; instead he goes running down the hill much to Jackson’s chagrin.

 

“Stop running, jackass!” Jackson screams as he runs behind Jinyoung, the latter’s laughter reverberating on the open area, the beautiful sound mixing in with the chirping of birds and humming of the elders cleaning nearby. Mark follows suit, and Jaebum watches as the rest of their friends starts running down too, where they could all see Jinyoung talking to the caretaker of the church, probably.

 

Jaebum could’ve spent the entire day just standing at the top of the hill, but Youngjae grabs his arms and Jaebum has no other choice but to walk down as well, twenty minutes later.

 

“Hyung, you’ll be okay,” Youngjae says, his face bright with his always present radiant smile. “We got each other’s back, okay?”

 

Finding no will to nod, Jaebum settles for a sigh. “I don’t know,” he confesses. Youngjae tightens his grip on his arm and Jaebum adds, “Can I not do this?”

 

Youngjae laughs, though Jaebum notices how his cousin’s laugh lost its overflowing mirth, the contagious blissful lilt. “Jinyoung-hyung would throw a tantrum,” he says, and it sounds like something that Jinyoung would do and Jaebum finds himself smiling timidly.

 

When they get inside the chapel, Jaebum is awestruck at the beauty he found in the chapel’s simplicity. Everything inside is made of shiny wood, and as he and Youngjae walks on the aisle, Jaebum runs his fingers on the rows of seats lined up inside. Despite the lack of colors, the church looks bright and alive with all the yellow and white lilies decorating the aisle and altar.

 

“He likes lilies,” Jaebum whispers as he picks up a yellow lily from the arrangement near him. Youngjae doesn’t answer him until they find themselves a seat, three rows behind Jinyoung, where he is perched on Jackson’s lap with Mark beside them.

 

“His favorite,” Youngjae says, and Jaebum nods in agreement. Sweeping his eyes across the small place, Jaebum sees Bambam and Yugyeom on the very front seat, their heads hung low and eyes trained on the sheets of paper they are clutching.

 

Regarding the papers on the younger boys’ laps, Jaebum nudges Youngjae on the shoulder. “You wrote something for Jinyoung too?”

 

Youngjae nods, unfolding a piece of stationery from the pocket of his jacket. “I don’t know if it’s good enough,” he murmurs, hiding his face on Jaebum’s shoulder.

 

“He’d appreciate it nevertheless,” he cajoles, holding Youngjae closer in his body.

 

“Of course.” Youngjae shakes a little as he goes through what he wrote for Jinyoung. Jaebum leans to look, and he sees Youngjae’s messy scribbles on the sheet. He’s trying to read a few bits of Youngjae’s speech when he looks up, catching Jaebum off-guard. “Hyung.” Jaebum hums. “You wrote something for Jinyoung-hyung, didn’t you?”

 

Jaebum bites his lower lip, and then he gets the paper he’s keeping on his back pocket and hands it to Youngjae. His cousin unfolds the unkempt paper, and his eyes go saucer-wide.

 

“There’s nothing in here?” Jaebum nods. “But—“

 

“Shh,” he shushes him, before turning Youngjae’s head upfront because Mark is already standing on the podium at the side of the altar.

 

When Mark clears his throat a few times, the chapel goes eerily silent, too silent for a place with rowdy boys inside. And then the eldest of them speaks, and Jaebum looks straight at Mark.

 

“I can’t believe that Jinyoung still managed to torture me at his last minutes on earth,” Mark starts, and Jaebum notices how, despite the laugh that Mark sported, the elder still looks solemn. “I don’t speak much, and I almost failed my Speech Communication class, but here I am, still going to praise that petty brat.

 

“Before I transferred to a university here in Seoul, I’ve only had the chance to see Jinyoung on the hospital. Though, I must admit, even on a scary hospital hallway clad in a creepy hospital gown, Jinyoung still looked so adorable,” Mark says, chuckling a little. Jaebum remembers all the time he had seen Jinyoung in the same state – looking pale and weak in his hospital gown – and he smiles to himself because _good god, Jinyoung doesn’t look any less beautiful_.

 

“I’ve always adored how Jinyoung could smile in spite of himself, but his smiles are actually nice and amazing and I think he could save the world from cancer just by smiling—which is ironic, I know, since all he did his entire life aside from throwing tantrums is smile, but we still lost him.” Jaebum chances a glance at Jinyoung, and he sees from his spot how Jinyoung hides his face on Jackson’s shoulder and rubs his face on his bestfriend’s shirt. Mark doesn’t look so composed himself as he fishes his handkerchief from his pocket and turns on his back away from them.

 

It takes Mark a few minutes before he faces them again, eyes a little redder. “Thank you, Jinyoung-ah, for being the bestfriend I never knew I needed. Thank you for always waiting for me every summer only to make me suffer watching Harry Potter for you—and for the last time, I’m telling you: I never liked the movies. But still, it was so nice watching you frown in confusion.” Mark stops, wipes his face, and flips the paper over. Then he continues, “Even if your _jjigae_ was the worst in the entire universe, you’re still the best cook I’ve ever met and I’d give anything to eat your _jjigae_ again. Even if you had the loudest and most ungracious snore, I’d still spend the night with you because your cuddles were the warmest.”

 

Mark looks around the chapel, and he sees Yugyeom already crying the life out of himself already. Mark chuckles, before he stares intently at Jaebum as he finishes, “I’m glad that you got the miracle you’ve always wanted, and thank you, Jinyoung-ah, for bringing Jackson to my life.”

 

All of them feel a little more shaken after Mark spoke, and for a moment, none of them moves nor speaks. Jaebum checks Youngjae beside him, and he feels his cousin trembling with repressed sobs. When he reaches out to embrace him, Youngjae breaks down and sobs hard.

 

When nobody steps up, Jackson takes the courage and gets on his feet, slowly taking the way up the podium. Once settled, Jackson laughs his hyena laugh—though this one is obviously forced, Jaebum still sees how Jinyoung smiles up at his best friend.

 

“If Jinyoung thought he’s so cool and loved with this send-off thing on his funeral, well crap, he wasn’t,” Jackson starts, but Jaebum sees through his loud laughs that he, as well, is on the verge of breaking down too. “Jinyoung was the cheekiest little shit I’ve ever had the misfortune to meet, and actually, I’m dying to get out of this fake friendship of ours because _eww_.” Jackson mimics the way Bambam would say it, and through his tearful eyes, Bambam huffs at Jackson.

 

“Jinyoung was many things: he’s petty and childlike and he threw the worst tantrums and he’s so stubborn and he’s born hard-headed and he’s judgmental as hell. Ever since he grew taller than me, he kept on telling me to stop wearing fitted jeans because my legs are so short; but then he didn’t want me to wear my baggy pants either because they seemed like they’d fall off any moment. He’s complicated and frustrating and I don’t really know why I stuck with him until now.

 

“Or maybe I do. Maybe I do know why I’m still going to praise Jinyoung’s ass even though most of us here would do the same thing.” At this point, Jackson pauses from his speech and Jaebum notes how he’s actually silently tearing up in front of them all. Jackson, who is everyone’s sunshine and happy pill; Jackson, who’s always so happy and jumpy at all times; Jackson, the sunrise after a storm; and Jackson, who never cries. “Jinyoung was all sorts of charming: whenever he smiled like an infant, you would find yourself giving him whatever he wanted; whenever he did his _aegyo_ , you would find yourself offering him everything; whenever he gazed up at you with his annoying puppy eyes, you would find yourself surrendering to him. He’s charming and everyone found him adorable, and that cheeky little shit took advantage of that fact.

 

“But then you’d see him returning back the little favors in his own way without you asking, and you’d realize that he’s more precious than he let on. That Jinyoung.” Jackson is openly sobbing now, his face an ugly waterworks of tears, but Jinyoung doesn’t seem to mind as he keeps on smiling at Jackson and gazing up at him like he’s still the same wild and sexy Jackson, and Jaebum realizes how the two are actually more than best friends at heart.

 

Rubbing his face harshly with his palms, Jackson finishes. “It’s just unfair… because Jinyoung promised me he’d be the best man at my wedding.”

 

Jackson’s speech plus his endless sobbing seem to worsen the already shaken state inside the chapel, and minus Jaebum and Jinyoung, everyone inside is weeping. Mark is holding Jackson closely, the two of them crying in each other’s embrace after their respective speeches. Bambam and Yugyeom who were previously seated at the front row run to Jaebum’s side, the three youngest boys huddled against him.

 

The speeches of the three weren’t too long, but it took them almost three hours in going through all the speeches as the younger boys couldn’t go on delivering a sentence without stopping to cry or hiccup. Tears keep on coming and as Bambam, Yugyeom, and Youngjae return to their seats beside Jaebum, he sees how the papers they were keeping are blotted with their tears.

 

If Jaebum who hasn’t been with Jinyoung for long is feeling downright dying, he just wonders how much these people who have been with Jinyoung feel.

 

“Jaebum-hyung,” Jackson calls with a hiccup, turning his body around so he could see Jaebum. Jaebum looks up from patting Bambam’s head, and Jackson motions toward the podium.

 

“It’s your turn now,” Mark quips.

 

Jaebum takes his time standing up and walking upfront, and as he subtly glances at Jinyoung, he sees the younger already staring at him, smiling up at him in an encouraging manner. Jinyoung smiles softly, and Jaebum sees the hint of dimple in his right cheek and he finds himself smiling back at his beloved.

 

“Well, actually, I – I don’t have anything to say worth listening to,” Jaebum confesses, stuttering a little. He rubs his nape abashedly, and he sees Youngjae shake his head, but is still smiling nevertheless.

 

Looking at Jinyoung, Jaebum sees the younger’s smile unfaltering, like he’s not shamefully admitting how he came upfront empty-handed. There’s a lot of things Jaebum wants to say—he wants to say how Jinyoung turned his world upside down; how Jinyoung became the box of crayons in Jaebum’s rather monochromatic world; how Jinyoung’s smiles magically turn Jaebum’s mood from sour to bright.

 

And Jaebum especially wants to tell the world how Jinyoung is everything he needs in life.

 

But Jaebum’s vocabulary seems to be lacking and insufficient, because he cannot find the right words to describe Jinyoung, much more tell the world how amazing he is. Jaebum is dysfunctional with and without Jinyoung, and just thinking of using the past tenses to convey his message feels wrong.

 

“My Jinyoungie,” Jaebum starts, praying to all gods his voice won’t crack, “the one I love with all I have.” Upon the mention of his feelings, Jaebum sees how Jinyoung stiffens, before his eyes well with tears. Jaebum looks away to prevent himself from tearing up as well. “I loved you once, and I love you still.” Jaebum licks his lips, and he swallows audibly. From his back pocket, he picks up the lily he picked from their aisle, and he inhales it with his eyes closed. Then with a voice thick with unspoken emotions, Jaebum finishes, “I always have, and I always will.”

 

Eyes trained on the younger, Jaebum panics when he sees Jinyoung clutching at his chest. Jinyoung is rubbing at his chest, on the heart area, hard, and his eyes are shut tightly. But there’s a fond smile in his lips, his cheeks rosy and warm. Jaebum strides towards him, and with weak knees, Jinyoung meets him halfway.

 

“Jinyoung—“

 

“It’s not a heart attack,” Jinyoung interrupts Jaebum’s frantic words, and Jaebum heaves a sigh of relief. “But my chest hurts.” Jaebum freaks out, and he’s about to scream for help when Jinyoung holds his face with both hands, eyes boring holes in his own. “I’m just happy,” Jinyoung says, his thumbs tracing patterns on Jaebum’s cheeks, “very, very happy.”

 

Tiptoeing, Jinyoung reaches up for Jaebum to plant a soft kiss on his lips. Jaebum leans into the warmth of Jinyoung’s palms, and right in front of their friends, he returns the younger’s kiss with equal fervor, silent murmurs of sweet endearments passing between them.

 

“Jinyoungie,” Jaebum coos as he pulls away when he feels Jinyoung’s tears through their kisses. “Baby, tell me what’s wrong.”

 

Jinyoung fervently shakes his head, his bangs swaying adorably in his forehead. “It’s just…” Hiccups. “…unfair.” From a soft hiccup, Jinyoung starts sobbing. Hot tears continue to fall from his beautiful eyes, and Jaebum catches his breath. “You can’t tell me you love me now. No. I refuse to listen. You…” Sobs. “You…” Sobs. “You can’t tell me this. I never told you, right?” Sobs. Sobs. “How can I go now that I know you love me too…”

 

Jaebum finds himself speechless and breathless, so instead of trying and failing to find words to reply to the person he values the most, he envelops him in a tight, warm embrace, trying to take all the pain and burden from him. “Then don’t go,” Jaebum pleas.

 

Jinyoung hugs him tighter, sobbing louder. His hiccups come more frequently, and Jaebum feels his shirt getting wetter and wetter with Jinyoung’s tears. And then he feels Jinyoung’s hand on the small of his back and on his nape, and Jaebum knows. Jaebum gets it.

 

No matter how they both want to be together, no matter how much Jinyoung wants to stay, it’s not something for the both of them – or any of their friends and families, in that matter – to decide.

 

\--

 

The succeeding weeks after Jinyoung’s birthday had tired the living hell out of Jaebum. Paper Planes took up most of his time, and his adviser wasn’t being helpful either as he kept on demanding Jaebum to do revisions daily which almost felt like him asking Jaebum to perform magic tricks _which_ he doesn’t know how to. It was frustrating and maddening, especially when all Jaebum wanted was to give up—which, at this case, was not an option.

 

The past days were spent with slim to none sleep per day, and Jaebum got so much work in his plate that there’s no time left to complain. Or even eat, for that matter. It should be okay because Jaebum had braced himself for this years ago, except it’s not because Jaebum still had classes to attend and sleeping wasn’t really appeasing his professors.

 

So after weeks of not seeing Jinyoung’s soft smiles and not feeling his warm cuddles, Jaebum is on the brink of losing his sanity so he finds himself on the road to Seoul the minute after he passed his third script revision for the week.

 

It’s a Friday, and the traffic is getting on Jaebum’s nerves but he cajoles himself that this traffic is the only thing now between him and Jinyoung, so he gets through with it with closed eyes and gritted teeth.

 

Once he arrives at Jackson’s place – Jinyoung had been staying with Jackson after his birthday – by nine pm, to say that Jaebum is disappointed that Jinyoung isn’t in his usual spot on Jackson’s couch and petting Mark’s puppy is an understatement.

 

“Stop stalling, Jackson,” Jaebum says minutes later, impatience growing as the said man keeps on pacing between the living room and the kitchen, “I’m asking where Jinyoung is.”

 

“I’m not – I’m not stalling,” Jackson claims as he brushes his sweat-slicked hair up, eyes anywhere but on Jaebum. “Do you want coffee or—“

 

“We don’t know where Jinyoung is,” Mark quips when Jackson wouldn’t, the eldest of them emerging out of Jackson’s room with his basketball shorts mid-thigh. At least Mark had the decency to wear something other than his boxer briefs. It’s distracting enough to look for Jinyoung from his best friends when Jaebum is well-aware that he interrupted the two from fucking each other by the wall beside the door.

 

“And you’re all calm about it? Do his parents know already? Why did no one tell me? Why—“

 

“Hush,” Jackson shushes, handing him an ice-cold canned soda instead. “It’d been happening almost yearly now that it kinda became normal already.”

 

“ _What?_ ” Jaebum is more than mortified at the revelation that he almost throws his soda straight on Jackson’s face.

 

“Okay, I’m going to say everything once so listen carefully,” Jackson says, and Jaebum nods blankly. “And also, do not freak out.”

 

Jaebum wants to tell Jackson that he can’t promise that since the seriousness in Jackson’s tone and demeanor is alarming, but he nods instead.

 

“It first happened during high school, freshman year. Five hours after classes were dismissed and Jinyoung was still not home. Took us long to find out since we thought he headed home already since he left earlier, and his parents were thinking he was with us. He wasn’t. Yugyeom went to check on him since he’s on the verge of crying already, and dude did he cry so hard when Jinyoung’s folks told him Jinyoung wasn’t home yet.

 

“We found him on the police station a few minutes before midnight, cross-legged at the bench inside while reading a book. He smiled at his parents, before walking towards his mom to hug her. He apologized once, to his parents, for worrying them. Then that’s it. He never talked about it anymore. I tried asking him where he went, and Bam and Yugyeom did too, but he’s mum about it. Youngjae asked why was he at the police station, and he just shrugged and said he knew we’d go there before midnight. So yeah.

 

“We thought that would be the only incident, but it turned out that it was just the first of many.” Jackson pauses for a moment to breathe, and Mark walks around to sit beside Jackson and wrap his arm around the younger’s shoulder. “The next one happened a few months after, though this time, Auntie and Uncle knew where he was—it’s just, they wouldn’t tell us. Not even Jinyoung’s sisters knew, and it’s frustrating. We asked his parents if we could have any clue as to where he was, but they wouldn’t betray that little shit. Yugyeom cried, again, but Auntie kept comforting him and told him that Jinyoung was fine and very much alive.

 

“He was missing in action for a whole night that time, and we were all wide awake until we heard some shuffling at the door by eight am the next day, and only then were we able to get some sleep.” Even if it’s just a distant memory now, Jaebum could still see how frustrated and depressed Jackson was back then, his face crumpled now and his hands messing his hair roughly. “It didn’t happen for more than a year after that, but when it did again, he was gone for the whole weekend. Two fucking days. Jinyoung’s mind works in a very complicated manner, and it’s hopeless to try and figure him out, so we just went to confirm with his parents that Jinyoung was indeed missing, and then that’s it. We stayed in their house and waited for him and brought him to his favorite burger place upon his arrival.

 

“It went on like that for years, and it has become normal for us now—but not for you, though, as I could see. Because you looked like you’re ready to flip South Korea just to locate him.”

 

It’s a joke, Jackson’s humorous cackle tells Jaebum so, but there’s an underlying threat, an unspoken warning, on Jackson’s tone that’s telling Jaebum _don’t_ , less because it’s unnecessary, and more because Jinyoung wouldn’t want him to.

 

An unbearable silence envelops the apartment, and Mark takes charge on breaking it as he says, “He hadn’t pulled this shit since you two met, so it was a surprise, but not exactly unexpected. I think he found the chance to run when your thesis took all your attention.”

 

“Shit,” is the only thing that Jaebum could mutter. If only he paid more attention to Jinyoung, it wouldn’t have happened. If only he visited him at least once or twice a week in mid-revisions, this would have been avoided. Jaebum is starting to loathe himself even more for being so careless and irresponsible, and the torture of not knowing where Jinyoung is at the moment is eating Jaebum’s system whole.

 

“Let me guess,” Jackson says a little later when he grabs the soda from Jaebum’s hands, “you don’t know that he’s been missing for five days now, do you?”

 

“Five?!” Jaebum all but screams, and Mark gives him an emphatic glance. “But—“

 

“But your communication never faltered noticeably, did it?”

 

Jaebum stares at Mark, and then at Jackson, and then he gets it. _Of course._ Of course Jinyoung would do that so Jaebum wouldn’t be suspicious. Jinyoung, of all people, knows that Jaebum would drop everything to check up on him when he becomes unreachable, so of course he wouldn’t cut their constant calls and messages.

 

How could Jaebum be so oblivious?

 

“No, Jaebum-ah, you are not oblivious,” Mark replies, his eyes amused at the wreck Jaebum has become. “Jinyoung is just sneaky.”

 

“Yeah,” Jaebum agrees half-heartedly before heaving a long, deep sigh.

 

\--

 

After unwillingly promising to the couple that he wouldn’t come and check Jinyoung’s place and ask about Jinyoung’s whereabouts, Jackson lets him go reluctantly. It’s a little past ten now, but he tells the two that he’s going to see his mom for some peace of mind, and then they wave him off.

 

It is frustrating Jaebum to no end that he’s incapable of finding Jinyoung. His body tells him to give it a rest and wait for the younger’s return as what his friends advised him, but his mind goes restless and Jaebum thinks he’ll lose his sanity soon enough. He can’t just sleep and rest while in the dark about Jinyoung’s whereabouts, and he badly needs to see his mom to knock some sense in him lest he barges in Jinyoung’s house and demand for anything he should know to track the younger.

 

Jaebum must have ran out of lucky stars because just when he’s about to knock on his mom’s office door after a few minutes of dragging himself inside the hospital, Dr. Kang passes by and tells him his mom hadn’t been on duty since a few days ago.

 

“She didn’t tell me,” Jaebum replies, his forehead creased in confusion.

 

“She didn’t tell us, either,” the doctor says, fingers bringing her glasses up. “We only knew two days ago that she’s in Ilsan when the Director assigned us to cover for her.”

 

“Ilsan?”

 

Dr. Kang hums. “She called me yesterday through your Dad’s phone and asked me to look for her phone in her office.” She excuses herself to go get something from her own office, and as she walks back to him, Dr. Kang is handing Jaebum a familiar white iPhone. “You look tired, and I’m guessing you came here to talk to her, so why don’t you pay your parents a visit and bring this along with you, hm, Jaebum-ah?”

 

Mind clouded with yet another wave of confusion and questions, Jaebum takes the offered phone and nods absent-mindedly, and then he’s off driving at twelve midnight to Ilsan, hoping for his parents’ welcoming hugs and comforting words.

 

But boy did Jaebum get more than that.

 

Relief hits Jaebum like a freight train when he sees the hideous pair of the achingly familiar black strappy sandals piled neatly on the shoe rack that his father keeps at the side of the main door. His heart immediately picks up an alarmingly quick pace, and he almost stumbles on the shined wooden floor face first with his socks as he rushes inside. The first person he sees is his dad, sipping black coffee on his mug as he watches the chimes on the back door with amused eyes.

 

“Dad,” Jaebum whispers breathlessly, and his father smiles fondly upon seeing him.

 

“Took you long enough,” he says, nodding up at Jaebum. It’s nothing specific, but Jaebum surprisingly finds solace on his dad’s vague words.

 

_Jinyoung is here._

“Where is he?” Jaebum asks, panting. It’s almost six am now, and Jaebum feels the consequences of his lack of rest and sleep seep in his body, but he ignores the tensed and aching muscles because he needs to see Jinyoung.

 

“In your room,” his dad replies, eyes straight on him. “Your mom’s in there, too. Wake her up while you’re at it. She asked me to wake her up once you’re here. She wants to check if her favorite son is still alive and breathing.”

 

“I’m her _only_ son, Dad,” Jaebum retorts, making his old man laugh.

 

“Not anymore, young man. She just called your Jinyoung her son.”

 

 _Your Jinyoung._ The blush that creeps up Jaebum’s ears comes uninvited. “Why is she in there, anyway?” Okay, so maybe Jaebum isn’t emotionally ready yet to see Jinyoung with his mom in his room, and maybe he’s stalling. A bit.

 

“Cried herself to sleep with Jinyoung-ah,” he says, voice now free from any teasing tone. Jaebum stiffens, and his dad quickly adds, “Jinyoung is fine, Jaebum. He just misses you, but is overall okay.” When Jaebum is still immobile from his spot on the floor, the older man sighs, putting his cup of coffee down to put his arm around Jaebum. “Go and see him, young man. And wake your mom up.”

 

Nodding blank-headedly, Jaebum drags himself to his room.

 

As he positions his hands to slide his door open, realization hits Jaebum like a truck and it’s then that he reddens with shame at the knowledge of Jinyoung staying in his room. His room is his own private space—not even his dad gets inside without his permission. Though more than feeling intruded, Jaebum actually feels mortified because a huge part of his wall is taped with photos he took—photos of himself, of his parents, and a few of Jinyoung from when they first met in his university. (Jaebum pats himself mentally for being a busy little crap, lest his entire room would be filled of his stolen shots of Jinyoung during their stay in Jeju.)

 

Shaking the embarrassment that he could deal with much, much later, Jaebum slides the door open, totally unaware of the sight waiting for him inside. On his bed are Jinyoung and his mom, the younger one curled against his mom whose arms are wrapped around Jinyoung’s waist. His mom is wearing her cotton night dress, and Jinyoung is clad in Jaebum’s own shirt and shorts, the younger sleeping comfortably on his bed while hugging Jaebum’s plushy.

 

Sighing, Jaebum carefully walks towards the bed, nudging his mom softly. After three pokes on her cheeks, she shifts a little, and then she opens one eye to look at whoever’s interrupting her, before her face lights up with a bright smile.

 

His mom slowly untangles herself from Jinyoung, and before long she’s already hugging Jaebum tightly, catching him off-guard. Jaebum keeps silent, but he pulls away when he feels his mom sobbing silently.

 

“Mom.”

 

“I’m – I’m okay,” she says, eyes wet with fresh tears but is still looking softly at Jaebum. He wipes her tears away as she adds, “I know you love Jinyoung so much, Jaebum-ah. But now I know _why_.” Jaebum frowns, confusion written all over his face, but he is given no time to ask when his mom dismisses him with a wave of her hands, telling him to sleep it off.

 

Huffing, Jaebum closes the door and leans against it, eyes shut tightly and palms covering his face. It’s been one hell of a day, and Jaebum is dead tired, but his heart is erratically beating inside his chest and he feels even more tired, now more emotionally than physically. With one last, deep exhale, Jaebum pushes himself away from the door to slip himself under the covers with Jinyoung.

 

Feeling the bed dip with a heavier weight, Jinyoung shifts and turns, and he’s now facing Jaebum. Looking at him with the late dawn light, Jinyoung looks eternal in Jaebum’s eyes, his dark hair reflecting the crisp yellowish orange lights of the sky, his edges soft and homey. Jinyoung is beautiful in and out, and Jaebum finds himself falling deeper, his mind reeling from the abyss of emotions. His nose scrunches up a little, and Jaebum fights the urge to kiss the life out of Jinyoung at how adorable he looks.

 

And then Jinyoung sleepily puts the plushy behind him, before wrapping his arm and leg on Jaebum’s side. Jinyoung’s hug is something Jaebum missed a lot, so he’s not passing up on this. Nuzzling his nose against Jinyoung’s jaw, Jaebum snuggles closer, and he feels Jinyoung’s limbs grip tighter at him.

 

Jinyoung’s embrace feels like an asylum to Jaebum—a safe place, a recovery haven.

 

Watching Jinyoung sleep soundly is something that Jaebum never gets tired of doing, and he wants to keep his eyes on the younger as he inhales and exhales, his lips opened a little and inviting, but his drowsiness comes haunting Jaebum down. Finding no energy to fight back his sleep, Jaebum pecks Jinyoung’s nose one gentle kiss before he closes his eyes to sleep, surrendering to the lullaby that Jinyoung’s soft snores have become.

 

\--

 

Jaebum wakes up to the soft pokes of the sunlight from his open window, and an empty bed. Rubbing the sleep off his eyes, he sits up and squints, before he makes out the curled up figure on the floor beside his bed. Heaving a fond sigh, Jaebum gets down and sits on the floor beside Jinyoung.

 

“Yah,” he softly calls, and Jinyoung grabs his wrist that he used to poke the younger’s puffy cheeks with.

 

“What time is it?” Jinyoung slurs, eyes closed and nose scrunched. Jaebum tells him it’s a little past four pm now, pulling Jinyoung’s eyes open. A little. “Oh,” he murmurs, mouth forming a soft O, “you just woke up?”

 

Jaebum rubs the back of his neck. “Well, yeah.”

 

“Well then, let me heat up the food so you can eat,” he tells him, drowsily sitting up from the blanket he laid on the floor.

 

“I can do it myself; you just go and continue your nap,” Jaebum interrupts, patting his head. Jinyoung shrugs and nods, but before he could cover up himself once more on the floor, Jaebum lifts him on the bed. “Nap _here_ ,” he says, and Jinyoung’s giggle is the last he hears before he slides the door closed, heading straight to the kitchen.

 

Jaebum’s jaw drops in surprise upon seeing both his parents on the kitchen, his mom watching two pans as she reheats some food.

 

“Why are you both here?” he asks, completely shocked. Though Jaebum’s father usually does his projects at home, his mom’s patients wouldn’t go as far as Ilsan for a check-up. His dad tells him he’s finishing a blueprint for a client’s house, but his mom doesn’t say anything so Jaebum prods her. “Mom.”

 

His mom sighs but doesn’t answer. Jaebum watches her as she moves around the kitchen naturally, pulling utensils and bowls here and there. Once all food and drinks are at the table, it’s just then that Jaebum gets his answer. “I took a leave.”

 

“Mhmm,” he hums, chewing the spoonful of rice in his mouth, “why so?”

 

“Just because,” she says, plucked eyebrow almost meeting her hairline.

 

Jaebum dismisses it before his mom takes all the food back. Instead, he asks his dad, “Since when had Jinyoung been here?”

 

“Almost a week now,” he replies, blowing at his coffee. “He arrived here with your mom.” Jaebum’s head immediately whips in his mom’s direction, and she explains.

 

“He came to me a few nights ago just minutes before my shift ends. Said he wanted to see your dad, see where you grew up and how. So I brought him here.”

 

“He’s so enthusiastic while asking me – _us_ , your mom and I – questions about you and your childhood, about how you were when you’re a kid and if you’re a troublemaker or a nerd in disguise. Your mom showed him your room, and I think one step inside your room and he fell even more in love with you,” his dad continues, and his mom smiles widely, though there’s something to it that Jaebum can’t put a finger on.

 

“His eyes brightened up thousand watts more, and I’ve never seen someone so in love as Jinyoung is with you.” Jaebum is just listening, watching his parents exchange fond smiles like they’re talking about someone who has become extremely special and important to them. “He’s so happy, and so are we. Jinyoung is beyond gleeful to know more about you, and we’re so happy to tell him that you grew up well.”

 

Jaebum is afraid that he’ll split his face up for smiling too much because the thought of his parents loving the man he truly loves with all he has is making his heart burst with mirth, until his dad holds his mom’s hands in a way that scares Jaebum.

 

It’s the same way he held her hand all those years ago, when they’re about to tell Jaebum that they’re getting divorced.

 

He swallows the lump of fear that forms in his throat, silently bracing himself for whatever’s about to drop right in front of him.

 

“The past days, he’s so alive and enthused that we didn’t see what happened last night coming,” his dad starts, and Jaebum’s heart is throbbing ten times faster than it would after he’d run a marathon.

 

When his dad doesn’t add anything, Jaebum turns his gaze to his mom, only to see her hiding her face in her palms, her shoulders shaking silently at her suppressed sobs.

 

“Jinyoung-ah… Jinyoung-ah apologized for things that weren’t even his fault,” she says, voice muffled by her hands. From his seat, Jaebum stands up and walks around to where his mom is sitting, before he squats on her eye level. Gently, he pulls her hands away from her face, wiping her tears away.

 

“Mom,” he coos, and then he feels her grip at his hands tighter.

 

“Jinyoung said sorry that he’s dying, that he couldn’t stay with you longer. He cried and apologized because he’s soon going to leave you for good and he couldn’t do anything. He’s so sorry—“ Sobs and hiccups keep on coming out of her lips, and it’s taking a lot of Jaebum’s willpower not to breakdown as well as she cries and tells Jaebum everything. “—so sorry that he’s hurting you, that he’s making you cry. Jinyoung knows how much you’re suffering, and he’s apologizing to us because you don’t deserve it. You don’t—“ At this point, Jaebum’s mom is a mess, but she goes on, “—he says you don’t deserve him, you don’t deserve less than what you are. And he’s saying sorry because you settled for him, someone undeserving. Jinyoung-ah… Jinyoung-ah said he loves you a lot, he loves you _too much_ , and he’s saying sorry for coming into your life just to be a burden to you.”

 

“Mom,” Jaebum calls again, his voice close to cracking.

 

“Jaebum-ah.” From his mom’s tearful face, Jaebum turns his head to look at his dad, and he sees him motioning for him to return to his seat. Jaebum wipes his mom’s face one last time before following his dad, and after doing so, Jaebum catches his breath at the gentle touch of his father’s hand. “Eat until you’re full, young man, before you talk to Jinyoung and tell him he’s not a burden like he thinks he is.”

 

\--

 

Jinyoung is gently running his fingers atop the pictures taped on the wall when Jaebum walks in almost two hours after waking up. As he closes the door, Jinyoung’s eyes meet his own, and Jinyoung’s apologies from a few nights ago flash back in Jaebum’s mind.

 

After three quick strides, Jaebum stands behind Jinyoung and hugs him from the back, his face nuzzled on the junction of Jinyoung’s neck and shoulder, his nose sniffing the soft flesh.

 

“I love you,” Jaebum murmurs, his hands gripping tighter around the younger’s waist. Jinyoung hums but doesn’t say anything, so Jaebum nuzzles his face deeper, closer to Jinyoung as much as he could. “I love you,” he says as he kisses the warm flesh on Jinyoung’s neck. “I love you,” he murmurs at Jinyoung’s jaw.  “I love you,” he cracks as he stifles his tears from forming a lump in his throat. “I love you,” he mouths at the column on Jinyoung’s throat as he turns him around, Jinyoung leaning back to offer more of his neck to Jaebum. “I love you,” he cries in between gentle kisses. Jinyoung smiles at the kiss, wiping Jaebum’s cheeks as he kisses back with less force and more passion.

 

“Thank you,” Jinyoung giggles, kissing Jaebum’s eyelids after they parted, panting. “Thank you for loving me for who I am.”

 

“I love you, Jinyoung-ah,” Jaebum sobs, his eyes sincere and intent on Jinyoung’s. “Mutant and all.”

 

Jinyoung laughs loudly at the joke, kissing Jaebum’s lips one more time as he confesses, “I love you more than you’ll ever know.” Jinyoung smiles his beautiful smile, the one which folds the edges of his eyes in endearing wrinkles, before he turns around to face the photos on the wall once more, his hands pulling Jaebum’s own to envelop himself in an embrace.

 

Jinyoung is more than Jaebum could ever dream of. He’s beautiful and amazing and Jaebum falls for him deeper as he smiles, folded eyes and all. Jinyoung laughs mirthfully—pretty and adorable even with his mouth wide open. He’s gentle and soft and caring and kind, and Jaebum has never met someone so heedful. He’s playful and sassy and bratty, and Jaebum finds him so endearing despite his random snarky comments. Jinyoung is many things, a deep abyss of mysteries and surprises, but Jaebum finds it hard to point out specific reasons why he loves him so much. Maybe it’s the way Jinyoung smiles prettily at him, or maybe it’s the way his soft snores lull him to a peaceful dream. Maybe it’s the way he gently handles Nora like she’s an actual kid, or the way he acts like Jaebum’s mom _and_ kid simultaneously. Jaebum can’t exactly grasp a reason, probably because he doesn’t have any in particular.

 

Jaebum loves Jinyoung _just because_.

 

Jinyoung’s soft pinch on Jaebum’s forearm pulls him out of his trance. At the second pinch, Jaebum grabs Jinyoung’s fingers to stop him, leaning slightly to look at Jinyoung’s face.

 

“Can I have this?” he asks, eyes fluttering open and close and his cheeks puffed. Jaebum frowns in confusion, before following Jinyoung’s other hand which was pointing to an old photo of him. The one he secretly pulled out of his mom’s photo albums so people whom his parents show the photo albums won’t see the picture anymore.

 

“No,” Jaebum says, cheeks tinted pink in embarrassment. Jinyoung pouts a petulant _please_ , and Jaebum shuts his eyes to will himself to say no. “Just – Just choose some other picture, just not _that_ one.”

 

“But I want it,” he says, voice defiant like a kid’s. If it was any other photo, Jaebum wouldn’t even bat an eyelash before he carefully removes it from being taped on his wall. But it’s a photo of his five-year-old self, stark naked as he plays under the rain. “Hyung.”

 

“Wow,” Jaebum exclaims in disbelief, eyes widening comically. “I can’t believe you’re calling me hyung just now. For a photo.”

 

“For a _naked_ photo.”

 

“Park Jinyoung.”

 

“Yes, _hyung_?”

 

Jaebum grunts loudly, his teeth gritting and jaw protruding. “Just… Just keep it hidden, okay?” he says finally, giving up on Jinyoung’s persistence.

 

Okay, not really. Jaebum is just weak for Jinyoung.

 

“For my eyes only,” Jinyoung promises with a toothed smile. Oh fuck it, Jaebum can really never say no to him.

 

For a few minutes, Jinyoung is just staring seriously at the photo in his hands, forehead creased in concentration. Jaebum is at his study table, watching Jinyoung examine his photo while seated cross-legged on the bed. With the chirps of the birds as their background, Jaebum settles on putting aside his shame and just watches Jinyoung, before the younger jolts up in his bed that has Jaebum scared as hell, his hands gripping at his chest at the abrupt jump.

 

“Yah!” Jaebum yells, but Jinyoung ignores him as he pushes Jaebum’s chair aside to pull out a drawer. The warmth in his gaze at the sight of Jinyoung moving around naturally in his room like he belongs in there vanishes as quickly as it came and is overpowered by the surprise that drops Jaebum’s jaw on the floor as Jinyoung holds out a transparent folder at him, two bold words printed familiarly up front.

 

_Paper Planes._

“What the—“ Jinyoung doesn’t say anything as he sits on Jaebum’s lap. He snakes his hands around the younger on instinct, and Jinyoung leans back for Jaebum to see the contents of the folder in his hands. Quietly, Jaebum opens the folder and scans the pages, and he huffs in a breath at the sight of the red inks on his script.

 

Jaebum is used to seeing his script with so much red ink as his professor does the same every time he passes his paper to him, and Jaebum’s getting a little traumatized as he gets back his script only to see the fierce red against the black ink on white paper. Though Jinyoung’s notes are written in red ink as well, they’re much softer and messier, and Jaebum can’t help the chuckle that slips out of his lips when he sees doodles of cats on random pages.

 

“I didn’t comment on anything about the technicalities – I mean, you know, the lighting and camera angles and background music – because I don’t know anything about those. I just focused on smoothening out the feelings and emotions of your characters because, err…”

 

“Hm, what?” Jaebum asks, eyes intent on the pages he’s currently scanning and attention full on what Jinyoung has to say.

 

Jinyoung exhales loudly before he pouts, “I get it, Dalbyul is holding herself back emotionally, thus her lack of proper articulation of whatever she feels for him. But Yesun is supposed to be more open, to be more expressive.” Jaebum stops the motions of his hands as Jinyoung stops speaking, and then the younger mutters with vague hand gestures, “Don’t feel offended; you did well on the script—great, even, and I swear I’m not being biased. But… as you brought in the confession part – the _supposed_ turning point of the plot – I just… I don’t know. It felt too… bland?”

 

“Bland,” Jaebum utters, parroting Jinyoung.

 

“The atmosphere is there, and you’ve already built up their friendship long enough for the next step not to seem rushed. But the words… felt too dry?” Jaebum is nodding at Jinyoung’s careful thoughts, the younger one wincing at himself in an attempt to say his comments more nicely. “I have no complaints on your characterization except… on the confession part. I felt like they were both emotionally constipated when one of your leads should be more eloquent.”

 

Jaebum swallows in everything, glad of Jinyoung’s inputs that would probably run in his mind at least until he has his hands back on his script. When everything finally sinks in, he asks Jinyoung in full curiosity, “So if I happened to confess to you _that_ blandly, you wouldn’t take me?”

 

The hit Jaebum earns in his forearm is quick, and so is the blush on Jinyoung’s face that Jaebum immediately catches. “Don’t put it _that_ way, Im Jaebum.”

 

“I was _hyung_ to you just a few minutes ago.”

 

Jinyoung rolls his eyes at that bit which gets Jaebum laughing, before he speaks again. “I know you probably spent the past days of your life editing your script, but it wouldn’t feel right if you wouldn’t change the turning point part, you know?”

 

“Yeah, well,” Jaebum starts, sighing deeply. His professor had been asking him to do the same for as long as Jaebum could remember, and the part where his protagonists would confess always, _always_ , bleeds with red ink each time, but he just can’t put his finger onto it. Somehow, he could make everything work except this one. “I want to change it too because it makes me cringe and I feel iffy as well, but…” Jaebum can’t make himself say that he doesn’t know _how_ to do the change he wants to, so he trails off on his sentence. But as smart as he is, Jinyoung catches up and nods, his fingers tender against his cheeks.

 

For a few moments, Jaebum leans in on Jinyoung’s warm touch before the younger pulls away to tug the script off Jaebum’s hands. Carefully, Jinyoung turns the pages until he’s more than halfway through it, and it doesn’t take long until he’s handing Jaebum back the script, the part where Dalbyul opens up her feelings for Yesun opened for Jaebum to see Jinyoung’s notes.

 

The entire confession dialogue is encircled with a red ink, a huge question mark mad across the sentences. Jinyoung also crossed out a few lines and words on the dialogues, and Jaebum is squinting to see which parts Jinyoung wants deleted. And then his eyes widened at the words Jinyoung especially crossed out with a red marker that wasn’t on any other page.

 

Since Jaebum can feel Jinyoung watching him closely, he knows that the younger is quick to follow his saucer-wide gaze. Jinyoung chuckles after realization hit him, giving Jaebum’s lips a quick peck before sashaying back to the bed and making a human burrito of himself.

 

“Sometimes, you don’t need to tell the other person _I love you_ for them to know that you do.”

 

\--

 

 _Paper Planes_ is about a girl who thinks that everyone except herself deserves everything and more, and a guy who makes her think otherwise.

 

Dalbyul meets Yesun on the orphanage where she spends most of her weekends when she’s not teaching children living in the mountains, too far and too penniless to go down and study in town. It’s an annual activity of Yesun’s organization, and though they’d been doing it in the same orphanage for years, it’s the first time Dalbyul meets him.

 

For once, Dalbyul lets her guards down and allows herself to smile and appreciate the warmth of Yesun’s smiles and little gestures, the guy eye-smiling at the kids and playing along with each pop song.

 

But the moment she shuddered when Yesun hugs her good bye, Dalbyul knows it’s time to stop and hold back. It’s time to stop wanting things she doesn’t deserve. It’s time to stop smiling back to Yesun.

 

The moment Dalbyul lets go and turns back around without sparing Yesun a second glance, is the moment Yesun feels his heart falling, the pilot of his airplane of a life leaving. Even before Yesun can seize the opportunity handed to him, she’s already slipping off.

 

Because even though Yesun knows her favorite food and favorite place and the things she does whenever she isn’t too busy with university, Yesun doesn’t know she’s on the verge of giving up. Yesun doesn’t know how, every time she cooks a meal for the kids on the orphanage, she wants the same knife slicing the meat to slit her wrists. Yesun doesn’t know that despite the blinding smile she sends his and only his way, she’s breaking on the inside, silently waiting to cross the busy streets on a red light.

 

Dalbyul thinks Yesun doesn’t know, but he does.

 

They’re twenty when Dalbyul met Yesun. They’re eleven when Yesun met Dalbyul.

 

“I like how Dalbyul feels so much, yet knows nothing much,” Jinyoung murmurs from his blanket wrap, snatching Jaebum out of his thoughts. He frowns, and the younger twists around the bed. “I was so awed at how you made a lot of impact on the orphanage scene, Jaebummie. It was amazing.”

 

Jaebum purses his lips so as not to split his face in half at how happy he is at Jinyoung’s praises, his professor giving him the same compliments but not getting the same reaction. Jaebum feels his chest warms. He reaches out to pat Jinyoung’s messy hair and says, “Really?” Jinyoung crumples his face that makes Jaebum chuckle, before the younger man smiles blindingly as he nods.

 

“Dalbyul is _so_ oblivious of Yesun, like how you’re so oblivious that I love you when I basically spelled it out already for you,” Jinyoung teases a few minutes later, catching Jaebum off-guard. He feels his face redden with blush and shame, and before he could act out on his defense, Jinyoung is already curling in on himself, hiding his laughing face away from Jaebum.

 

“ _Actions are confusing! You can’t expect me to assume anything unless_ you _say something!_ ” Jaebum exclaims a moment later after skimming through the pages, taking Dalbyul’s lines for his own use. It piques Jinyoung’s interest effectively as the younger sits upright quickly like he’s electrocuted from his butt.

 

Jinyoung bites his lower lip and giggles, and there’s a spark in his eyes as he swallows before firing a response, “ _It’s not an assumption if it’s true, is it?_ ” Jinyoung looks so in character that Jaebum has to blink a few times and stop himself from offering Jinyoung Yesun’s role. It would be amazing to cast Jinyoung when his brainchild gets filmed, but if it means tiring the younger male, Jaebum would rather get someone else. “ _Just being content watching you from afar is my fault, I believe, but the letters on my paper planes doesn’t need a genius to be understood. Were they not enough?_ ”

 

As Jaebum listens and appreciates Jinyoung’s Oscar-worthy, spur-of-the-moment acting, he takes notes of every word he delivers, scribbling them down messily on the script. Jinyoung notices the action, and he blushes profusely before hiding in his blanket wrap again, allowing Jaebum a time to go through the next series of dialogues on the script.

 

It’s the part where the 9th death anniversary of Dalbyul’s family comes. Yesun has always known how Dalbyul blames herself for the death of her family, and after nine years of silently watching over her, by then Yesun already knows that Dalbyul is yet again plotting her own death. He almost sleeps in relief when Dalbyul didn’t attempt to do anything for eighteen hours straight already, but the tranquility in his mind gets shook when he sees the lights of Dalbyul’s apartment unit get switched off, Yesun almost jumping out of his own window at the ninth floor.

 

 _I don’t deserve to live,_ Dalbyul murmurs when Yesun grabs her out of a truck’s way, fortunately saving them and the truck driver from a slippery road’s accident. _I don’t deserve you._

“ _Just let me die_ ,” Jinyoung whispers from his human burrito, and Jaebum’s eyes widen comically because _how in the world did Jinyoung know which part he’s in?_

Swallowing, Jaebum replies, “ _You can’t. You can’t die. I want to spend my life with you._ ” A bitter taste sours Jaebum’s buds, and it’s annoyingly funny how Dalbyul and Yesun’s conversation suddenly sounds so depressingly fitting.

 

Jaebum knows he lacks the expression that the particular scene calls for, knows that he’s unable to put to life Yesun’s gaze that makes Dalbyul realize that she doesn’t need anything more—that she only needs Yesun in her life. It’s the confession part which his professor and Jinyoung alike want him to edit, to change, to revise. Jaebum puts his trust on Jinyoung and prepares himself to jot down the next words that would come out of the younger’s lips.

 

Whether Jinyoung is just too talented to be already in character on cue or it’s just how he feels right now at the familiarity of this conversation, Jaebum wouldn’t know because his face is hidden under the thick blankets, though his voice isn’t muffled and Jaebum knows it’s not his imagination that Jinyoung’s voice breaks as he says the next words. “ _What – What did I even do to deserve you in my life?_ ”

 

On the script, there’s a note in Jinyoung’s handwriting that says _soft peck, can be on the eyelid or lips_ , and then the next lines are crossed out already. Clueless as to what to do next, Jaebum chances a look at Jinyoung, who’s slowly crawling out of the bed to grab the script and pen from Jaebum’s hands.

 

Jaebum watches Jinyoung as he writes something on the paper, the younger hiccupping once in a while as he does so. He remains frozen on his chair, eyes trained on the paper though he’s only able to read whatever’s on it when Jinyoung hands him the paper back.

 

His breath catches in his throat as he reads the freshly-written words, trying his best to comprehend if it’s Dalbyul talking to Yesun, or Jinyoung telling Jaebum what he feels.

 

_Thank you for being the sun who gives me light, warmth, and hope._

Jinyoung is right. _I love you_ isn’t always needed to be told for someone to know they are loved.

 

\--

 

When Jaebum went back to their apartment after sending Jinyoung home three days after he arrived in Ilsan, he’s already bombarded with messages from his classmates and colleagues the moment he opens his laptop. His classmates are asking him to send back his part of their group work, his professors sending online assignments in his email, and his Film major friends already sent him the details of their proposed audition dates for the characters in their thesis films. Jaebum’s head pounds as he goes through his list of to-do tasks, and it’s not even an hour since he set foot on their unit. Myungsoo watches him as his best friend collects his things from the table, handing him a thick bunch of papers.

 

Jaebum frowns at him as he accepts the folder, and he almost burns himself alight as he sees the Calculus assignment he forgot is due the next day.

 

Drowning himself with works and getting no break to even munch on anything, Jaebum doesn’t notice when Myungsoo slips inside his room and leaves him alone, the TV replaying another re-run of a drama. It takes him another hour and a half before he deems himself work-free enough to reheat a take-out food.

 

It’s three am when Jaebum gulps down the last of his food and cleans up his stack of assignments, too early to call Jinyoung and too late to sleep either. He decides to take an early bath and leave for class early.

 

It’s nine am when Jaebum realizes he had forgotten his phone at home, and his schedule for the day is too packed to go back to the apartment to get it.

 

It’s one pm when Jaebum slips inside his adviser’s office, handing him the revised script that’s the last he could offer. The entire time his professor is going thoroughly through his work, Jaebum is nervously gulping down the lump in his throat, stress and restlessness eating him up alive as he sits motionless in front of the elder man.

 

It’s four pm when the consultation is over and Jaebum finally, _finally_ , hears from his adviser that his script is approved and he’s good to go. The exhale Jaebum heaves once he’s out of the office is, by far, the deepest exhale he has ever breathed out in his life.

 

The first thing Jaebum does after getting out of the building is run to his car to drive back to their apartment as quickly as he could without violating any traffic rules along the way. It’s the longest fifteen minutes of Jaebum’s life, and once he sees his phone sitting comfortably on his pillow where Nora is staring at it pointedly, he quickly grabs it and speed dials Jinyoung’s number.

 

As soon as Jinyoung picks up, Jaebum quickly bursts, “Baby, I’m so sorry for not calling you until today—“

 

“Hey, it’s okay,” Jinyoung interrupts, cutting Jaebum off with a soft chuckle. Jaebum shuts his eyes and he thinks he could see Jinyoung smiling. “So, how was your day?”

 

And for days, they went on like that. Jaebum would drown with too many paperwork and assignments and Jinyoung would talk him out of his stress, the younger man always offering a listening ear at everything Jaebum has to say. He would tell Jinyoung everything – from the nice ahjumma who always hands Jaebum freshly baked bread in exchange of a kiss, to his Calculus professor who can’t seem to have enough homework to give their entire class. Jinyoung listens to him through it all, yawning in between but listening nevertheless.

 

And then there are days when Jaebum wouldn’t be able to contact Jinyoung for three days straight in favor of attending to the casting auditions for his film and helping his friends with their filming, as well. It’s a tiring everyday routine of attending classes, spending little to no time eating lunch, and going through people who wants to audition for all the Film majors’ thesis films.

 

Jaebum allows himself a break after a week of sitting through auditions and casting most of his stars—which aren’t too many, actually, given that he focused mainly on the (not-so) interactions of Dalbyul and Yesun. It’s a Saturday, and Jinyoung is most probably at home so Jaebum immediately packs up his things before he leaves a note on the door, telling Myungsoo that he’d be in Jinyoung’s for a few days.

 

Except Jaebum doesn’t expect the chaos happening inside Jinyoung’s home when he arrives.

 

“Hyung!”

 

Youngjae is the first to notice his presence; his cousin is quick to jog to where he’s standing by the door, frozen at the number of people standing and knocking outside Jinyoung’s door upstairs. After Youngjae’s exclaim, Yugyeom and Bambam follow suit, and it’s just when the two younger boys attack him with a hug that he realizes that the three’s eyes are red and swollen.

 

After a minute or two of sobbing in his shirt, the three let him go and Jaebum immediately finds his way to the door, Jinyoung’s parents looking worried and alarmed.

 

“He wouldn’t let us in,” Mrs. Park says, her husband’s arms wrapped protectively around her small body. “Jinyoung looks happy and excited ever since you brought him home weeks ago, and then—“ she stops mid-sentence when her voice cracks, and Jaebum wipes the tears from her eyes. Jinyoung’s mom looks so pained and hurt, and Jaebum is starting to panic at what’s exactly happening behind the closed door.

 

“I asked his sister to call him to eat breakfast,” Mr. Park narrates when his wife couldn’t, his eyes straight and stern on Jaebum’s, “but all they heard was Jinyoung crying.”

 

“I told him to let us in because he might have an attack, but he wouldn’t budge. He told us to keep out of his room, and we normally wouldn’t, but he sounded so broken and wounded that we just… we just did what he asked of us.” Jaebum nods at Jinyoung’s eldest sister, before he finally looks at the door where he sees Mark and Jackson, the elder half-hugging the latter as he has his face buried in his knees, his shoulders shaking.

 

“We should’ve called you,” Mark starts, soothing comforting circles at Jackson’s back, “but Jinyoung told us not to. He said you’re busy and asked us not to bother you anymore.” Jaebum sighs, nods at Mark, before he silently asks him to bring everyone away from the door and leave him for a moment. Mark gets the silent plea, and before long, everyone’s already downstairs, Jinyoung’s dad preparing ramyun for everyone.

 

Jaebum exhales loudly before he lifts his hands up to knock, but then a pair of warm palms is stopping him. He turns around abruptly only to see Jinyoung’s mom putting a small piece of metal in his hands.

 

“I trust you,” she says, leaving the cold key in Jaebum’s palms, before going down and attending to the rest of their friends.

 

And that’s how Jaebum finds himself quietly sneaking inside Jinyoung’s room, his presence unknown. As silently as he could, Jaebum closes the door and locks it behind him, before he follows the sound of Jinyoung’s sobs.

 

Jaebum feels his heart shattering into pieces just by the sound of Jinyoung’s cries, the painful sound twisting Jaebum’s guts. Stalling no more, Jaebum takes quick strides to the window seat where Jinyoung is curled in on himself, the younger man the messiest Jaebum has ever seen him.

 

“Hey,” Jaebum says, but Jinyoung remains frozen in his spot, only moving a little to lift his chin up and turn his teary gaze up to meet Jaebum’s worried ones. Seeing the raw brokenness of Jinyoung’s eyes, Jaebum feels like throwing up.

 

“Sorry,” Jinyoung cracks, and without a second thought, Jaebum embraces Jinyoung tightly, his arms wrapping around Jinyoung. Jaebum sobs in relief when Jinyoung melts in the hug, his face buried on the crooked of his neck. They stay like that for a long time, with Jinyoung shaking from over-crying and Jaebum comforting him with soothing touches. Jaebum doesn’t think Jinyoung would speak any sooner so he’s surprised when Jinyoung mutters a few words—muffled but not misunderstood. “I’m sorry for being too selfish, Jaebum-ah. I know I’m being too much of a burden, but I’m sorry if I can’t let you go. I’m sorry for holding onto you when I should’ve just freed you from me. You have so much in your hands right now, and a dying boyfriend is the least you need.” Jinyoung stops speaking for a moment, his fists tightening their grip on Jaebum’s shirt. And then, “I’m sorry for causing you all these trouble. I just realized you don’t need me in your life, and that you should go.”

 

Jaebum is rendered speechless and frozen, and if it weren’t for Jinyoung standing up to drown himself in his thick duvet, Jaebum would’ve been rooted on his spot by the window. Grabbing Jinyoung’s wrist, Jaebum asks with a broken voice, “Are you breaking up with me?”

 

Jinyoung half-turns, his side-profile facing Jaebum. Even in his messiest, even with the waterworks his face has become, Jinyoung is still, and will always be, the prettiest. “No,” he breathes out, “I just want you to reevaluate your life decisions.”

 

Jaebum watches Jinyoung’s face filled with unspoken worry and pain, and it’s unfair. It’s unfair how Jinyoung feels too much and hurts too much. It’s unfair, and Jaebum hates himself because the moment he admitted everything he feels for the younger, he promised that he’ll never cause him pain—never bring him tears. But as Jinyoung struggles to hold back his upcoming flood of tears, Jaebum wants to hit himself repeatedly until he’s not breathing any longer. Jinyoung has felt too much pain his entire life, and he deserves nothing more but a greater love to make up for all his sufferings.

 

Not that Jaebum could give him all, but he loves Jinyoung more than anyone and he’d spend his whole lifetime trying to give Jinyoung the moon, the stars, and the universe.

 

“And I’ve decided to stick with you for as long as you’ll have me,” Jaebum says, pulling Jinyoung in a gentle embrace, “and that’s final.”

 

Jinyoung pulls away a little to gaze up at Jaebum, his hands tracing Jaebum’s features as if memorizing them. From the expanse of his forehead, to the lines of his brows, to the steep slope of his nose, and to the soft edges of his thin lips. The short time Jinyoung spends caressing Jaebum’s face felt like an eternity before the younger tiptoes and melds his lips with Jaebum’s.

 

Jaebum has kissed Jinyoung a lot of times already that he knows the compassionate kiss they’re sharing right now, right in the middle of Jinyoung’s room as he holds the younger closer to him, is not one that would end up with them sporting giddy, teenager-in-love giggles, or one that would end up in a hot make-out that will leave them both breathless. Jinyoung’s lips are gliding smoothly against Jaebum’s, his tongue leaving a lingering warmth inside his mouth. It’s too slow to be aggressive, and too passionate to be innocent.

 

Jinyoung pulls away a little to look up at Jaebum, his eyes lidded and clouded with thick emotions, and then Jaebum sees it again—Jinyoung’s piercing gaze, the one where Jinyoung’s eyes are focused on him and him alone, and Jaebum gets it. As Jinyoung possessively snakes an arm around Jaebum’s nape to pull him down, his plump lips kiss-swollen and inviting, Jaebum meets him half-way, lifting Jinyoung off his feet and walking them both back on the bed, the younger’s legs wrapped territorially around Jaebum’s waist.

 

What they’re sharing isn’t just a kiss—it’s a silent invitation, a muted promise of slicked skins, messed up sheets, and a sleepless night to remember.

 

\--

 

Jaebum has never felt everything in his life fall perfectly into their places until then. Auditions are done, and location checking is scheduled next, next week. Calculus is still as punishing as ever, but at least Jaebum could get out of his class alive. And Jinyoung has been feeling great, Jaebum checking up on him at least every hour, the younger always excited and giddy to answer his calls.

 

Or so Jaebum believes, until he receives a call from Jinyoung’s mom not a week later, telling him to go to the hospital as soon as he could because Jinyoung just had an attack the night prior.

 

“You should check up on Jinyoung instead of hiding in my office, you know.”

 

Jaebum lifts his stare up at his mom, the older woman checking and rechecking her clipboards of medical reports. It’s been 27 hours since Jaebum arrived in Seoul, but no one knows yet except his mom and his cousin. Youngjae tells him Jinyoung had been whining because he wants to see Jaebum, but he can’t seem to face Jinyoung yet. Or his family, for that matter, because he can’t stop blaming himself for being unable to hold back and stop himself _that_ night, which probably had been the cause of Jinyoung’s attack.

 

His mom’s about to say something when the door slides open, and Jaebum wishes for the ground to open up and swallow him whole. Dr. Kang is looking at him with a knowing spark in her eyes. It’s the first time Jaebum sees her again, and he regrets hiding in his mom’s office instead of the common comfort room.

 

“So,” she starts, sitting cross-legged beside Jaebum on the couch, “Jinyoung told me.” Of course Jinyoung would. Jaebum swallows the huge lump hindering him from saying anything audible, before he offers a timid nod because there’s no way in hiding the truth. Dr. Kang chuckles, patting his knees. “And you’re blaming yourself for his attack, am I right?”

 

“I—“ Jaebum attempts to reply, but he can’t formulate the right words to say. He’s beet red in shame and guilt, and it takes him a few beats before he tries again. “It’s my fault, I know. I’m sorry.”

 

“But no one’s blaming you,” Jinyoung’s doctor says, her voice gentle and careful.

 

“Exactly. Why is no one blaming me when it’s obviously my fault!” He knows it’s disrespectful to raise his voice around elders, but Jaebum couldn’t understand why no one – not even Dr. Kang – is blaming him for causing Jinyoung so much pain, yet again? Every littlest voice in his head blames Jaebum, and it’s taking a lot of his will as to not bang his head against something hard so it’d break.

 

“ _Because_ it is not your fault,” she says, her voice void of tease and completely serious. Jaebum stands up to argue, but his mom is quick enough to silence and dismiss him.

 

“Go out for a moment,” she says gently, her eyes racking Jaebum’s tired and restless body. “Take a breath of fresh air, and I’ll just call for food delivery. Go.”

 

It’s not like Jaebum has a choice anyway, so he finds his feet taking the path to the rooftop. Autumn is slowly crawling out, making way for winter, and Jaebum rubs his arms as the late autumn air breezes, swishing around him and making the trees sway. Walking towards the metal railings barricading the rooftop, Jaebum gazes down at the trees littering the backyard of the hospital. The way the trees sway and the leaves dance in the air as they slowly, one by one, fall from the branches remind him of that same fateful day when Nora found Jinyoung. The serene, purpling afternoon sky, the few cotton clouds, and the vast infinity right before his eyes. It’s all a reminder of that spring afternoon when he met Jinyoung, clad in his simplest but smiled the grandest.

 

It’s the day Jaebum lectures Myungsoo about ditching him for Suzy, and the same day he ditches his long overdue free dinner from Myungsoo to treat Jinyoung to a fancy café just outside the younger’s university.

 

“It’s as purple as the sky when we first met.”

 

Jaebum gasps in surprise as he hears a familiar voice that has him aching all over, too preoccupied to notice the patter of feet from behind him. Whether it’s a supernatural power or just Jinyoung being created to be Jaebum’s other half, he still gawks at the younger in awe for saying out loud what’s exactly on his mind.

 

“I was waiting for you,” Jinyoung says as he snakes his arms around Jaebum’s waist in a back hug, and Jaebum feels his smaller build tremble a little from the unexpected cold wind outside. “I miss you.”

 

Instead of replying and telling Jinyoung how dysfunctional he has become after the news of yet another attack, Jaebum mutters idiotically, “We shouldn’t have done that.” He feels Jinyoung’s hands loosen their grip on his waist, and Jaebum knows how disappointed Jinyoung must have become with his words, but Jaebum is never taking them back even though his own words feel like a butcher’s knife chopping his heart into pieces.

 

Without even looking back at Jinyoung, Jaebum knows he’s already tearing up. Jinyoung’s voice when he speaks up proves Jaebum right. “That night… had been a perfect night. I would’ve given my everything to feel you so close to me again. To feel you… inside me again.” At this point, Jinyoung is sobbing harshly already, his body shaking behind him. Jaebum doesn’t know if he has enough courage to look at how much he broke Jinyoung. “And yet… and yet you regret that night. It was just a mistake to you.”

 

Jaebum turns around and holds Jinyoung’s arms, “Jinyoung—“

 

“No,” Jinyoung is quicker to move away, his steps unusually bigger. Jaebum stares at him with pain clenching his heart, and he feels more suffocated when Jinyoung laughs bitterly. “I understand—“

 

“You don’t understand!” Jaebum can’t let Jinyoung misinterpret everything yet again. He can’t let Jinyoung think of him as someone who just felt pitiful at his dying boyfriend, thus giving in to his every invitation. It’s not like Jaebum never wanted what everything happened – fuck, Jaebum would even offer his limbs just to feel Jinyoung again – but if it means slowly killing Jinyoung, then Jaebum would rather stay and die untouched than dig Jinyoung’s grave himself. “It’s not you who has a dying boyfriend! It’s not you who’d be left weeping alone! It’s not you who’ll suffer with all the lingering memories! It’s not _you_ whom I’ll be leaving; it’s _me_ you’re leaving!”

 

Jaebum’s outburst of his kept fears silences Jinyoung, and the younger stands speechless across Jaebum, his hands reaching out but not reaching enough.

 

“That night is incomparable. It’s beyond perfect, Jinyoung-ah, and I’ve yet to find a word to describe that one night in my life.” The details of their first night together are still vivid in Jaebum’s memory: the way Jinyoung holds onto his biceps like his life depended on him; the way Jinyoung moans every time Jaebum’s lips worships his unblemished flesh; the way Jinyoung wraps his arms around Jaebum’s shoulders, grinding and writhing underneath him; the way Jinyoung presses up against him when he cradles him as pushes inside torturously slowly; and the way Jinyoung’s insides feel like Jaebum’s own heaven on earth. Warmth still floods Jaebum at the picturesque memory of Jinyoung’s gentle smile as he assures Jaebum that he’s okay, that it’s okay to move and he won’t break, the beautiful sight of Jinyoung’s matted bangs that Jaebum likes to push away from his eyes in favor of looking through Jinyoung’s dark orbs, and Jinyoung’s kiss-swollen lips that mutters the softest, gentlest _Jaebummie_. At the reminiscence, a lone tear falls from Jaebum’s cheeks. “If the heavens ask for my life in exchange of a repeat of that night, I wouldn’t even bat an eyelash before agreeing. But Jinyoung-ah… if abstaining myself from doing it again means keeping you with me for longer, I wouldn’t do it again. If given a chance, I would undo it, because you are someone I would take nothing in exchange for.”

 

“Jaebummie…”

 

“It’s not about not wanting to do it, Jinyoung-ah,” Jaebum says slowly, a small smile creeping up his face. “I would always choose spending a life with you more than anything else.” Jaebum takes the first step towards Jinyoung, the younger male staring lovingly at him with tears in his eyes. Kissing his tears away, Jaebum finishes: “You, over anything else. Always.”

 

Jinyoung’s blinding smile is back in his face, and Jaebum carefully leans down and meets the younger’s lips, a soft sigh escaping from his own.

 

\--

 

“Jaebum,” Jinyoung drawls, his lips jutted out petulantly as he nudges Jaebum’s sides with his socked feet. “Are we there yet?”

 

It’s been two weeks since Jinyoung’s last attack, and though he says he’s not feeling any better, he consoles everyone that at least, he’s not feeling any worse. Since Jinyoung had long since decided to drop out and just probably enroll in the spring semester, he’s always free and bothering everyone but Jaebum. He’s always telling Mark to drive him elsewhere because he’s so bored at home, and Jackson had texted Jaebum more in the past two weeks than he had ever done ever since they first met and had repeatedly told him that he and Mark couldn’t go on dates anymore because no matter how Jackson would say it to Jinyoung’s face, the younger male just whines at them until either Jackson or Mark would agree and bring him along. He would do the same to the three spawns of devil too, except they’re too hyper and energetic for Jinyoung to catch up.

 

“I thought you want to get out of your room,” Jaebum reasons as he rounds a corner, and he chuckles at the whine that Jinyoung lets out.

 

“I do, but I’ve been sitting here for hours and—“

 

Jaebum doesn’t mind Jinyoung’s endless whines and complaints, but he interrupts another of Jinyoung’s fussing when he reaches the location that one of his Film major friends told him about. He exits the car and looks up at the buildings facing each other under his eyeglasses, and he smiles in content at the appropriateness of the location.

 

“We’re here,” Jaebum says as he opens the door on Jinyoung’s side. As cranky as he is, Jinyoung stays seated, so Jaebum squats to level his eyes with his. “Dalbyul and Yesun are waiting for you up there.”

 

At the mention of his characters’ names, Jinyoung’s eyes light up, crankiness long forgotten. “Really?” he says, too enthused for someone who pulled up a tantrum just moments ago.

 

“Yes,” Jaebum replies with a chuckle, pinching Jinyoung’s nose. As Jinyoung bends down to pick up his shoes, Jaebum removes his beanie and messes up his hair, flipping his head a little to brush up the fringe blocking his eyes. Once Jinyoung is done, he’s ready to go outside but Jaebum stops him and puts the beanie on his head. “Aren’t you the cutest,” he says after staring at Jinyoung’s rosy cheeks, grabbing the younger’s hands to bring him on the ninth floor of the apartment building on their left.

 

Upon arrival at a unit on the ninth floor, Jinyoung immediately catches everyone’s attention. The younger male blushes at the eyes looking at him, but Jaebum just lets them bombard him with questions. All people in the room are his friends, anyways, and Jaebum knows they’re harmless. Jaebum roams around, only pulling Jinyoung away from his friends when his Yesun arrives.

 

Soohyun nods and bows at everyone once he’s in, and Jinyoung is quick to catch up. When Soohyun sees him, he smiles widely, half-hugging Jaebum after thanking him for the role. Jaebum bows back at him and introduces his actor to Jinyoung, to which the younger blurts out: “You’re so good-looking.” Soohyun laughs shyly before he’s being pulled by a female classmate to the side.

 

“So—“

 

“Okay, old man. Before you start rambling jealously right there, he’s not my type,” Jinyoung says, eyes twinkling with mischief. “It’s a fact, because he really looks like a cutout of a perfect prince, you know?”

 

“Yeah, yeah,” Jaebum says in feign annoyance, making Jinyoung laugh ungraciously and open-mouthed.

 

“So, where’s Dalbyul?” Jinyoung asks, and Jaebum pulls him towards the veranda of the room where Myungsoo and Suzy are standing outside as well, the latter playing with Jaebum’s best friend’s camera.

 

“There she is,” Jaebum says, shouting Suzy’s name and she looks up with squinted eyes before waving.

 

“I should’ve known,” Jinyoung says, chuckling.

 

The rest of the day passes quickly, every one of them gathering to talk about working for each other. They might have different casts for their films, but each one would be helping the other in filming, prompting, and editing. They would even play extras if needed, and Jaebum already feels tired for his upcoming semester. _At least you have the entire winter to rest_ , Jinyoung says in an attempt to cajole him, and Jaebum kisses the younger’s forehead as he nods in agreement.

 

By four pm, they’re already done for the day, and Jaebum promises to be present on the next days as his friends check out the locations of their films, too. Everyone starts packing up and clearing the place, leaving Jinyoung, Jaebum, Suzy, Myungsoo, Soohyun, and Sungjin, the Physics major whom Jaebum met a few years back in a Physics class. Sungjin promised to help Jaebum in making the paper planes reach the veranda of the other apartment unit on the other building feasible.

 

“We should try it now,” Sungjin suggests, asking for a bundle of papers from one of Jaebum’s classmates. “We’d stay here and try flying the planes, and Suzy and Myungsoo could wait on the other building.”

 

Jaebum agrees quickly, and so do Myungsoo and Suzy. But he almost strangles Suzy when she pulls Jinyoung along, screaming _I’ll bring him back in one piece!_ as she runs out and away from Jaebum. Sungjin chuckles from beside him, patting his back as he starts showing Jaebum and Soohyun how to properly make a paper plane.

 

It doesn’t take long before Jaebum’s trying to fly his first paper plane, Sungjin standing beside him and telling him how to properly angle the plane so it’s not going against the air. Soohyun tries to do the same, and Jaebum nods approvingly as Soohyung’s paper plane takes a longer flight than his.

 

Twenty-three paper planes later and Soohyun is finally able to make his first paper plane reach Suzy’s veranda, the latter squealing in delight upon seeing the plane land on the floor before her. They could’ve just made paper planes, arrange them on Suzy’s veranda and leave the rest to the editing team, but Jaebum wants to film a paper plane or two taking flight from Soohyun’s hands to Suzy’s apartment, thus this exhausting effort of making paper planes.

 

Ten more paper planes and Soohyun has finally found the right poise and height so as to make the paper plane reach the other building, and Jaebum is satisfied with his work enough to call it a day. But then he sees a tempting blank paper and a marker sitting beside it, and he chances a look to where Jinyoung is standing and picking up paper planes with Suzy. With shaking hands and composed determination, Jaebum writes something up, before carefully folding the paper with clammy hands.

 

If the paper plane doesn’t make it to Jinyoung, then there’s no harm. If the paper plane _does_ make it to Jinyoung, then, well… may Jaebum find the courage to meet him back downstairs.

 

Jaebum’s hands tremble worse once he stands on the veranda, his paper plane in hand. He grips on it a little too tightly, crumpling it, but he can’t dismiss the nervousness eating him up.

 

Go big or go home.

 

Lifting his hands, Jaebum feels someone hold him back. He turns around and sees Soohyun and Sungjin, stopping him from releasing the paper plane.

 

“You should stand like this,” Soohyun instructs, positioning Jaebum properly, “here.”

 

“Don’t tremble too much,” Sungjin adds, patting Jaebum’s shoulders. “And don’t grip the paper too tightly—crumpling it would make it fall faster than intended.”

 

Jaebum doesn’t know if the two saw what he wrote, but he gives them a grateful nod nevertheless. He breathes in, looks down and sees Jinyoung trying to look at him, breathes out, and releases the paper plane with, hopefully, an enough force for the paper plane to cross its path without falling early. Jaebum has his heart on his hands as he watches the paper plane glide on air, and he almost jumps out of the railing when it reaches the veranda and Jinyoung picks it up.

 

Trembling tremulously, Jaebum watches as Jinyoung unfolds the paper plane, and he convinces himself it’s just a part of his hallucination that a tear falls from Jinyoung’s eye. But then Sungjin is whispering to him _he’s crying_ , and Jaebum knows that Jinyoung’s face seems to be sparkling because his tears are reflecting the late afternoon sun beautifully.

 

At this point, Jinyoung is already shaking with held back sobs, alerting Myungsoo and Suzy who are most probably playing inside the unit. Myungsoo attends to Jinyoung first, but when he sees the paper on the younger’s hands and Jaebum’s waiting eyes from two floors across them, he calms down and watches Jaebum get tormented by Jinyoung’s unsaid response.

 

Jaebum doesn’t really pressure Jinyoung to answer right now because he probably feels pressured at the sudden proposal and—

 

“He’s nodding,” Soohyun murmurs, awe evident in his voice, interrupting Jaebum’s internal doubts.

 

“He is,” Sungjin agrees, shaking Jaebum to bring him back to earth. It’s just then that he looks down again, and true to their words, Jinyoung is indeed nodding.

 

“Fuck,” Jaebum mutters breathlessly, disbelief prominent in his voice, “he said yes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The names of the Paper Planes characters in here were different from when I first posted it, and I also added a little background on the Paper Planes story itself. :)


	4. Winter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To all the people who have waited patiently, to all the friends who have reminded me that this thing is worth it, and to every single person who have trusted me and this fic, this one’s for you. <33333

Jaebum can’t trace when it started, but for a few consecutive days now, his dreams are all plagued of memories with Jinyoung.

 

From Jinyoung’s birthday in fall, to the summer nights spent in Jeju, and all the way back to their café dates during spring, they were all flashing back vividly in Jaebum’s sleep, the past nine months’ events flooding his mind all at once. His dreams were not all happy memories; amidst the days of dreaming about Jinyoung’s blinding smile whenever Jaebum took him out on a date, Jaebum was as well acquainted of the younger’s appalling screams in agonizing pain, the sight of endless hospital hallways scary enough, waking Jaebum up glassy-eyed and bathed in sweat at the middle of the night. Whenever he woke up, he would sit upright and brush his wet fringe out of his face, his hair too long for his liking, but was kept that way to appease Jinyoung.

 

Jinyoung, who would always shift in his sleep whenever he would feel Jaebum wake up, his hands warm as they draw spirals on Jaebum’s skin, his head nuzzling Jaebum’s hips. And then despite the bad dream for the night, and even though Jinyoung wouldn’t probably see him, Jaebum would smile fondly down at him, sliding down the bed to lie back beside him, kissing the side of Jinyoung’s head that would make the younger male smile despite his drowsiness, would make the younger reach up with grabby hands and kiss Jaebum softly, gently, passionately on the lips, his plump ones smiling against Jaebum’s slimmer ones.

 

And as Jinyoung takes his sweet time exploring his mouth, Jaebum would think doubly, would ponder silently if this is yet another dream, because as Jinyoung licks the seam of Jaebum’s lips and finds his way inside, his hands would travel up north, messing Jaebum’s disheveled black locks and Jaebum would feel the metal band on the younger’s ring finger on his scalp, the pair of the metal band Jaebum is wearing on his own left hand.

 

If Jaebum were to pick the best dream that his mind floods back in his sleep, it would be the day he and Jinyoung got married. On Jinyoung’s favorite little chapel in Busan. With their friends and families as witnesses. And with Jackson as the officiant of their wedding.

 

It’s not exactly an official wedding, but Jinyoung was there with him on the altar, their families were there to hear and cry for their vows, and Jackson announced them husbands after crying through their exchange and putting on their wedding rings, and Jaebum thinks that was wedding enough. In his and their loved ones standards, at least.

 

And, it’s safe to say, Jaebum thinks, that if his mind were to choose which dream to replay for the rest of his life, his mind would choose the same dream, specifically the part where Jinyoung was smiling beautifully at Jaebum, the younger looking breathtaking with a flower crown that Youngjae and Bambam made, his lips moving attractively with every words he read from the back of a tissue paper that Jaebum recognized was from his and Solar’s café.

 

“Jaebum.” It hasn’t snowed a flake yet, but the winter nights are exponentially colder than the last of autumn nights. Jinyoung’s voice is muffled by the thick blankets and comforters, but Jaebum hears him perfectly. He hums. Jinyoung slurs, “Why are you still awake?”

 

“Just thinking,” Jaebum replies as he properly lies down on his side to face Jinyoung, the younger reflexively hugging him with clothed arms. Jaebum takes in Jinyoung’s scent, his baby smelling of mint toothpaste and vanilla body wash.

 

“About me?” Jinyoung asks as he crawls closer to Jaebum, kissing the side of his neck and his jaw and the column of his throat.

 

“Definitely,” Jaebum answers truthfully, allowing Jinyoung to lick his way up his face, kissing and biting at the flesh.

 

Jaebum realizes, as Jinyoung kisses him languidly full on the lips, his hands roaming on his face and his left hand pressing the ring on his cheek, that even with the memories from the past months flashing back in his dreams, he still prefers this reality. The reality that Jinyoung is his, that Jinyoung loves him, and that Jinyoung is allowing Jaebum to love him as much as the younger loves him.

 

This reality diminishes all the bad and painful and unwanted memories, and Jaebum won’t take his reality any other way.

 

\--

 

Every night after working with his film major friends, Jaebum would find Jinyoung out of their room and doing something weirdly adorable. When they’re in his house in Seoul, Jaebum would find Jinyoung trying to burn their kitchen down or trying to poison whoever was the day’s unfortunate taste tester. When they’re in his house in Ilsan, Jaebum would find Jinyoung sketching with his dad on the latter’s office, the younger playing childishly with his father’s drawing tools.

 

But mostly, they’re on Jaebum’s apartment in Gwangju, with Myungsoo indefinitely staying with Suzy to leave the unit alone for Jinyoung and Jaebum. In there, Jaebum would find Jinyoung sleeping on the couch with the TV on and Nora licking at his fingers, but some other time, he would find the younger awake and watching the front door open with a suspiciously innocent smile, and Jaebum would spent a few minutes trying to figure out what Jinyoung did in his apartment again.

 

Today, as Jaebum toes off his shoes and picks up after Jinyoung’s mess, he sees the younger watching his every move, and unsurprisingly, Nora is watching Jaebum, too. Jinyoung leans up and meets Jaebum halfway when he bends down to kiss his lips, but the younger immediately flees away as he waits for Jaebum to find out whatever mischief he did for the day.

 

And Jaebum finds out after five minutes, almost slipping by the bathroom when he sees a new bath mat, the words _GET NAKED_ scrawled clearly and boldly across the fabric. Jinyoung quickly runs to him when he heard Jaebum screech in surprise with Nora in tow.

 

“So?”

 

“What do you mean, _so_?” Jaebum grits out unbelievingly. Jinyoung chuckles, looks at Nora, before he walks out of the bathroom nonchalantly. From where he’s standing by the sink, Jaebum hears Jinyoung laugh, talking to Nora with fond voice. “I think I he liked it. What do you think?”

 

At times like this, Jaebum thinks he actually prefers Jinyoung burning down his kitchen while experimenting on a potion to feed Jaebum. In retrospect, Jaebum thinks he prefers tasting Jinyoung’s ill-looking jjigae than going home with a folded new towel decorated with varying breasts across it.

 

Or maybe not. Maybe Jaebum can live with breast towels and nipple wall hooks if that would mean not having anymore of Jinyoung’s chemical experiments he dubs as food.

 

“Are you trying to kill me with ash balls?” Jaebum exclaims one morning after sitting on a stool by the kitchen counter, eyeing the breakfast that Jinyoung is making.

 

“They’re rice balls,” Jinyoung huffs, pained.

 

Every morning since winter break started, the two of them play scrabble on the bed, and the loser will prepare a breakfast for two. Wherever they are, they do their morning game, and Jaebum usually allows Jinyoung to win just so he gets to prepare their breakfast—actual and edible breakfast. But that morning, Jinyoung called him out, so he skips out of bed to cook for the two of them.

 

“Oh,” Jaebum says, his eyes wide in horror. But as Jinyoung juts his lower lip out and moves to throw the food and rely on take-outs, Jaebum stands up in haste and gets them, eating the food with half-hearted willingness and wholehearted love.

 

Those are the good days. And, ultimately, Jaebum decides that he will choose the good, euphemistic gifts and burnt food days over the days when Jinyoung is so sick he can’t even utter a word, his lips only screaming in raw pain.

 

\--

 

It’s the second week of December when a phone call from the hospital turns Jaebum’s life upside down.

 

Jaebum was at a shoot when Jinyoung’s mother called, her voice haste with panic and her words slurry with alarm. Vaguely, she told Jaebum how Jinyoung had an attack in his own room while playing with their cat, his consciousness decreasing as the ambulance drove them to the hospital. She was crying all throughout the call, and fear must be painfully obvious in Jaebum’s face because he didn’t even have to say anything before his friends were shooing him away, repeatedly telling him to drive in his senses.

 

The three-hour drive from the location to where Jinyoung is felt like the longest three hours in Jaebum’s life.

 

However, when Jaebum exits the elevator and he sees their friends sitting outside Jinyoung’s room with sullen, forlorn expressions, his steps slow down, his feet almost halting to a stop.

 

Mark is the first person who notices Jaebum, and as the eldest of them calls him, the rest of their friends look at Jaebum, and he almost runs away and down the stairs when he sees them with swollen, red eyes. Jaebum feels his heart pick up speed.

 

“Why are you all outside?” he notes when he reaches them, Youngjae immediately attaching himself to Jaebum.

 

“He was mad at us,” Yugyeom quips, sniffling.

 

“All of us. For calling you,” Bambam adds, hugging his knees closer to his chest.

 

“Jinyoung’s parents are downstairs with Jackson,” Mark explains, cautiously looking at the door of Jinyoung’s room. Jaebum nods, pulls Youngjae gently away from him and lets Mark hold him still, and opens the door.

 

The first thing Jaebum’s mind registers upon entering the room is Jinyoung’s state—he looks so flaccid, so weak, so gaunt, that Jaebum’s breath hitches at the sight of him. There’s a multitude of tubes that disappear inside Jinyoung’s hospital clothes, the silence of the room sharpening the sounds of the machines.

 

Jaebum may be the healthy one, but his heart feels so painful in his chest that he might as well die.

 

“Jinyoung-ah.”

 

Jinyoung turns around sharply at the mention of his name, his eyes sad and apologetic for a sickness he didn’t even wish for himself. “Jaebum.” Jinyoung attempts to cover up his sadness with a cocky grin, but it looks so forced that Jaebum wants to throw up. “Were you done shooting? How was it?”

 

Jaebum ignores Jinyoung’s queries, his arms crossed across his chest as if to hide the pain he feels at the sight of Jinyoung. “You should have called me.”

 

“I—“

 

“You promised you’ll never keep anything from me ever again!” Jaebum screams. For the past months, Jaebum had managed to control his temper, but he feels so hurt, so frustrated, and he can’t help lashing out. Even if he knows he shouldn’t. Jaebum doesn’t intend to sound so accusatory, but Jinyoung looks pained and about to cry, and Jaebum hates himself even more. “I’m sorry. I’ll go out for a while.”

 

“Please,” Jinyoung cries when Jaebum turns around to slide the door open, “please stay.”

 

“Then tell me why you didn’t want me to know about today.”

 

“I—“ Jinyoung takes a deep gasp, pausing for a moment to clutch at his chest. In alarm, Jaebum runs to his bed and almost trips face first, attending to Jinyoung while simultaneously trying to contact his doctor. Jinyoung stops him with a screaming plea in his eyes, and Jaebum obliges unwillingly.

 

“You were fine just this morning,” Jaebum hiccups as he holds Jinyoung close and feels his irregular breathing, his chest heaving up and down as he inhales and exhales with difficulty. “And then I left, and suddenly—“

 

“Shh,” Jinyoung shushes him quietly, kissing his temple as he works hard to regain his regular heartbeats. “Not your fault,” he says, his voice tender and soothing despite the huge effort to speak. Jaebum notices how longer it’s taking Jinyoung now to recover back to his normal rate, the younger male always drenched in sweat as he struggles to breathe, struggles to overcome the chest pains.

 

“I shouldn’t have left,” Jaebum says when he tucks Jinyoung under layers and layers of blankets, his hand cold as it intertwines with Jaebum’s.

 

“Which is why I didn’t tell you,” Jinyoung says, relaxing Jaebum by rubbing circles at the back of his hand. “I don’t want you to stop living your life just because I’m dying.”

 

“You are not dying,” Jaebum retorts, gulping down a lump in his throat. “You’re fine.”

 

“I can’t breathe properly.”

 

“I’ll call Dr. Kang.”

 

“No. I mean it. I can feel myself dying.”

 

“No,” Jaebum insists, eyes taking in Jinyoung’s sick form. “You promised that you’ll live for as long as you can, didn’t you? You promised to stay with me – with all of us – and you can’t break that.”

 

“Jaebummie,” Jinyoung coos, biting his lower lip to stop himself from sobbing. But a lone tear falls from the corner of his eye. “I don’t want to be here. Get me out of here.”

 

“They have to make sure you’re healthy enough before they discharge you.”

 

“That won’t happen; I’ll never be _healthy enough_ for their standards again.”

 

Jinyoung sounds so weak and his voice feels so quiet that Jaebum can hear both their hearts shattering. Silent tears are endlessly falling down Jinyoung’s face, his eyes shut close and his hand holding Jaebum tightly. Jaebum wants to cry, wants to destroy everything he could hold, but he keeps himself from lashing out again. Every time he does so, Jinyoung gets emotionally hurt, and Jaebum doesn’t want to cause Jinyoung any further pain.

 

So he suppresses his own pain and holds Jinyoung back, whispering endearing nothings to his ears.

 

“I’m sorry for not telling you immediately,” Jinyoung murmurs, his voice weak. Jaebum can feel his lips quiver against his ear. “I know you’re busy with all the projects you’re helping with, and I want you to be able to work on them without distractions, with your mind full on the job.”

 

“I know, baby. I know,” Jaebum replies back, kissing Jinyoung’s lips once, twice, three times.

 

Whenever Jaebum thinks he can’t love Jinyoung any deeper, the younger proves him wrong. It’s breathlessly endearing how Jinyoung still thinks of his welfare, of his condition, when he has so much pain and aching to handle. Jaebum knows he thinks about Jinyoung and the younger’s condition all the time, but Jaebum also knows that Jinyoung thinks of his and all their friends’ conditions too as much as they do. And it makes him love Jinyoung even more than he think he could.

 

Jinyoung falls asleep soon enough, clinging onto Jaebum’s arms tightly, not willing to let go. They’re attached so closely with Jaebum half-asleep beside the bed when the door creaks open, Jinyoung’s mom peeking through.

 

“Jaebum-ah,” she calls softly, her eyes willing Jaebum to come to her. “Just for a minute.”

 

When Jaebum comes out, the corridor is clear of their friends. The hallway is eerily silent, only the silent hiccups of Jinyoung’s sisters and Mr. Park consoling his family the noise in the area. Jaebum doesn’t think he can handle more people crying, not when Dr. Kang is watching him closely with keen eyes, a deep sigh coming out of her lips.

 

And it’s almost anticlimactic when Dr. Kang speaks, as if Jaebum already has everything that’s going to happen playing in his mind before it does. He can only laugh mirthlessly when the words come out of the doctor’s lips, his gut bitter and his lips feeling so sour. _Now_ he wants to lash out. Maybe punch the walls until the hospital comes down crumbling like Jaebum’s being.

 

“We’re lucky if Jinyoung’s heart can hold on until New Year’s Day.”

 

Jaebum wants to say something, mutter something shitty like _Nice._ just for the sake of it, but even the single word won’t come out of his trembling lips.

 

\--

 

“I miss waking up to your embrace,” Jinyoung huffs the next morning when Jaebum feeds him the tray of food provided by the nurse. It’s barely 7 AM, the sun still sleeping the early winter morning.

 

“Do you want me to wheel in another hospital bed later?” Jaebum kids, and Jinyoung pouts. Jaebum kisses his pout away before slipping the spoon of porridge between his lips.

 

“I want to go home,” Jinyoung sulks, pulling the blanket further up his nose. “I don’t want to die here.”

 

“No one’s dying,” Jaebum sighs.

 

“I am.” Jaebum ignores Jinyoung and offers him another spoonful of food. He shakes his head no, and Jaebum eats the rest on the bowl. “You know that I know, right?” Jaebum frowns in disagreement. “Fifteen days?”

 

“ _At least_ fifteen days.”

 

“ _At most_ fifteen days,” Jinyoung retorts, sitting upright to take his medicine. “Please, Jaebum, help me here. I don’t want to spend my last fifteen days confined in this hospital room.”

 

“We don’t want to risk it.”

 

“At this rate, I’m going to die of boredom!” Jinyoung screeches, before he takes the blankets all the way up his head to hide away from Jaebum.

 

For two minutes flat, Jaebum just watches Jinyoung, waits until he shifts. When he stubbornly stays on his spot, Jaebum heaves a deep sigh before sitting beside Jinyoung’s bed, readily giving in. “Fine.” At the first sign of surrender, Jinyoung is quick to jolt up again and smile innocently widely at Jaebum. “But tell me what you want to do.”

 

“That’s easy,” Jinyoung grins, and before long, Jaebum finds himself listening to the younger enumerate the things he wants to do.

 

Jinyoung wants to stroll around, watch the city get littered with bits of snow. He wants to shop around and buy presents for everyone, buy adorable wrappers to wrap them with. He wants to cook, much to Jaebum’s chagrin, but he charms his way through his plan by tickling Jaebum’s neck with butterfly kisses. He wants to decorate the Christmas tree, wants to put the star up. He wants to build a snowman with their younger friends, play around the snow like they always do. Jinyoung wants to enjoy, wants to live like he doesn’t have a time limit. Jinyoung wants to be with them – be with Jaebum – and with the way his eyes turn glassy at the possibility of being prohibited to do the things he wants to, Jaebum decides to pull all strings just to let Jinyoung have his way.

 

\--

 

Dr. Kang asks Jaebum and Jinyoung a few days to make sure the younger is at least stable enough to go home before she gives them the thumbs up, allowing Jinyoung to go home after the younger enthusiastically agrees to call Dr. Kang every two hours so she could check up on him.

 

The moment Jinyoung sets foot inside their house, he screams so loud Jaebum almost bangs himself unconscious on the door at the sound.

 

“What?” Jaebum, and basically everyone in the house, asks in alarm.

 

“Why isn’t there a Christmas tree!” There’s a collective sigh of relief at Jinyoung’s outburst, Jackson even going all the way from the kitchen to Jinyoung to smack him on the head.

 

“We’re not exactly feeling festive,” Jinyoung’s eldest sister says, hugging Jinyoung welcome. The rest of the people inside the house hugs him then, with the exception of Jackson who is still feeling outright offended.

 

And so the first thing that Jinyoung ticks off of his list is decorating the Christmas tree, Jaebum lifting him up every now and then so he could reach the higher parts. After setting the tree up, Jinyoung’s parents left to check on the diner, and so did Jinyoung’s sisters, leaving Mark and Jaebum to clean up after the younger boys’ chaos.

 

From ribbons to balls to angels and turtle doves, Jaebum can see Jinyoung smiling from ear to ear, smacking Jackson at every opportunity for ruining their pattern. Jinyoung pauses to rest from moment to moment, gingerly sliding on Jaebum’s lap and sniffing his neck. Beneath the enthusiasm, Jaebum can see Jinyoung’s tiredness, can feel the quick beat of his heart whenever he embraces Jaebum and his short, uneven huffs of breath.

 

“You want to sleep?” Jaebum asks one time when Jinyoung’s head falls limply on his shoulder.

 

“I want a kiss,” he kids, but Jaebum still obliges, and he can feel Jinyoung kiss his worry away.

 

It takes the five younger boys a few hours before they were sweaty and done, their eyes sparkly with pride at their masterpiece. Jackson yells exaggeratedly in glee, jumping atop Mark after putting the last ball on the tree. Youngjae, Bambam, and Yugyeom sing wildly and jump around energetically, before falling on their back at the floor, wiping their sweats.

 

Jinyoung smiles mirthfully, his eyes going from Jaebum to their artwork. Jaebum smiles back, before lifting Jinyoung up princess style.

 

“Yah!”

 

“Gonna put you above the tree,” Jaebum explains, grinning cheekily.

 

“What the hell!”

 

“I said,” Jaebum says slowly, kissing the tip of Jinyoung’s nose, “I’m going to put my star atop the tree.” Their friends screech in fake disgust, and Jinyoung shimmies out of Jaebum’s hold in embarrassment.

 

\--

 

Jaebum sees the poem one evening when he’s cleaning up Jinyoung’s room because the latter fell asleep in the middle of gift wrapping, his floor insanely chaotic with boxes and ribbons and gift wrappers.

 

 _Farewell_ is the written title, a messy scribble in Jinyoung’s penmanship. It’s written in a pale blue stationery, the top a dark shade of blue and littered with stars. The paper is a little crumbled, weighed down by an English novel.

 

_The winter breeze and this feeling that autumn left—_

_It all makes my heart ache in bereft._

_As I long for your touch and warmth,_

_I feel the cold gripping at my heart._

A stanza, with four lines, and Jaebum finds the oxygen flow out of his body already. As if highly offended, he slams the paper back on the table, opting to proceed cleaning instead.

 

But moments later, after Jinyoung’s floor is free of trash again, Jaebum finds himself taking a seat on the younger’s desk and reading the rest of the poem. And maybe he shouldn’t have, maybe he should’ve stuck with the original plan to allow Jinyoung’s breathing lull him to sleep after he showered.

 

Because, as Jaebum takes in the entirety of the poem, he can almost feel Jinyoung bidding good bye, can feel the younger take steps away from all of them.

 

“I thought I already threw that away,” Jinyoung muses, snapping Jaebum out of his nightmare. He’s drowsily rubbing his sleepy eyes.

 

He swallows down a huge lump in his throat, his eyes fixated on the piece of paper where Jinyoung verbosely poured his heart out. “Why do you always do this?”

 

“Do what?” Jinyoung asks, and Jaebum can feel him sashaying from the bed towards where Jaebum is seated.

 

“Say good bye.”

 

“Because,” he starts, sitting on Jaebum’s lap, “I don’t want to leave people hanging. I don’t want people to wake up looking for me, waiting for me. I’ve been hurting all the people I love since I was born, and I don’t want to worsen the pain by leaving without so much as a good bye.”

 

“I don’t want to hear you say good bye. It’s like you gave up already.”

 

“I did not; my body did. At this moment, I’m just waiting for my deteriorating heart to stop functioning.”

 

“Don’t say that,” Jaebum pleads, pressing his eyes on Jinyoung’s shoulder blades to stop the tears. “I don’t want to hear it.”

 

“Well, newsflash: your boyfriend is dying and you’ve got to deal with it.”

 

“Not when he can live.”

 

“How? You’re going to give me your heart?”

 

“If I need to.”

 

“Okay, stop right there,” Jinyoung interrupts, standing up. “ _You_ – don’t say that. I won’t take it.” Jaebum looks up to Jinyoung, the younger’s hand on his hip and the other pointing accusatorily at Jaebum. “You can’t die for me—not when I want to live my life _with you_.”

 

“I could say the same to you,” Jaebum shots back, to which Jinyoung hangs his head low. Jaebum sighs. “I know it’s hard for you—trying to live longer for the people you love, trying to survive from all the pain you feel. And I understand that you’ve lived all your life with your sickness, and somehow, you’re ready to just go, but please consider us, too. Consider how we’ll all be left here wishing we could’ve done more for you, wishing we could’ve given more.”

 

“I’m sorry,” Jinyoung sobs quietly, his eyes staring down the floor. “I won’t mention it again.”

 

“Good,” Jaebum breathes before he stands up and pulls Jinyoung to the bed, embracing the younger male as tightly as he could without cutting his air supply. “Good night, baby. I love you.”

 

“I love you.”

 

That night, Jaebum dreams of himself reading Jinyoung’s poem repeatedly until the paper is too wet to stay intact, and when he looks up, he’s in a tunnel. Long and dark and scary, with Jinyoung waving good bye to him, his smile more blinding than the white light he’s walking towards. When a tear falls from Jaebum’s eyes, it felt fearfully real—Jinyoung walking away from him and everyone. And then he sees Jinyoung run back, race back to him and hug him close, apologizing profusely while kissing him on the lips.

 

Jaebum wakes up panting and breathless, and he dare not sleep again, opting to watch the younger’s chest heave up and down as he finds solace in his dreams.

 

\--

 

They rush Jinyoung to the hospital at 8 PM on the 23rd of December.

 

All six of them are waiting outside Jinyoung’s hospital room, and so are Jinyoung’s and Jaebum’s families. They’re quiet, the younger boys too tired to cry even more, and Jinyoung’s parents trying to look so strong. It’s silent, so silent, that Jaebum can hear Jinyoung’s agonizing screams of pain, torturously loud for their ears. Conversing with their eyes, he asks Mark to escort everyone home as Jinyoung would definitely prefer if he could say it so himself.

 

So they all left, leaving Jaebum, Youngjae, and his parents. Jaebum wants to kick Youngjae out too, but he insists on staying, bargains with Jaebum that he’ll go if Jaebum would, too.

 

By 10 PM, Jinyoung sounds so hoarse, but exhaustion does nothing to minimize his sobs, the sound too painful and twisting Jaebum’s gut. He wants to barge in, wants to hug Jinyoung consolingly so he’s not curling himself in pain, so he’s not weeping alone. Jaebum wants to scream, wants to despise the world for hurting the one person he loves the most, but he can’t. He can’t find his voice, can’t find his sanity.

 

It’s Youngjae who brings Jaebum back from what feels like death.

 

“Did you know that it was Jackson-hyung who asked me not to introduce Jinyoung-hyung to you?” Jaebum frowns in bafflement, and despite his puffy eyes, Youngjae chuckles. “Of all of us, Jackson-hyung is the most protective of Jinyoung-hyung, and even when you visit me or auntie here in Seoul once in a while, I did not introduce you to my friends. Not even when you’re making fun of me for having no friends,” he says, wrapping his arms around Jaebum’s waist. “And I don’t even have to ask Jackson-hyung why, because I know.

 

“Because, Jaebum-hyung, you’re exactly Jinyoung-hyung’s type.” Jaebum’s cheeks warm at Youngjae’s statement, the younger male poking him on his side. “Of course he doesn’t know about your rebellious phase yet,” Youngjae winks, “but physically, you’re his ideal guy. Someone who smiles with his teeth, who laughs wholeheartedly, whose shoulders are broad and sturdy because he doesn’t have those, whose embrace is warm to keep him from the cold.

 

“And I knew, one look at you and he’ll go crazy. Your eyes will be the first he’ll see, and then he’ll fall smitten with your twin moles. And when you see him, you’ll smile, and he’ll melt on his spot because he loves beautiful smiles. Though your forehead definitely attracted him the most, and the way your hair falls above you eyebrows.” Youngjae stares at him, and Jaebum feels like Youngjae can hear through his mind, hear him gush over Jinyoung as much as the younger probably did. “But what made him say yes at your coffee date invitation, I’m 100% sure, is your good smell.”

 

At this, Jaebum can’t help but laugh, remembering the first time he and Jinyoung went out and the younger unabashedly attached himself to him, admitting shyly that he loved smelling Jaebum’s manly scent.

 

“And I know you well, which is why I knew better than to disobey Jackson-hyung and not listen to him. I knew you’d like Jinyoung-hyung immediately, but you weren’t one who commits. Jinyoung-hyung gets attached easily, and we don’t want anyone temporary.” Youngjae sighs, his eyes staring blankly ahead. “But it’s like you’re meant for each other, you know? Even with him being admitted to the hospital where your mom works, and even though I knew him since I was young, you did not meet through us. You met on your own. Like your stars aligned and the universe conspired or something like that.”

 

Jaebum allows himself to laugh freely, to enjoy the thought of the universe coming to terms that he and Jinyoung are destined. He laughs, before it subsides as he feels his overwhelming emotions wash over him. “Looking at Jinyoung that day, I knew I want him. Want to hear his mellifluous voice scream my name dirtily, want to bend him and knead his ass to my satisfaction. But somehow, he wormed his way to my heart, and I didn’t know when he stopped being the person I want to sleep with and began being the person I want to wake up to.”

 

“I’m glad you found each other,” Youngjae says, hugging Jaebum tiredly before he goes limp, sobbing his heart out.

 

\--

 

Everyone comes back the next day, finding Jaebum sleeping on the chair beside Jinyoung’s bed with the latter surrounded by even more machines. Jaebum can also see how Jinyoung feels uncomfortable seeing doctors and nurses more than he usually does, but he looks too exhausted to even fight back and he just cooperates tiredly.

 

“I don’t want to spend our first Christmas together here,” Jinyoung cries that afternoon after the nurse on duty gets out, his eyes too red and too swollen for crying overnight.

 

“It doesn’t matter where we’ll celebrate, so long as we’re together,” Jaebum replies, kissing Jinyoung sweetly, his arms pulling Jinyoung closer to himself like he’d slip if Jaebum won’t hold him tightly.

 

Jinyoung seems satisfied at his reply, gaining a little energy enough to play with the younger boys after a few hours. Jinyoung also gets to play with a few of the kids from the ward, Jaebum’s mom taking them to his room to entertain him a bit. Jaebum loves watching Jinyoung play with kids, feels his heart fall deeper in love at the sight. The way Jinyoung’s face contorts in inexplicable happiness and the way his hands tenderly pinch the kids’ cheeks, Jaebum makes sure to take a snap.

 

It’s 9 PM when Jinyoung goes back to bed, Jaebum attending to him as the younger’s parents prepare the food for everyone. He doesn’t even look for their other friends, thoughtfully considering that everyone might be at home and preparing with their respective families.

 

So it surprises Jinyoung genuinely when Jaebum assists him downstairs an hour before midnight, the hospital’s huge Christmas tree littered with kids and gifts, Jinyoung gasping audibly when he sees the boxes he wrapped along the other gifts under the tree.

 

“Oh my god,” Jinyoung murmurs, his hand covering his open mouth.

 

Jaebum hugs him from the back, kissing his temple. “All for you, baby.”

 

Jaebum knows Jinyoung feels tired and a little sleepy, but it doesn’t stop him from hugging back every single person who approaches him, also allowing Jackson to leave an open-mouthed kiss to his cheek, making all of them laugh. For a moment, Jaebum pretends that everything is okay, that Jinyoung is happily celebrating the holidays with them, that his time isn’t limited. It’s so easy to fake it, but every time Jinyoung freezes on his spot to take a deep breath, Jaebum breaks internally.

 

“So,” Jinyoung says a few minutes before Christmas, his arms wrapping possessively around Jaebum, “where’s my gift?” Jaebum smirks, pulling Jinyoung down to kiss him fully on the lips. They share a conspiratorial grin after Jinyoung pulls away and says, “I’d take that.”

 

“I don’t know what to give you,” Jaebum confesses, his cheeks warming in shame. “I mean, do you want the stars? Or the moon? Or which planet do you want me to give you?”

 

“Asshole,” Jinyoung barks, hitting Jaebum’s arms.

 

It’s fifteen minutes past midnight when Jinyoung alarmingly gasps a deep inhale, before he gives up in defeat and asks Jaebum to bring him back to his room. It’s then, with Jaebum carrying him princess style as they ascend the stairs, that Jinyoung says, “I’ve had a lot of fun tonight.”

 

“I’m looking forward to our first New Year together,” Jaebum replies, and he knows Jinyoung wants to argue, wants to scream at Jaebum to stop hoping because he’ll be disappointed, but he keeps quiet, whispering endless apologies as he sobs. Jinyoung must be thinking that Jaebum can’t hear, but the all the _sorrys_ register clearly, his heart shattering at the defeat in Jinyoung’s voice.

 

\--

 

“You know you don’t have to clean up my room, right?” As Jinyoung becomes sicker than he used to be, his voice sounds less enthused and becomes less energetic, but his eyes are still playfully teasing as ever, keen on Jaebum as the younger watches him go around his room and set the laptop up. He has Jinyoung on video call as soon as he arrived at the house, ready to clean Jinyoung’s room.

 

“I want to,” Jaebum argues, clearing up Jinyoung’s desk to steady the laptop. “It smells in here.”

 

“You slept in my room _for days_.”

 

“It smelled less horrible when I’m cuddling with you,” Jaebum winks, and Jinyoung laughs as hard as his heart allows. “And besides, it’s some sort of a new year, new room clean up. Except _I’m_ the one who will clean up _your_ room.”

 

Jinyoung sighs, “No need. I won’t even make it.”

 

“Shh!” Jaebum yells, exaggeratedly covering his ears and shutting his eyes. “Stop it! I’m not listening!” He hears Jinyoung chuckle, probably from how stupid he looks with exaggerated antics, but at least he complies and just lets Jaebum do the cleaning.

 

As Jaebum cleans around and disposes of anything that feels like garbage for him, Jinyoung talks him through it. Usually, Jaebum blasts his speakers with ballads and pop rock, but listening to Jinyoung ramble stuff about his things and how Jaebum basically wants to throw everything altogether isn’t a bad thing to do as he cleans.

 

“It felt like an entirely different world,” Jaebum says one moment when he lifted Jinyoung’s mattress off the bed frame, finding underneath pieces and pieces _and more pieces_ of papers and receipts.

 

“Wait until you see my closet,” Jinyoung quips as he munches on a peach, finding interest in watching Jaebum sneeze from all the collected dust.

 

And it’s true—opening the doors of Jinyoung’s closet felt like jumping down a rabbit’s hole, or something arguably close to that. Jaebum expects to see a load of sweaters and scarves and coats and beanies, but the younger’s closet is only half clothes, if not less. Inside are books, and DVDs, and mementos and keepsakes _and even more books._

 

“Just how many books do you have?” Jaebum queries as he takes everything out, lifting the hardbound books and gasping in scandal at the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy. “Really?” Jinyoung doesn’t say anything to defend his book choices that apparently include Lolita, but he spent a few minutes not looking at Jaebum. “You should buy a shelf or something,” Jaebum comments, noting how empty Jinyoung’s room actually is. Aside from his bed that looks so white and so dull, there’s only Jinyoung’s closet that lined up the wall adjacent to the bed, a huge TV that’s stuck on the wall, and a desk area with a large corkboard above. Minus the mess sprawled on Jinyoung’s floor, his room is mostly just carpeted floor.

 

“I have a shelf,” Jinyoung pointedly argues.

 

“No, you don’t. You put your books on an empty space on your floor,” Jaebum reasons. “I can see your mess already occupied most of your space you so started stashing your books in your closet.”

 

“You are so mean,” Jinyoung pouts, playing with the tubes disappearing inside his hospital gown. “My hardbound books are too expensive and I can’t risk the kids sitting on them.”

 

“Fine,” Jaebum says, before he starts sorting through the random pieces of mementos he found among many other things on Jinyoung’s closet.

 

“Oh my god,” Jinyoung gasps when Jaebum picks up the lid of a navy blue box, piquing his interest even more.

 

“What’s here—oh my god. These are tons of pictures,” he comments, picking up printed and Polaroid photos of him and Jinyoung, from whenever the younger plays with his Bart camera. There are also photos of him with their other friends from way back before they even met Jaebum. There are a lot of photos taken by different people inside the box and Jaebum knows he can spend all day looking through them, but something hard and framed at the bottom catches his attention, and it takes him five seconds before he recognizes the sketch he had made of Jinyoung. “Why do you have this?”

 

“You gave that to me. Unknowingly, I figured. You said it was from Myungsoo,” he explains, asking Jaebum to put the sketch closer to the screen. Much to Jaebum’s embarrassment, he stares at it for a moment with fond eyes.

 

“Oh my god, this is embarrassing,” Jaebum says when he puts the frame back on the box, opting to take a look at the other photos instead.

 

“Who made that?” Jinyoung asks, a cute frown adorning his features. “I never got to ask Myungsoo.”

 

“I had it made by a friend,” Jaebum answers, eyes anywhere but on Jinyoung. “Please don’t make me say more.”

 

“But I’m curious,” Jinyoung prods, “the date at the back says 15th March. That’s the day after we met.”

 

With a deep sigh that’s probably a sign of Jaebum’s scrambling dignity, he supplies, “We were together for a few hours on the afternoon of fourteenth, but I forgot to ask your number.”

 

“Yup, I thought you weren’t interested,” Jinyoung interrupts.

 

“It’s not that. It’s mostly because I was too enticed to think,” he adds, winking. “Anyway, I didn’t think I’d meet you after that, so I had someone draw you from memory.”

 

“Wow,” Jinyoung whispers, awed. “So if I happen to make a crime, I’d make sure you’re not around or else I’m dead.”

 

Jaebum laughs, itching to flick the younger’s forehead. “Anyway, I thought I had this hidden in the deepest depths of my room, but apparently, Myungsoo knew where I kept it.”

 

“It’s beautiful,” Jinyoung mumbles, smiling. “Not because I’m the one sketched, but it just really is.”

 

And Jaebum agrees. On the sketch is what Jaebum believes the second most beautiful Jinyoung—the _real_ and alive Jinyoung being the most. His eye whiskers are visible, and so is the dimple on his right cheek. His hair is disheveled, his hand covering a portion of his toothed laugh, his nose scrunched up as Nora played with his ears. The way Jinyoung’s features were drawn are lucid, a far cry from how blurrily depicted the surrounding was. And Jaebum realizes it’s the same in his memory: how everything blurs whenever he’s looking at Jinyoung.

 

If there are tons of photos, then there are even more bits of paper lying around. From the receipts of the books he bought for himself to the receipts of gifts he bought for other people, to the amusement park and airplane tickets, they’re all messily thrown together, and without having to ask Jinyoung, Jaebum knows better than to throw them away, because he knows they’re important pieces of memories for the younger.

 

“Hey,” Jaebum calls when he’s straightening the crumpled bits of paper, “I haven’t asked you yet, but why were you in Jeju last summer?”

 

“What? Did you buy Jeju but forgot to give out the memo that other people can’t fly there?”

 

“Stop being such a smartass.”

 

Jinyoung cackles. “I got an anonymous tip that the person I was looking for was, well, in Jeju.”

 

“Myungsoo,” Jaebum breathes under his breath.

 

“I didn’t want to go at first, thinking you ran away and disappeared because I’m too awesome for you,” he starts, grinning mischievously. “And I may sound like a super sappy Jackson, but I kept thinking and imagining of another day not seeing you, and it’s not healthy. I thought about you with another person, and my heart ached. I thought about not hearing from you anymore, and I feel a painful longing, like all my life I had you and you suddenly disappeared.”

 

“Well, I’m glad you took that flight.” Jaebum smiles at Jinyoung, and the younger giggles as if held captive by the curve of his lips.

 

In the middle of cleaning, Jinyoung tells Jaebum he’d sleep for a while, hanging up the call. It’s after Jinyoung kissed him good bye on the screen that he calls Mark, tells the elder that they can all go inside and help him set-up.

 

\--

 

“I’m jealous of the people who get to see you everyday,” Jinyoung says as soon as Jaebum opens the door of his hospital room the next morning, the multitude of tubes around his body and the machines surrounding his bed distracting and noisy, but aren’t hindrances for him to hear the younger’s soft tantrum.

 

Jaebum leans down and kisses Jinyoung’s lips before he says, “By this, you meant Nora, right?” Jinyoung pouts defiantly, eyes accusatory. It’s not until Jaebum finishes telling the younger that _no, I almost never see even Jackson now_ , and _no, I barely talk to my classmates except for those whom I directly work with for my film_ that Jinyoung stops sulking and welcomes him in his embrace.

 

“It’s snowing outside,” Jaebum says as he wraps another scarf around Jinyoung’s next, kissing the top of his head as he does so.

 

“I want to see,” the younger says, eyes hopeful as he stares straight at Jaebum. Always enchanted by the magical power hiding beneath his puppy eyes, Jaebum finds himself walking outside with Jinyoung after talking to Dr. Kang, their fingers interlaced.

 

They didn’t go too far, just far back enough for Jinyoung to enjoy the scenery without any unwanted sound interfering the serenity. They share a tranquil moment for a while, Jinyoung reaching up to catch the flakes before it reaches his nose, eyes filled with childish glee.

 

“Bummie, thank you,” Jinyoung says, taking Jaebum’s eyes off the viewfinder of his camera. “Thank you, for staying with me like I’m worth your time. Thank you for not walking away when you have all the reasons to leave. Thank you for ameliorating my hard days with a smile… and a kiss if I get lucky.”

 

Jaebum realizes, as he watches the younger smile up at him with the adorable, boyish smile where his teeth are exposed childishly with the snow falling dramatically in the background, that Jinyoung is worth the risk, worth facing the fears, and worth taking the bullets. Jaebum realizes upon Jinyoung’s arrival in his life that love is not about playing safe—it’s about taking risks.

 

\--

 

_Hug me tight, hold me close,_

_Stay by my side as a write you a prose._

The day Jinyoung’s room underwent Jaebum’s reorganization, he asked the younger if he could keep the piece of paper with Jinyoung’s poem. Jinyoung agreed, and since then, Jaebum couldn’t keep his eyes off it, memorizing the words like his own.

 

So it doesn’t come as a surprise whenever he sees Jinyoung and a line or two pops up in his head, as if the latter is living the poem he wrote. As much as possible, Jaebum doesn’t want each line, each stanza, to be so fitting in the passing days. Jinyoung infuriatingly dubbed _Farewell_ as his final words, his departing message, and as awed as he is of the words in the poem, Jaebum also finds it depressingly painful.

 

“What are you writing?”

 

Jinyoung leans up, closing his notebook as he kisses Jaebum. “My last will.”

 

“Funny.” With the huge paper plane on the leather navy cover of the notebook, Jaebum recognizes it as Mark’s Christmas gift for Jinyoung. For days, Jinyoung would spend hours staring at it, wondering loudly what he would do with it. He planned on writing stuff he wants to do for the next year, but passed on it because he didn’t think he’d even make it. Jinyoung also thought of writing final messages for all the people who mattered, but found the task too tedious for his lazy butt. One of his best (or worst, as Jackson said) ideas was to write endless wishes for all his friends to fulfill, pointedly sassing that the first would definitely be: _I wish for Mark-hyung to get a new boyfriend because Jackson is fucking annoying_.

 

In the end, Jinyoung settled on letting the notebook be, finding writing such a tiring task for his “wilting limbs.” (Jaebum vocally pointed that he did not like how Jinyoung termed it.) However, he seems to feel better that day, as Jaebum finds him sitting on the bed and watching the little light filter through the open curtains, tapping his pen repeatedly.

 

“So, I talked to Dr. Kang,” Jaebum says, fixing the crumpled sheets at the foot of his bed.

 

“And?” Jinyoung prods, though with the way his eyes smile victoriously, Jaebum knows that he already knows what he’s about to say.

 

“It’s a yes,” he confirms. “You can stay home.”

 

“Of course,” Jinyoung grins, biting his lower lip cheekily. “Who can ever say no to a dying man?”

 

As per usual, Jaebum ignores Jinyoung’s crap and prepares his bag so they can get home quickly, the boys and the younger’s family waiting for them with wistful hope, wishing for the heavens to grant them all a miracle.

 

They don’t talk about Jinyoung’s expiring time, but it doesn’t mean it’s not happening.

 

\--

 

As the hands of the clock tick and tick and tick past 11 PM, Youngjae’s and Bambam’s and Yugyeom’s hugs get tighter, nearly suffocating Jinyoung at one moment. It’s as if the younger boys are clinging onto Jinyoung like he would disappear like the enchanting presents of the fairy godmother to Cinderella when the clock strikes midnight. Jinyoung’s family are wary as well as they watch over Jinyoung, Mrs. Park’s eyes especially panicked like Jinyoung’s heart would give out any moment. Jaebum can’t blame any of them, even when Jackson starts quietly sobbing in Mark’s shoulders, because even he is holding onto his mom not to kidnap Jinyoung and hide him where death couldn’t get him.

 

“I’m kind of sleepy already,” Jinyoung mutters in Yugyeom’s chest, the youngest boy almost pleading him not to sleep nor close his eyes. But Jinyoung stands up and seeks for Jaebum’s hold, and he immediately walked towards Jinyoung, the latter attaching to him as soon as he got there, eyes widening in silent surprise at the sight of Mark cooing Jackson consolingly.

 

“Let’s get you to bed, then,” Jaebum says, walking slowly with Jinyoung. He nods subtly at their five other friends, Youngjae patting the Jackson and giving him a bright smile to lighten him up.

 

When they reach Jinyoung’s door, Jaebum tells him to open it. Jinyoung obliges. Jaebum turns around for a moment to grab something from Mark, and then they hear Jinyoung’s soft gasp.

 

One moment, his hand is on the knob. And then the next, his hands are covering his mouth.

 

“Oh my god,” Jinyoung mumbles under his breath, angling his neck up to stare at his own universe. Jaebum smiles as he blindly watches Jinyoung’s figure disappear in the dark, all the efforts of sticking up the glow-in-the-dark stars and moon decals on his ceiling worth every second.

 

“I don’t know which start you want in particular, so I caught you a few.” Jinyoung looks back at Jaebum, and he finds himself smiling lovingly down at him, whispering “Open the lights, baby,” as he kisses him passionately.

 

And open the light Jinyoung does. It’s in that moment that Jinyoung’s tears fall from his eyes, his sweater-pawed hands clutching at his chest.

 

With the help of mostly everyone, Jaebum printed photos of him and Jinyoung, pasting them on strings that hang below star-shaped balloons. Jaebum doesn’t know where Bambam and Yugyeom found the balloons, nor does he know how much time Mark and Jackson spent airing them up, but he thanked them endlessly, and with the triumphant grins on their faces as they all watch Jinyoung go through all the photos hanging from all the balloons, Jaebum knows their efforts are worth it.

 

“These are… a lot of photos,” Jinyoung says as he holds a photo of him allowing a little girl to put on him a bold red lipstick. “Oh my god.”

 

“Look at this; it’s my favorite.” Jaebum pulls Jinyoung and shows him a blurry photo he took of Jinyoung, the younger’s sleepy self pulling down his hand to rub circles on his back and almost hitting his own head with Jaebum’s camera.

 

“I remember that,” Jinyoung says disbelievingly, eyes reflecting the same intense and fervent love on Jaebum’s own.

 

“I have always enjoyed taking pictures of you. The moment you just woke up and you’re rubbing your eyes awake; when you’re in my bathroom and brushing your teeth, watching the sods drip from your chin to the sink; when you’re in my kitchen, trying and failing to cook me a single pancake; when you’re on my couch, petting Nora to sleep but falling asleep even before she can; when you’re on my personal space, swatting my camera off your face because you’re not pretty at the moment you’d say, but even your blurriest pictures are worth framing I’d reply—and that’s true, hundred percent genuine. I love taking pictures of you, especially at moments only I’m allowed to witness,” Jaebum confesses, fingers tucking Jinyoung’s hair at the back of his ear. “Anyone can take photos of you doing extraordinary things, but only I can photograph you in your amazing simplicity.”

 

Jinyoung hugs Jaebum tightly, his never-ending apologies unsaid but not unheard. Jinyoung sobs in Jaebum’s neck, cries his name like it’s the last he’ll ever say it, and Jaebum hugs him back.

 

Bambam’s disgusted squeal pulls them out of their bubble, screaming at the top of his lungs, “10! 9! 8!”

 

Before the countdown reaches 1, Jaebum lets go of Jinyoung. They all scream in enthusiasm when the clock strikes midnight, the fear of good bye vanishing for a moment as they pull at their DIY party poppers, bits and bits of paper flying all over the room as Jackson, Bambam, Youngjae, and Yugyeom scream “Happy New Year!!!” at the top of their lungs.

 

Except they weren’t blank bits of colorful papers, which Jinyoung notices when he picked up a piece on his hair.

 

“Oh my _god_.”

 

“For a moment I thought he wouldn’t notice,” Jackson cackles as they watch Jinyoung pick up piece after piece, reading the notes written haphazardly on them.

 

It’s a variety of notes: Yugyeom telling Jinyoung how mean he is (but tells him on another bit of paper that he is his favorite hyung despite being a spawn of the devil), Bambam dissing Jinyoung’s ill fashion choices (but asks him to give him _that_ beanie he loves so much), Youngjae telling Jinyoung that he’s the most amazing hyung in the whole world (and telling it again and again for twenty more times), Mark scribbling English words synonymous to ‘beautiful,’ and Jackson competitively writing ‘I love you’ in different languages that he probably just Google-translated. Jaebum’s notes aren’t as much fun to read, most of them just random stuff like enumerating on different papers everything he loves about the younger.

 

It’s a little past 1 AM when their energies worn out and Jinyoung sternly insisted that he be put to sleep, but when everyone stepped out of the room leaving him and the younger alone, he pulls out from under his bed the box where they put the confetti aka notes of stupid ramblings, caressing the edges like his first born.

 

“That won’t disappear, you know,” Jaebum says as he pulls up the blanket, unfolding another one to wrap Jinyoung’s back with. “You can read that later in the morning.”

 

“What if I die while I’m sleeping?”

 

“Then you better wake up, or Jackson will hate you all his life for not reading all his precious notes.” Jinyoung laughs, but he complies nevertheless and sets aside the box.

 

That night, Jaebum dreams of Jinyoung smiling brightly at him, until the light gets overwhelmingly blinding and Jinyoung disappears, leaving in Jaebum’s memory a blurry image of him happy and no longer in pain.

 

\--

 

_My dearest one, my love, I’m leaving._

_This isn’t a good bye, my love, keep smiling._

 

If Jaebum doesn’t like celebrating his own birthday before, he’s especially touchy about it now. He’s nowhere near feeling festive, not when Jinyoung asked to be admitted to the hospital the night before Jaebum’s birthday in his own will. It gets even scarier as Jinyoung requests with weak voice that his family stays with him.

 

Jaebum spends the rest of the night staring blankly at his mom’s office wall, the elder woman watching him warily as if he’s the one on the verge of dying. Jaebum isn’t on the verge of dying—he’s on the verge of breaking.

 

_I love you for no reason,_

_I love you so I’ll keep holding on._

_Never forget the memories we shared,_

_Always remember that I’ve always cared._

Roughly an hour before his birthday, Jaebum finds himself driving to Jinyoung’s house and barges in like it’s his own home, getting the pale blue guitar that Youngjae gave Jinyoung for Christmas. With the help of his mom and a courage granted to him by his thumping heart, Jaebum sneaks inside Jinyoung’s room in the middle of the night. Jinyoung is surprisingly awake, his sister downstairs to grab something to eat. Jaebum checks the digital clock. 12:24 AM.

 

“Hi,” he greets, stalling as he calms his wild heart.

 

“Hey,” Jinyoung smiles, eyes curling like the crescent moon. “I guess birthday boys get to be naughty on their days, huh?”

 

“Shut up,” Jaebum grits, his grip on the strap of the guitar tightening.

 

“Is that _my_ guitar?” Jaebum opens and closes his mouth like a fish catching pellets of food in an attempt to spit out any reply, but nothing comes out of his lips. Jinyoung fakes irritation, though his grin gives him away as he says, “You better have a justification to this act, Im Jaebum-ssi.”

 

“In my defense, your father let me in.”

 

“Stop it. I don’t need excuses,” he sasses, eyeing the guitar hard and Jaebum harder.

 

Jaebum swallows down the huge lump in his throat that hinders him from doing anything sane, and with his heart in his hands, he starts humming and strumming at the strings of Jinyoung’s guitar.

 

_The feeling autumn left_

_The chilly wind that hints winter is coming soon_

_I can still feel your warmth_

_So I know fall and winter would be painful_

Jinyoung’s mouth falls open, his hands trembling as he covers his lips. As Jaebum continues singing the next lines of Jinyoung’s poem that he turned into a song, he knows Jinyoung realizes what he did as he looks at Jaebum with raw and unadulterated love, hanging onto the next lines that he’ll sing.

 

_The one I loved without a reason is disappearing_

_Remembering our memories_

_I’ll cherish them_

_My time with you_

_I realized was a treasure_

_My love, you’re leaving me now_

_You’re leaving me now_

Jaebum barely changed the words of Farewell, mostly altering the words so it’ll be about Jinyoung instead. It’s rough, and probably is uncreative, but Jaebum titles the song This Star. As he plays the instrument, Jaebum watches Jinyoung’s face contort with inexplicable emotions, his eyes the most apologetic he had ever seen.

 

_The river reflects off so many stars_

_Among one of them is a pretty little star_

_This star can get a little closer_

_But once it drifts, it’s gone forever_

Jaebum feels like Jinyoung is his own pretty little star. Jinyoung is not Jaebum’s wish coming to life; he’s the shooting star himself—Jaebum’s own shooting star on earth. He makes Jaebum wish for a better life, for a better tomorrow, for a better him. However, too stunned by his rarity and beauty, Jaebum can’t help but forget to wish in favor of staring at him in admiration.

 

_Don’t go, I won’t let you go_

_The playground we used to play at_

_Now makes it even harder to forget you_

_I don’t have the courage like the young me who was a warrior_

_Instead of supporting you, I now write lyrics_

The song is about to end, but Jinyoung’s tears seem to fall endlessly. Jaebum wants nothing but to hug Jinyoung right that moment, but he finishes the song he spent a lot of sleepless nights giving tune, playing the melodies with frustrating perfection so it wouldn’t sound less pleasing.

 

As soon as he hits the last note, sings the final line, he carefully puts down the guitar, wrapping Jinyoung in a warm embrace, his unspoken love hopefully reaching the younger. The lyrics still play in Jaebum’s mind, a sad song from an even sadder poem. He doesn’t like to say good bye yet, but he doesn’t want Jinyoung to leave with the sad thought of him refusing to accept his departure.

 

“It’s amazing,” Jinyoung says in a muffled voice, his grip on Jaebum’s sweater tight. “Thank you, for giving me a gift when it’s your birthday.”

 

“Everything for the most amazing person in my life.”

 

“You know what’s the best thing about finding you? It’s that despite you knowing I’m like this—“ Jinyoung flails his hands up and down and motions for his entirety, “I’m flawed, and petty, and imperfect, _and dying_ , you still think I’m completely amazing.”

 

“Because you are, and I love you for that. For being flawed, and petty, and imperfect, I love you.”

 

“Usually I’d tell you that I love you too, or even more, but there’s one thing I realized staying inside the four walls of this hospital room with just the thought of your smile keeping me alive: no words can fully describe all the feelings I have for you,” Jinyoung says as he kisses his face, Jaebum’s eyes following the movements of the younger’s lips. “I can tell you repeatedly that I love you, but even those three words don’t cover it.”

 

If there’s one thing Jaebum realizes at that exact moment, it’s that he won’t be able to love another person as much as he loves Jinyoung.

 

\--

 

It happens ten days after Jaebum’s birthday.

 

It’s already a miracle in itself that Jinyoung’s heart is still functioning up to that day, and Jaebum isn’t actually the religious type, but whenever Jinyoung is asleep and his breathing is uneven, he mutters a soft prayer, asking for one more day. Throughout the previous days, Jinyoung’s heartbeats were slowing down and the doctors were coming in and out of his room for what feels like every minute, but even that did not stop him from video calling Jackson’s and Mark’s parents like he’s okay, like he’s his normal favorite-of-the-elders self and checking up on them like a good son with rainbows coming out of his lips. He also had the younger kids tell him about their day, Bambam and Yugyeom complying willingly while Youngjae tried hard not to simultaneously break down from the incoming doom and sneeze loudly, enduring Nora’s presence in the room.

 

The past days obviously took a toll on Jinyoung’s body, the younger looking painfully exhausted even in his sleep. If it were for Jaebum to decide, he wouldn’t wake Jinyoung up at all costs, but the doctors and nurses continuously keeps on coming in and out of the room, and Jinyoung looks more and more groggy after he’s done with the check-ups.

 

“When will they leave me alone?” Jinyoung asks when Dr. Kang exits with his parents, the doctor faking a disbelieving laugh at Jinyoung’s indiscreet comment. “I feel so tired.”

 

“Then go to sleep,” Jaebum says, tucking Jinyoung underneath the galaxy swirls blanket he bought for him a few days ago. He actually saw it from one of the kids on the ward, and being reminded of the younger whenever he sees stars and the galaxies, he bought one on the same day, Jinyoung almost jumping up in glee if he weren’t too exhausted from all the examinations he went through that day.

 

As Jaebum pulls the blanket up to Jinyoung’s nose, he realizes that the things that remind him of Jinyoung aren’t limited to the celestial bodies. Jaebum finds himself thinking mostly of Jinyoung and only Jinyoung that he can make everything to be about the younger—the actors he sees are reminders of him and his knack for acting; the chocolates he eats are memories of him and his adorable greed for sweets but shares them with Jaebum nevertheless; the things he wants to do are plans that he made with him; and the places he wants to go to are pictures of them together.

 

“I’d like to sleep and never wake up,” Jinyoung says, his broken voice snapping Jaebum to reality.

 

“Jinyoung—“

 

With quivering lips, Jinyoung interrupts Jaebum and pleas, “Can you sing me to sleep?”

 

Jaebum doesn’t want to think how Jinyoung did not even allow him to argue, to tell him that he isn’t dying. Instead he just sings, hearing Jinyoung softly singing along to a few lines.

 

“My love for you is eternal,” Jinyoung says slowly, weakly, as he reaches out for Jaebum’s face with pale, flaccid hands after he finished singing. He wipes the tears that Jaebum isn’t aware keep on falling on his face and creating unattractive tracks before Jinyoung continues, “even when my body isn’t.”

 

Jinyoung falls asleep shortly, his chest heaving in an uneven manner. Jaebum watches him sleep with a tired expression on his face, the winter breeze cooling down and freezing Jaebum’s heart even further. Dr. Kang comes in after half an hour, waking Jinyoung up to perform a routine check-up. But Jinyoung won’t speak except of Jaebum’s name, calling him as his doctor and family members surround him.

 

“I… have a… question,” Jinyoung huffs, the words taking too long before he could spit them out.

 

“What is it?” Jaebum asks, holding Jinyoung and kissing his temple, the younger’s skin unsurprisingly cold.

 

“Can I… wish… for anything… on a… star… from my… blanket?”

 

“Of course, baby. You can,” Jaebum replies, swallowing down the lump forming in his throat. He has to hold on, to be strong. He has to let Jinyoung know that he’ll be okay, that no matter what happens, Jaebum will be there. Jaebum has to keep fighting for both of them, especially now when Jinyoung’s getting weaker and weaker to do so. “Tell me. What do you want?”

 

“You,” Jinyoung quips simply, his mother gasping audibly. “If I had… one wish… you… would be it.”

 

“Jinyoungie.”

 

“In my next life, I’d want… to meet you… again. I… don’t care… how… or when… I just – I just… have to see you… again. This lifetime… I didn’t have… enough time… to tell you… how much I love you… but I – I promise… to tell you… all about it… when we… meet again.”

 

Jaebum smiles lovingly at Jinyoung, his hands warming up the younger’s free hand. “You gave me so much already, Jinyoungie. Everybody wanted to be with you, but you gave me so much of your borrowed time.”

 

Jinyoung smiles, beautifully and blindingly so. “And I… don’t regret any… second of my… short time… that I gave you. If the… heavens… will grant me yet… another lifetime, I’ll find you… and give you all… the time I have… over… and over again.” Jinyoung falls asleep shortly after talking to Jaebum, leaving his parents crying, and Dr. Kang in near tears. He falls asleep with a smile on his lips, a blissful look on his rather pallid demeanor.

 

Jinyoung falls asleep, and doesn’t wake up again. Not even after Dr. Kang shakes him a little violently. Not even when his mom starts wailing at an alarming loudness. Jinyoung doesn’t shift nor even flinch, not even when what felt like the loudest, most destructive sound on the walks of the planet that should wake him up reverberates inside the room: the infuriating sound of the monitor going flat.

 

Jaebum doesn’t even have the time to run and sob in Jinyoung’s chest so he can plead for him to _stay with me, baby, stay with me longer_ before Dr. Kang is checking Jinyoung’s pulse, and the rest of the doctors and nurses who start barging in with an AED shove anyone who’s on their way in haste.

 

Jaebum feels like a lifeless soul watching the commotion inside, Jinyoung’s room suddenly feeling suffocating with all the screams of instruction and ramblings. Jaebum can hear the loud noises, but deep down, he’s keenly waiting for Jinyoung to puff out even the smallest of exhales, sassing the hell out of his doctors as he tells them he’s okay, that he’s awake.

 

The monitor connected to Jinyoung’s heart is still resonating a maddening beep, and Jaebum wants to destroy it, wants to throw it away and to scream at the world for taking Jinyoung away from them. Away from him. Jaebum wants to punch anyone, preferably one of the doctors who failed on keeping his Jinyoungie alive, but the younger’s calming voice whispers sweet consolations in his ear. Feeling the overwhelming presence wrapping him in an unexpected tranquility, Jaebum chances a look at Jinyoung, and as he looks at him looking so ethereal even with the fiasco surrounding him, Jaebum smiles. No one gets in his way when he walks towards Jinyoung, not even Dr. Kang’s voice announcing Jinyoung’s death at 5:24 PM.

 

Jaebum holds Jinyoung’s hands gently, his thumbs caressing tender spirals on them. He kisses each knuckle, drowning down the loud cries of Jinyoung’s family. Like them, Jaebum feels everything inside of him shatter until they’re fine powders of useless body parts, but he knows him crying is the last thing Jinyoung wants to see. He can’t comfort Jinyoung’s parents at the moment, so the least he can do for the person he loved most is to be strong, to hold himself together. Jaebum tries with utmost difficulty not to cry as he leans down to plant a soft kiss on Jinyoung’s lips, murmuring softly in his ears.

 

“I loved you once, and I love you still. I always have, and I always will.”

 

Like all stars, even the most beautiful ones die.

 

\--

 

 _It’s early spring and the breeze that blows up Jaebum’s hair messily through his open car window is chilly and very much welcomed, and it’s just the right weather to ignore unwanted messages or e-mails, refuse any offers of photography gig may it be paid or not, and stay lazily in his apartment and sprawl himself haphazardly on the couch as he watches a re-run of Harry Potter on TV. But due to an unnamable superficial force that his best friend called_ friendship _, Jaebum is on the road, struggling to find himself a good parking space on a university three hours from his own._

_As Jaebum gets out of his car with Nora on his shoulders, he sends a quick_ I’m here _message to Myungsoo before picking up his stuff, locking the car door after. Three strides away from his car later, Jaebum’s phone rings._

_“Thanks a lot, Jaebum,” Myungsoo says on the other end. Jaebum grumbles in response, before he continues walking._

_It’s not the first time Jaebum bails Myungsoo out of anything, his friend saying yes to more gigs than he could handle more often than not. But it’s definitely the first time that Myungsoo asked Jaebum to cover up for him with just a few hours’ notice; Myungsoo knows how Jaebum hates being rushed and unprepared._

_As Jaebum sashays towards the auditorium where the event would be held, he looks up at the blossom trees scattered in the area, and he immediately misses that lone oak tree just outside his apartment balcony, and he grits his teeth as he remembers how a phone call robbed him of his off day._

_No, Jaebum isn’t mad at Myungsoo. It’s just a phase of the day, and Jaebum has his moments. He’s annoyed, Jaebum concludes, because he looked forward to spending the day in solitude. Myungsoo consoles him by saying that the student organization that hired him is willing to pay more than what they usually get from gigs._

_It’s a White Day free hugs event, Jaebum gets that much. An organization from the Performing Arts department is hosting the event, and Myungsoo says it was grand. Jaebum couldn’t agree yet, but when Myungsoo told him who would be present to give free hugs exclusively for the girls in the university, Jaebum just knew it would be no less than a simple event._

_“Look for Nayeon,” Myungsoo instructs when Jaebum tells him he reached the back door of the auditorium. “She probably has a name tag, but she’s a petite girl with long, black hair who looks like a pretty squirrel.”_

_“When she asks me how I found her, I’d tell her you asked me to look for a squirrel.”_

_Myungsoo laughs on the other side, and Jaebum notices how relieved he sounds. “Asshole.”_

_“Tell that to yourself, bastard.”_

_“But seriously, thanks, Jaebum. I owe you.”_

_“You definitely do.” Jaebum heaves an audible sigh. “I can’t believe you ditched a paid gig to be a fucking nurse.”_

_“One day, you’d ditch me for the love of your life too, Im Jaebum.”_

_Jaebum chuckles loudly, garnering the attention of a few passersby. “You mean, for Nora?” Jaebum doesn’t see him, but he knows Myungsoo has this_ soon you’re going to eat all these bullshits _expression he always gives Jaebum as he shakes his head, obviously not believing a word he is saying._

_“Just go, asshole,” Myungsoo says instead, dismissively, dropping the call after hearing a reverberating laugh from Jaebum and a reminder of “Don’t forget that you’re treating me to dinner later finally after a decade of our friendship.”_

_Jaebum arrives at the venue not long after, and as he opens the door, a petite girl just above his shoulders taps him, getting his attention effectively. She’s beautiful with her black hair untied and on her shoulders, and she’s smiling up at him. Jaebum notices her puffed cheeks, and he immediately but subtly looks at her mouth area, and he almost laughs loudly when he sees how she cutely resembles a squirrel._

_“Nayeon-ssi?” Jaebum squawks, at awe at how Nayeon looks so pretty, but all the while holding back his laughter._

_“Jaebum-ssi, right?” Jaebum nods. “You’re the friend that Myungsoo sent?” Jaebum nods again, cautiously keeping his mouth shut and preventing his laughter from slipping out. “And he unabashedly told you I look like a squirrel, didn’t he?” At this, Jaebum totally lost it and he laughs wholeheartedly. He catches Nayeon mutter something under her breath that sounds so much like asshole, before she opens the door and leads the way._

_From the outside, Jaebum wouldn’t have guessed that the auditorium is that big. He sneaks a peek from the side of the stage where the curtains keep him hidden, and his jaw almost falls as he sees an ocean of girls, and Jaebum already feels suffocated even before he gets down to document the event._

_Before the male idol group arrives, Nayeon – who turns out to be the president of the host organization – starts bestowing them the tasks. Even while Jaebum’s looking for Nora who is probably lurking around, he catches Nayeon telling him to work with her and take photos of the idols as they actually give out the free hugs during the event. He nods at her, before he picks up his bag and lets Nora stroll around. She always finds her way back in his car anyways, so Jaebum allows her to have a little trip._

_By 3 PM, the event has already started and the auditorium felt like a huge aquarium with squalling whales and dolphins, and Jaebum just bites back his laughter as he takes photos after photos. Everyone seems to be having fun the entire time, even the male idols who are now drenched in sweat are also laughing unguardedly with their fans. For three hours, it goes on like that, and Jaebum feels an unadulterated bliss even with the suffocating crowd, his heart warming at the thought of capturing the raw emotions of shock and awe and delight on the crowd’s faces._

_By 6 PM, Nayeon’s voice echoes in the auditorium, regretfully concluding the event, but her voice is pleasantly felicitous, promising for a next time for everyone. The male group takes on the stage, offering a final ballad song for everyone, before saying their gratitude. It ends at that, and the auditorium door opens, the area slowly emptying._

_When Jaebum reaches the backstage, he sees most of the organization members crowded around the idol group. Someone calls him in for a group picture, but he just shakes his head and tells them to just enjoy the solo time with the boys, before he politely bows and excuses himself._

_The sky is purplish when Jaebum gets out of the back door, and he watches with a small lopsided smile as the spring breeze sways the trees gracefully, the bunch of pinks and purples accentuated beautifully by the slowly setting sun. With eyes still on the purpling sky, Jaebum feels the strap of his camera before he slowly lifts it up his eyes, taking in the serenity of the skies, the cotton clouds currently non-existent, the vast infinity naked right in front of him. Jaebum spends a few minutes taking in his surrounding, before he starts walking around, taking pictures of random people and buildings._

_Jaebum’s university is leaning towards the modern style, with glass, taller buildings and less blooming trees, whereas the university where he’s in now is more on the older type, with buildings Jaebum thinks is older than his own grandparents, and green fields almost the size of the football field in Jaebum’s university. It’s breathtakingly beautiful, how in the middle of Seoul lies a breath of fresh air, and Jaebum revels in the beauty right before his eyes._

_It’s half past six already, and Jaebum decides to pick up his stuff from the auditorium and go home when he feels a warm flesh jump her way up his shoulders._

_“Ah, I knew you’d find me,” Jaebum murmurs, petting Nora’s head as she licks the underside of his jaw. And then she’s jumping down again, taking her time as she walks in the general direction of Jaebum’s left. Frowning, Jaebum follows Nora._

_As Jaebum turns round the corner, he literally catches his breath as he sees Nora perched on someone else’s lap. Nora is picky on who to act friendly around with, and it almost took Myungsoo a whole year to befriend Nora, so he is utterly shocked that she is sitting comfortably on someone else’s thighs._

_And then the man looks up, and Jaebum’s mouth falls open unattractively as he sees the quintessential beauty right before him. The man is clad in a white turtleneck and black pants, his eyes looking like crescents as he smiles warmly at him. Jaebum’s eyes dart on the sketchbook on his hands, and he sees a sketch of a cat which looks like Nora, but in hues of pale pink and purple. The shades of the sketch look so much like the dusk sky, and Jaebum smiles back at him._

_“Is she yours?” the man asks, and Jaebum, thankfully, is on his mind enough to nod. “She’d been a great company, I enjoyed my time with her,” the man adds as he closes his sketchbook and lays it on the ground, cradling Nora in his arms as he stands up._

_From up close, Jaebum realizes how beautiful the man is, the setting sun highlighting the sharp edges on his face that looks ironic on his soft demeanor. At this distance, Jaebum notes how cute the man’s nose is, especially when it scrunches up as Nora moves to lick at his chin. His nose is sharp and cute at the same time, and Jaebum has to stop himself from pinching it, like how he holds himself back from squishing the man’s cheeks when he smiles up at him as Nora jumps from his hold to Jaebum’s shoulder._

_Jaebum wants to ask the man of his name, or if he wants to have some latte at the café just around their university, but he’s frozen on his spot, his eyes just staring back at the angelic face, specifically at those captivating eyes that seem to read the inner secrets Jaebum has inside._

Fuck _, Jaebum realizes as his eyes linger on the other man’s features longer,_ Myungsoo will laugh at me when he finds out how awestruck I acted around someone.

_To keep himself from further humiliation, Jaebum coughs and timidly bids good bye. The man smiles brightly, before he nods and says he’ll go as well._

_Though, two steps later, Jaebum feels a pair of warm hands on his back. He turns his head around, and he realizes that the other man is removing something from the back of his shirt. When he’s done, Jaebum turns around fully, frowning._

_The look of confusion that Jaebum was sporting a few seconds ago turns to surprise, his eyes widening comically and 100% unattractively as he sees a familiar pink sticker paper on the other’s hands._

_In a screaming fuschia shade,_ Free Hugs _is written on it in a cute cursive font. Jaebum wants to scream._

_“So, do I get a hug or what?”_

_Jaebum bites on his tongue harshly to keep the word_ adorable _from swimming out of his mouth, but his grumble escapes his lips audibly._ No _, Jaebum wants to say,_ I don’t want to hug you because I might end up kidnapping you and keeping you for myself.

_“Well, I’m – I’m not really…,” Jaebum starts, eyes wandering across the other guy’s face, “I mean – I don’t really know how—“_

_“Ah, it’s okay,” the other man interrupts, folding the paper neatly in his hands. Jaebum notices how slender his fingers look and wonders how it would feel to fill the gaps on them with his._

_It isn’t exactly the first time that day someone asked Jaebum for a free hug. Maybe it was because someone purposively stuck the same sticker that the idol group who gave out free hugs had on his back, or maybe those random girls just felt the need to (since Jaebum is one of the few guys in the auditorium earlier including the male idol group), but it wasn’t the first time Jaebum hears the question._

_But, okay, hypocrisy aside, this might be the first time Jaebum would say yes._

_“Ah, fuck,” Jaebum mutters under his breath, but the flinch on the guy’s face tells Jaebum he was heard. So with a smile that Jaebum hope doesn’t look like a constipated one, he opens his arms all the same. “Come here,” he murmurs softly, arms reaching out to the other._

_If Jaebum’s heart flinched when the guy started closing the distance between them with a blinding smile, no one needs to know. Not even Myungsoo._ Especially Myungsoo.

_Though before Jaebum could close his arms and trap the guy in a friendly embrace, they both jump at the sound of a high-pitched scream of_ Park Jinyoung! _Jaebum’s eyes dart immediately at the other. Jaebum hears an unapologetic whisper of_ oops _, before he is given no time to react when the man – Jinyoung – starts running on the direction away from where they heard the scream._

_A few seconds after Jinyoung ran away, a smaller but bulkier man appears, panting and sweating and looking around for signs of Jinyoung, probably, and eyeing Jaebum with threatening eyes. He runs away seconds later, though, missing the sketchbook laid on the floor with a box of used crayons on the side. When the blonde was out of sight, Jaebum walks towards the sketchbook._

_He doesn’t open it, though; he just picks it up along with the crayons which Jaebum notes were carefully arranged on the box, and decides to just give it to Nayeon, the girl probably knowing how to bring them back to Jinyoung._

_A minute or two later, Jaebum realizes he no longer needs to bring the stuff along as he sees Jinyoung running back to him. It’s no surprise; Jinyoung probably went back to fetch his stuff. What surprises Jaebum though is the gentle hold that Jinyoung has on his hands._

_Jinyoung’s hand is soft and warm, and Jaebum is afraid he doesn’t want to let go._

_“I came back—“_

_“Here,” Jaebum cuts, slipping the satchel on Jinyoung’s shoulders._

_“—to ask for your name,” Jinyoung finishes with a blush, and Jaebum is deemed speechless._

_The two of them stay frozen like that, with Nora pawing at Jinyoung’s beanie. Jinyoung’s hands are on Jaebum’s, but it feels like they’re gripping on Jaebum’s mind instead, dismantling his wires and causing a short-circuit on his head, because Jaebum can’t think straight._

_“Jaebum. I’m Jaebum,” Jaebum answers later with a soft smile covering the chaos in his head, and Jinyoung’s eyebrows meet just above his nose._

_“Jae…bong?” Jinyoung repeats, and Jaebum actually laughs out loud. Jinyoung pouts adorably, and Jaebum thinks it should be illegal for Jinyoung to be this cute._

_“Jae,” Jaebum starts, carefully removing the messed up beanie from Jinyoung’s head, before he ruffles Jinyoung’s black hair that’s hidden underneath, and then he adds with an emphasis on the last letter, “bum.”_

_“Jaebum,” Jinyoung repeats, and Jaebum smiles at him._

_Jaebum fixes the beanie back on Jinyoung’s head, and with a final tug on his long fringe, Jaebum mutters as softly as he could so as to not let Jinyoung hear it, “Ah, so cute.”_

_Though with the way the sides of Jinyoung’s eyes fold in a breathtaking smile that radiates a beam brighter than the rising moon above, Jaebum knows he heard. The soft flush that Jaebum sees on Jinyoung cheeks before he runs away again is surely not from too much running._

_Soon enough, Jaebum’s cheeks reflect the redness of Jinyoung’s own as the younger says yes when he invited him for a coffee._

A faint smile ghosts at Jaebum’s lips when he wakes up, the events of the afternoon on 14th March still vivid in his dreams. He lies on his side out of habit, only to find the left side of the bed empty. When Jaebum walked out of Jinyoung’s hospital room, he found himself driving on the familiar direction to Jinyoung’s house. He’s probably a masochist for bringing himself inside Jinyoung’s room, but Jaebum wanted the younger to surround him with his presence, so with a hurting heart, he laid down in Jinyoung’s bed, allowed himself to cry without holding back for the first time in weeks.

 

Jaebum will always remember how Jinyoung sat on the window seat of his room, Nora perched in his stomach as he read a novel. He will always remember the way Jinyoung’s eyes turned into beautiful crescents whenever he smiles, his hands flying up to cover the lights seeping inside his room. He will always remember the times Jinyoung spent attempting to make an edible meal, his pout looking so adorably cute even when he’s so messy. Jaebum will always remember waking up to Jinyoung staring at him, wondering out loud how he lived his past life for the universe to grant him a gift as extraordinary as Jaebum. Jaebum will always remember the moments of candor, of simple mornings, of just simply living with Jinyoung and their little bubble.

 

Jaebum will never forget about Jinyoung’s thoughtfulness, about how being a mother hen annoyed the younger boys as much as they found him endearing. Jaebum will never forget how Jinyoung cared for all their friends, how he stayed with Jackson through everything, giving him the confidence he bestowed upon others but didn’t have in himself. Jaebum will never forget Jinyoung’s small gestures of assurance to Mark when he feels alone, never forget how the two communicated in silence and understood even the vaguest, unsaid words. Jaebum will never forget how Jinyoung acted like Youngjae’s mom and best friend and teacher and mentor, how Jinyoung babied Bambam and spoilt him like no other, and how Jinyoung spent most of his time with Yugyeom dissing the hell out of the younger boy but loving him more than anyone thought he ever did.

 

Jinyoung will always be remembered, and Jinyoung will always be loved, just like how he’d definitely love all of them wherever he’ll go, protecting them always like the mom that he is.

 

\--

 

_“I, Park Jinyoung, promise to stay alive for as long as I can so I could learn how to cook for Im Jaebum, the man who looks astoundingly gorgeous and the very same man I’m hoping would say I do before this ceremony ends. I promise not to wake you up when unneeded, especially when the reason is just to open the TV because the remote’s too far for my lazy ass to reach. I promise to stay silent whenever you’re reading, and to keep my hands to myself whenever you’re working. I promise never to distract you, but I allow you to distract me at any time you wish. I will support you in all your endeavors and share your dreams and give you everything—except for the last piece of kimbap. I will love you forever and trust you with all my heart, and wherever I go, I promise to bring with me a piece of you, and leave you every piece of me.”_

 

Jaebum has Jinyoung’s wedding vow encrypted in his mind, has memorized the exact words more than he do his own. Even when he’s asleep or just plain daydreaming, Jaebum can see the littlest cringes and prettiest smiles that took up Jinyoung’s face during that day.

 

The chapel had been filled with lilies of different kinds and colors, but like the bunch of stargazers that Bambam had Jinyoung hold as he walked towards the altar, Jinyoung stood out beautifully, his smile brighter than the sun and his eyes sparkling with mirth.

 

After the wedding, whenever Jinyoung’s attacks and chest pains would subside, he would recite his wedding vow in a soft mumble, his hoarse voice from too much screaming probably hurting his throat even worse, but he continued until he finished, eyes finding Jaebum wherever he might be.

 

And Jaebum falls in love with him every time.

 

As he goes through Jinyoung’s paper plane notebook, he reads notes after notes. For Jackson not to stop being an enthusiastic puppy. For Mark to take care of Jackson because he couldn’t. For Youngjae to continue being a ray of sunshine for everyone. For Bambam to keep himself from spitting too much sexual innuendos. For Yugyeom to work hard and follow his dreams because he knows the younger boy will succeed. Jinyoung even had notes for Solar and all the people he met in the café, for everyone’s parents, and for the friends he met all throughout his short time. There’s even a note for Nora, an adorable sketch of a cat that looks so much like Jinyoung meowing in different notes.

 

And then there are the pages with Jinyoung’s vow written on them.

 

They’re on different, random pages, like Jinyoung wrote them whenever he just felt like doing so. Some handwriting were clear and legible, some others a messy scribble, but all were complete from start to finish. Jaebum feels uncharacteristically emotional, reading the notebook while sitting in the middle of Jinyoung’s room. His eyes feel too exhausted to well up fresh tears, but he keeps on heaving a deep sigh, inhaling Jinyoung in every corner of his room.

 

Jaebum turns another page on the notebook.

 

_You are the wind and I’m the paper plane—you keep me moving. I know you’ll do great with Paper Planes, my love. Please know that I’ll be with you all the way, and make sure to save me a seat beside you on the first showing date. I love you. Always._

Jinyoung always said that he’d never leave their side, said that he might be physically absent, but he’d always be with them in heart and spirit. And with that in mind, Jaebum scribbles a reply on the last note on Jinyoung’s notebook, completely having faith that somehow, his message will reach Jinyoung.

 

_Like a star in the dark night, you gave my life a direction. This isn’t good bye, because I know I’ll see you soon. I love you, baby. Always._

 

As he puts the pen down, Jaebum’s eyes catch at his left hand, and he stares at his ring finger and the metal band that adorns the appendage, a plain silver ring with Jinyoung’s name engraved inside. And then he caresses the chain link on his neck, his fingers stopping at the ring that served as the pendant of the necklace with his name engraved on it. Jaebum wanted to give Jinyoung’s ring to the younger’s parents as a memento, but Mrs. Park refused profusely, smiling lovingly at him as she said, “It’s definitely the property Jinyoung wanted you to treasure the most.” Jaebum lifts the ring to his lips, murmurs an _I love you_ , and kisses the band like the way Jinyoung used to do with the ring on Jaebum’s finger.

 

Sometimes, happy ending doesn’t mean having Jaebum and Jinyoung together forever. Sometimes, it means Jaebum and Jinyoung loving each other despite everything, knowing that they will love each other until the end of forever, or until death reunites them together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ****Farewell is basically just the ugly, altered-to-sound-like-a-poem version that I did of the English translation of the lyrics of This Star. (I’m sorry, Jinyoung.)
> 
> It’s done. Oh my god. OH MY GOD IT’S DONE!!!!!! /cue in ugly crying face
> 
> I was crying as I was typing the latter half of this fic (with This Star and Jinyoung singing See You Again in the background), with half my thoughts filled with the people who were waiting for the final update and of the friends who kept on reminding me that this fic still exists LMAO. But mostly, I was crying because I was scared. Scared of not giving enough, scared of being inconsistent with the ~feels~, scared of disappointing all the lovely people who opened this fic in hopes of reading something… err, well, worth reading. I’d like to apologize for my long absence as well, like I obviously avoided this fic for months, and that wasn’t even an exaggeration. Seriously. I didn’t even have the courage to open the doc file on my laptop, LMAO. To be honest, I don’t like reading on-going fics, which is actually ironic to say right now given how long it took me to upload this one last chapter, and I don’t like writing on-going fics as well (I feel such a hypocrite…… RIP) because I feel like the next chapters will lack something (and maybe the reason why this fic will probably be my first and last attempt at writing chaptered fics). And besides, I don’t like the feeling of having people wait for what I’m about to post next, and then disappoint them one way or another. That said, I’d like to say sorry to everyone for the months you felt like this fic was dead, especially to the people who commented when I posted the first three chapters for replying soooooooooo late. But here’s the thing: I did not /not/ read your comments—trust me, I did, TONS of times. And I can’t be thankful enough for the precious comments you left from months ago. <33333333
> 
> I don’t know any other way to express my endless love and gratitude for every single one of YOU who reached this far (the long fic, the longer end note). <333333 Thank you for giving me a part of your time and reading this fic which went through a lot of things (PLEASE don’t ask me why I changed the title of this fic). Thank you for all you’ve done for me and this fic. :) You all are amazing people!!!!!!!
> 
> Special thanks to Tina for laughing at me when I’m crying about my fics (AND CRYING WITH ME WHEN I TOLD HER AO3 CRASHED AS I WAS TRYING TO POST LAST NIGHT), to Jeni who had been so consistent in reminding me about this fic (bb I hope you don’t find the new title mouthful ;>), and to my favorite cheerleader and the loveliest person I know, Tasha. <3
> 
> Again, thank you for reading and tolerating a low quality JJP from me!!! <3


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